It was when scrolling through the blogs on the website of the American relationship therapist John Gottman (The Gottman Institute) that I was struck by a couple of articles focussing on ending a relationship and the statement:
“As sad as it is, sometimes it is the right decision for people to part ways and it is pointless to attempt to rescue a relationship which has run its course.”
Over my many years as a relationship counsellor I have often worked with clients where the focus is not about repair and reconnection as might be expected, but about managing, in the best way possible way, the ending of their relationship when the client has decided that now is the right time to leave, take a different path, and strike out alone.
It is Over
It can be an anxious, complicated, and painful time, and it is not always straightforward to disentangle from the entwined strands of a couple connection. Talking through with a therapist offers the space and time to explore what is happening and prepare for what comes next.
What Will be Lost
It is not easy just to walk away into the sunset without a backward glance and, if there are children, on a practical level alone, there are so many decisions to be made about living conditions, financial issues, childcare and custody, as well as the recalibration of joint friendships and family relationships.
Then, even with the acceptance that it is all for the best, separations can be emotionally disruptive and evoke powerful painful feelings of loss and grief.
The growing awareness of the loss that comes with the breakdown of a lovingly created family; perhaps the loss of a home; the loss of an individual’s own sense of self; the loss of the idea of a future that had been imagined and planned.
Things are about to change irrevocably and there may be fear, uncertainty and insecurity about what lies ahead.
Trying to Make Sense of it All
Sometimes part of the counselling is about making sense of what has happened, trying to understand the causes, putting things in order and, with the help of the therapist, limiting blame an accusation and reaching out with sensitivity and compassion instead.
Trying to Understand
Sometimes there has been a betrayal which has cracked apart a previously secure view of what is real and what is not. After what feels like the catastrophic breakdown of trust that follows the discovery of lies and obfuscation, the partner can demand the ‘Truth’.
Sometimes there is confusion as to why they no longer get along with one another and why the love, warmth, support, and affirmation has gone missing and the counselling can be about unpicking what led to this.
How did they lose their way after what seemed a promising beginning?
Had they ignored the red flags that indicated incompatibility?
Had they been careless about nurturing the relationship and taken it for granted?
Were there changes they could have made much earlier that would have bolstered and strengthened the relationship and defended it against attack?
Was there an assumption that it was the other person who was at fault and that it was the other person who should change?
What were the unresolved destructive conflicts?
The Couple Story
Accusation and recrimination can create an atmosphere that is the antithesis of love and, in the opinion of Laura Silverstein, a therapist at the Gottman Institute, how a couple views the story of their relationship determines whether they hold a positive or negative perspective.
When there is a strongly positive ‘Story Of Us’ (as she describes it) then the couple are buffered when conflict and discord arises. They are able to recover, refocus, and remember and re-engage with the partner’s positive qualities. They can open up to the love and how much they value and treasure the relationship.
On the other hand, a negative ‘Story Of Us’ primes the brain with a pessimistic negative bias. They will focus on the worst elements of the partner and the relationship. There is a failure to allow for any ameliorating circumstances or characteristics and, instead, a hardline rejection of compassion and forgiveness. Holding onto resentment sets the relationship on a downward spiral that is difficult to reverse.
The Arc of a Relationship
Gottman explains that all couples have a relationship narrative.
There is the story about how they met and got together.
The story about the first declaration of love and commitment.
The story about the first falling out.
The story about the description of themselves as a couple.
The story about the similarities and shared values and common interests.
The story about perceived differences and misunderstandings.
The story about the sexual attraction.
At the beginning of therapy, as a way of getting to know a couple and find out what they mean to each other, I often ask them to tell me their relationship story and it can very quickly emerge whether the narrative carries a positive or a negative perspective.
Even couples who start counselling in conflict, disappointed and infuriated with one other, can melt and smile fondly as they recall a positive ‘Story Of Us’ and the warmth and excitement of their early days.
They are able to remember what attracted them and the qualities of their partner’s personality and character that they love and admire.
