‘Therapy is sought, not primarily for enlightenment about the unchangeable past, but because of dissatisfaction with the present and a desire to better the future…
A change in the current situation is required and, once established, however small, it necessitates other minor changes…
A snowballing effect of these minor changes leads to other more significant changes in accord with [the client’s] potential’
[Milton H Erikson (psychologist) 1973]
‘Change’ Taylor Swift
So often the individuals and couples that approach Coupleworks are feeling stuck and frustrated. Skilled, highly competent, and creative in the rest of their lives, they feel blocked in solving a particular relationship problem and at their wits end in finding a mutually satisfying solution. They are in conflict, unable to negotiate, and criticise and blame each other for being unreasonable and obdurate.
The disagreement is felt as a rejection, unloving and hurtful, and they miss their usual sense of relationship give and take.
‘Communication difficulties’ are frequently sited as preventing shared understanding and agreement
They do not feel heard and feel acceptance is almost wilfully withheld. They stop listening back – and, instead, argue more insistently.
Both take up the stance of ‘Yes, but…’ and ‘Talk to the hand’.
Each is entrenched, convinced they are right, and the opportunity for a productive interactive discussion has disappeared. Each sits in lonely and upset isolation. Yet, despite it feeling incredibly painful, there can be the barrier of ‘Why should I?’ and ‘Why don’t you?’
They are stuck in a stalemate and believe much would be solved by the other behaving in ways that are more amenable, loving, and ‘normal’ and by altering unreasonable, hurtful, unpleasant behaviours.
‘If only…’
Understanding the benefits of change
Here, I am not talking about dealing with major destructive relationship attacks and ruptures like betrayal or abuse, but what is required for a couple to sustain a strong harmonious connection alongside a healthy level of differentiation and difference.
All change involves an element of discomfort and loss but, alongside, is the understanding that it also encourages growth, development and enrichment.
However, the fact that change is not easy means there needs to be a shared appreciation of the benefits; a mutual recognition of the effort involved; a joint commitment to a loving partnership that is worth the sacrifices and concessions that one would not have to make otherwise.
Signing up for change
The reassurance that comes from hearing that one is loved, that the other has a deep appreciation of the relationship, that it is valued and meaningful and worth fighting for, can create an impetus for change.
Change itself can feel risky and create feelings of vulnerability and so requires balance and reciprocity and confirmation that they can safely lean in on one another. Acknowledgements of gratitude and respect for the efforts made on both sides need to be frequent. The couple are committing to maintain a complex life together and it takes consideration and thought, but an agreement that life is better as a couple, that the ‘whole is greater than the sum of the parts’, makes it worthwhile.
How they got into trouble
A partner will rile at a lack of consideration; at being taken for granted; at important values dismissed or ridiculed; at contempt shown for longings and dreams; at a need to be ‘one up’ at the expense of the other.
We all long to feel safe, relaxed and special, thought about and prioritised, and loved. However, we become on edge, anxious and wary when the signals are worrying.
Uncovering the associations
Why do we fear certain interactions? What are our red flags for an unhealthy dynamic? What meanings do we give to particular actions and behaviours? Are we underplaying or over-reacting to certain situations and events?
‘Often it is not the things themselves which trouble us’ – but it is ‘the meaning and opinions that we hold about them’ (Epictetus)
- It is not just irritating when I think you are spending too much money. I feel triggered when I remember how my childhood was so insecure.
- It is not just irritating when you criticise me. I feel triggered when I remember how I was constantly told I was not good enough.
- It is not just irritating when you flirt at parties. I feel triggered when I remember finding out about my ex-partner’s affairs.
- It is not just irritating that you are late home. I feel triggered as I remember how frightened and abandoned I was when left alone as a child.
Head in the sand
- It can be difficult to relate to a partner’s particular sensitivity that is not within one’s own experience. As a result, we can deny the importance of the issue and minimise its significance, and not recognise how altering our own reactions could have an impact.
- Or, we may not understand the impression an event has made in our own lives. World events, a new baby, illness, relocating, changing job, the loss of a parent or someone close, can be challenging and destabilising.
Denial is a defence mechanism against pain but repression has limited success. In the end all change needs to be reckoned with and processed. When we adopt the blinkered tunnel vision of avoidance and try to keep on powering through, the ramifications show up in our physical and mental health. ‘Burn out’ can happen relationally as well as personally.
Expectations and idealisations
We can inherit without question the ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ of a good relationship and unless these concepts are thought about and explored we can be on course for disenchantment and disappointment. We find we have signed up for a tacit relationship contract without making clear the many unwritten clauses and then become outraged at what we see as violations to the agreement.
The discrepancy between our expectations and longings and the actuality of our every day life can be hard to reconcile. It can become especially problematic in a relationship when we believe that ‘arriving’ (finding ‘the one’, getting the promotion, the magical wedding day, the first baby, the fulfilment of retirement…) is the ultimate solution rather than understanding life as an ongoing process of adapting to change. It takes agility to adapt to changing demands but often we freeze if the anticipated happiness is not as we imagined.
And, although there is no ‘right’ way to deal with life’s complexities, we can get unsettled and disturbed when we come up against what we see as opposition.
We can dig in our heels – ‘it’s my way or the highway’ – and it can feel a step too far, a loss of face, to engage in the give-and-take negotiations of managing competing needs and desires.
It’s that tunnel vision at play again – a persistence in trying to achieve what has now become untenable.
Clarification
The beginning of therapy often entails exposing the underlying issues provoking the discord. What the clients understand to be the problem may be the surface manifestation of something deeper.
Their aim may have started off somewhat vaguely: ‘be happier’, ‘worry less’, ‘not argue so much’, ‘feel closer’ but could they be more specific and identify a more tangible need?
Discussion of the solutions they have attempted so far and why they did not work, can be revealing. Unrealistic or unachievable or inappropriate goals can lead to a client becoming demotivated and despairing.
Can they de-centre and pull back to view the bigger picture and envisage trying something different and agree to start on one (perhaps even left-field) change?
To do this they might need to consciously and mindfully shift into a different state of mind?
DBT therapy offers a description of three ways of being:
- Using the emotional intuitive mind;
- Using the rational mind that analyses facts and reality;
- Using the ‘wise’ mind that amalgamates them both.
Transition
As confidence grows, a couple can begin to trust once more and feel safe leaning in on one another. As in a kaleidoscope, the pieces can move and create new patterns. The couple can adjust and adapt to a rearrangement of their unique relationship dynamic. There is liberation in stepping away from the burden of fixed, rigid and stuck behavioural patterns.
The season is changing.
‘Lean on Me’ Bill Withers
Kathy Rees