In difficult times, expecting your relationship to feel easy and effortless will set you up for disappointment. Instead, in troublesome periods, shift the goals from thriving to surviving
Can couples stay respectful, even at times of disagreement?
Sometimes when everything seems chaotic and difficult, the goal is choosing not to walk away
Can conflict be managed in different ways
Couples can easily fall into patterns that they use without thinking once tension rises.
Interruption, blaming or just shutting down.
All this will only escalate the disconnection.
Once things calm down enough for reflection -stop – and try to reflect what the other was actually trying to communicate to you.
Listen, without defence, while they have the chance to repeat the issue. And then they are likely to be able to hear you too.
Slowing down really gives a chance to better understand the other. Slice it thin.
It’s the understanding that is the key, alignment isn’t always needed, but hearing the other offers the chance to know their needs or fears better.
Look beneath the surface
Often what is being said is not the real issue, but a key to what a partner might need.
‘You are always on your phone’ often just means that the other doesn’t feel special any more.
‘You never help around the house’ can mean that the other feels lonely or sidelined.
Look for clues to deeper feelings.
Taking responsibility for your own part is hard, especially at times that feel lonely. But it’s powerful to stop and think about who you become in any struggle and try to reflect on your own input.
Changing your communication style can have a positive effect on another person.
Couple Therapy is a strong way to reconnect
This can be a real sign of the need and commitment to change and find a neutral space to see how things have altered, and why.
It’s a way to communicate more successfully going forward.
We can’t go back to how things were, but we can remember the foundation of the relationship and what was the original couple fit. This can shape the way we see the other.
Showing up is the key to change. And a strong signal that each has a real will to do the work that leads to acceptance of the situation and a need to look at how, and why, things have changed.
Esther Perel argues that ‘distance’
is not the opposite of love, but a crucial component of desire. While intimacy requires closeness, desire thrives on longing, mystery and space. Too much closeness can lead to fusion which diminishes passion, making temporary absence like work trips or individual hobbies, essential for maintaining identity and attraction.
Physical connection is still an important part of couple life. Intimacy is more than sex, and touch may need to be remembered in times of stress.
Keep the hug, the morning kiss and the caress.
Staying vulnerable to each other can feel difficult at times. Date night might feel contrived, but even a simple supper together, alone, shows meaning and the need to prioritise each other.
Stay curious
So many clients make assumptions about their partner. People and circumstances change over time.
Ask open questions and never imagine that a shrug or sigh means something negative. Curiosity can soften entrenched defences and can lead to playful conversations. This lightness is easily lost in the pressures of responsibility and everyday life.
It can feel much easier to lean on friends or colleagues rather than feel able to take our problems to each other.
Relationships often start with understanding differences and otherness.
Honesty is better than avoidance.
Effort is better than withdrawal.
These methods of discussion are often easier, and can feel safer, to unpick in relationship counselling.
Staying together the during tricky times takes work. And commitment to couple counselling shows intent to change patterns that have begun to feel unhelpful to both partners.
Listening without prejudice is a key to better understanding between you both
Christina Fraser