Other couples struggle to engage in the memories and their recollections feel diminished, flat and detached. There is a diffidence in the narration, a distance, and a lack of energy that signals a negative ‘Story Of Us’.
When the ‘Story Of Us’ is positive I know the couple has the tools to overcome the most destructive impact of conflict. If they choose, they have the means to find their way back to each other once more – a pathway to the more joyous aspects of their life together.
However, as Silverstein says, a negative ‘Story Of Us’ distorts the image of the relationship and maintains its focus on the most troubling elements.
The feeling of ‘we-ness’ is weak and there is a lack of trust in the ‘team’.
There is a coolness, and a distance between partners that feels unbridgeable – a sense of emotional depletion rather than emotional fulfilment.
Instead of feeling boosted by the relationship, they feel belittled, surrounded by an atmosphere of contempt,
Increasingly feeling not understood and not ‘seen’, their needs seem dismissed and not taken into account.
Often the sexual spark has died.
Facing the End
There comes the recognition that the relationship has run its course and cannot continue.
A difficult conversation needs to happen and ending a relationship with someone you once loved, even if it is the right decision, is not easy and likely to be be painful and sad.
Timing
Having made the decision to walk away there can be a temptation to get it done as quickly as possible and avoid messy postmortems. But a sudden too-abrupt ending can be profound shock. The partner, unprepared, can be left blind-sided feeling as if the ground has opened up.
Ghosting can feel cruel as the partner is left with confusion and no way of getting answers. There may be the relief of a rapid escape but side-stepping a deeper discussion can leave the other person floundering and in limbo. How are they to absorb what has happened and make sense of this?
The Support of a Therapist
Therapy can help. The presence of a professional third party can mean a couple can talk to one another more safely.
A respectful break-up doesn’t mean it will be pain-free and, unfortunately, there are no perfect words for explaining a break-up, but the conversation can be kinder and more compassionate as well as open and honest.
Your partner deserves a clear explanation of your decision if they are to process what is happening.
The reluctance to give details may be well-intentioned in an attempt to avoid upset and avoid being cruel.
Another fear is that it may open up the possibility of a dreaded and protracted negotiation.
However, trying to avoid emotional fall-outs by minimising and being sparing with facts could end up leaving a confused mixed message and offer false hope.
There may be an urge to somehow soften the blow and fudge to make the information somehow more palatable.
But being ambiguous is not kindness and it can cause additional suffering and prolong grieving.
There is no way of glossing the reality and the fact that you want to leave is going to hurt.
The Explanation
It is not necessary to double down in order to confirm the entitlement to end the relationship. Cataloguing every one of the relationship faults or listing all the character flaws, as you see them, can be overwhelming, and leave the partner broken.
There is no need for over-explanation or over-justification.
Anyway, in that moment, it will be hard for the other to hear and take in more than the main point.
The intention may be to be categorical and emphasise things really are over, but to swamp with negative detail can be devastating.
Keep in mind the need to be thoughtful, avoiding the temptation of denigration and humiliation.
Instead of a list of shortcomings, focus on one’s own feelings, wishes, needs, reactions and desires. Offer an explanation, from one’s personal perspective, of how the future picture has changed.
It is natural to feel nervous and anxious about the impact of the decision.
Rejection is hard and there may be anticipation of a refusal to accept the ending.
There may be a fear of a pushback, a strong defensive reaction, even a counter-attack, to what will be perceived as criticism.
If not in counselling, choosing a stress-free and calm time to talk (definitely not the middle of an argument) will help. Protect your safety by choosing a safe environment – but perhaps not a public place which could be embarrassing.
You too may be distressed and uncomfortable and it may help to take a break if things get out of hand.
It is important to guard against lapsing into the temptation to blame and accuse, saying the things you do not mean and cannot take back.
You are responsible for treating the other person with respect, but you cannot be responsible for their reactions and you cannot take away the pain. You can express concern and understanding and compassion but beware of backtracking. You may feel anguish that this is such a painful difficult situation but it doesn’t mean the decision is wrong and should be reversed. Done in the best way you can, there is hope that there can eventually be healing on both sides.
Kathy Rees