As Kathy wrote in the recent blog for Coupleworks and in thinking about what brings people and couples into therapy, it is often when they are facing a major transition in their lives. Of course, these transitions happen in a multitude of ways. It may be through the loss of a partner, whether through divorce or death. Or often they are triggered by changes in family’s structure whether through the arrival of children or their departure (the empty nest syndrome), or their return when they cannot find anywhere to live after being away at University or College.
From my own experience of working with clients one that is becoming a much more common subject for transitional reflection is the arrival of a grandchild and the expectations that flow from that. Greater provision of Maternity and Paternity leave has made a great difference to couples who are learning what it means to be parents as well. But, after that, if the grandparents live within reasonably easy reach, comes the question, ‘What support are they going to offer either on an occasional or better still on a regular basis?’. Will they be the kind of grandparents who are willing to become the primary carers for their new grandchild on one, two or three days a week, so saving huge sums for childcare and allowing the parents the opportunity they need to progress in their chosen career.
In working with the older couples in this scenario, it’s very common for a certain amount of moral pressure to build up at that point. After all they have spent a large part of their adult lives seeking to do the very best for their child and why should that stop now? And shouldn’t every grandparent want to spend time with their grandchild in these early years of their development?
Unpacking those ‘shoulds’ is often the task of therapy, and as Kathy said in her recent blog, the process of unpacking them will lead to a greater understanding of where those ‘scripts’ came from as they reflect on their own experience of being a parent and the sort of parenting they themselves experienced in the past.
Key to what flows from those will be the expectations that are generated by them and here I often find it helps if people articulate what these are – or what they think them to be in others – as a way to address the issues that have brought them to that point in their therapy.
It is helpful if people can articulate their expectations….
Before speculating about the expectations of others it’s important to begin with your own.
- What am I expecting as a grandparent?
- How much time do I want to spend doing this, particularly if a regular commitment may be being asked for?
- What might this mean for my partner? Sometimes in blended families there might not be the same wish or motivation to be more full-time grandparents
- How will this affect what we had planned for in retirement or lessening of work responsibilities?
- Are they looking for a greater commitment than I am happy to give?
- How much are we prepared to forego in terms of flexibility over such things as holidays?
- What are the parents themselves wanting?
- Is what they want realistic for them and for us?
- What is at stake for them if they cannot get regular reliable low-cost childcare?
In every situation there will be dozens of questions – and that’s before you begin to address those raised by different styles of parenting. But central to all of them, as people face the transition to becoming parents and grandparents is the need for good communication and honesty – with ourselves, our partners, and our children and their partners.
Sarah Fletcher