Couples can find letting go is, in some ways, similar to loss. What happens when every conversation leads to a heated argument from which there seems to be no end. Words spoken get lost in a familiar pattern of louder voices and being unable to listen or think. A kind of white noise sets in until either the heat dies down and fizzles out or one or the other walks away. On some occasions, things get thrown or someone lashes out. On such occasions, further steps need to be taken. This blog does not cover those steps but Coupleworks.co.uk can help direct you to a therapist who can.
All the above is avoidable. In a good moment together if the atmosphere feels good there can be a discussion about how to resolve the trigger points in a different way.
There are some ways to try and see if an understanding can be reached by finding a middle way where both people are listening, hearing and debating until an agreement is reached respecting each other’s different point of view.
If either person feels that the familiar argument is about to begin it can help to try saying:-
What you have just said makes me feel I might say things that I regret so I am going to move into another room to think about how I have contributed to the familiar pattern. Once apart for a while it helps to think about when it happened last time. Could I take a different approach? When I responded a certain way last time did it help? Did I say things like:-
“You always”, or “You are not listening”, or “You never change”, or “Why can’t you do it my way”, or “You only think about yourself”, and many other responses which always begin with, You. Did that way help in past occasions?
If it is possible and not provocative, in your own words could you say:- “What you have just said about how you feel about me must be awful for you. I don’t feel that I do those things intentionally to make you feel that way so let’s talk about it and try to listen and hear each other’s hurt in order to resolve things without feeling either has lost or won.
If a less critical approach is found, a feeling of respect and understanding of each other can begin. It helps to think about your own responses and how much they may belong to an older story which led to emotional pain and rejection. Perhaps a few sessions with a therapist who is trained to listen and interpret might be helpful in resolving the original pressure points.
A sense of being understood is a great gift and can lead to more positive responses which are easier to do if each side has been heard. It can also be helpful in professional disagreements, in friendships, and perhaps in wartime when instead of hatred, all sides need to listen, trying to
respect each other’s fears and differences and try to resolve issues in a respectful way to start on the path to peace. Both sides will have to lose something but in creating a new way the letting go will no longer feel like a loss but a path to resolution.
Clare Ireland.