Quiet quitting
For many people the covid epidemic in 2020 caused sudden changes to their style of working and continues to have a lasting impact on how work is structured. With many jobs it became apparent that location was no longer of prime importance. Many people were no longer required to do the daily commute and, instead, created a designated working space at home. Some developed a flexible schedule of combining days in the office and other days working from home.
After the pandemic there was no compromise with those jobs that involve manual skills or working with people (those in manufacturing, agriculture, hospitals, schools, retail, hospitality… for example) and they picked up and continued as usual. But, with the jobs that are operated online, the epidemic’s ‘lockdowns’ brought the realisation that many aspects of computer-based work can be successfully completed remotely.
While this breaking away from the stranglehold of the ‘9 – 5’ five day week has been refreshing and a boon to those with young families or those with expensive travel costs, there have been some detrimental side effects.
The relationships with colleagues who are no longer seen so regularly and with whom the more informal ‘coffee-break’ conversations are no longer shared, can feel weaker. Connections with the organisation and employers can feel more detached and uncertain. Distance can mean it is more difficult to make links, feel seen, heard and understood, or feel valued and appreciated. The realisation that the incidental inter-personal interactions that are crucial in building relationships of loyalty and commitment weaken loyalties unless they are protected more consciously and diligently.
It has been interesting to see the term ‘quiet quitting’ frequently cropping up as a term to describe employees who, feeling disconnected, end up coasting in their roles, with a disinclination to put in extra effort, and committed to no more than the bare minimum required.
Quiet quitting in a relationship
However, this concept of ‘quiet quitting’ has also been used in connection to the personal and a book, ‘The Cost of Quiet’ by Collette Jane Fehr, discusses the destructive impact on a couple relationship of creeping emotional coolness and disconnection.
She suggests that when there is less engagement with knotty emotional needs, when there is a tendency to stay on the surface, when there is an avoidance of engaging in deeper conversations (perhaps with a fear of conflict or a well intentioned idea of not challenging the status quo) it can mean important issues get brushed under the carpet.
While in often an unspoken agreement, the number of ‘No-Go areas’ between partners can grow. Certain topics are tip-toed around and avoided. It feels safer not to go there.
Physical and emotional energy drains and partners often complain of a lack of desire. With little spark, the sexual intimacy can fade, and the couple settles for a bland facsimile of their original relationship.
Unfortunately, a gulf which is difficult to bridge, can widen and resentment grows if there is a feeling that the other person is reluctant to engage in the meaningful conversations that matter. Partners who no longer express the curiosity or interest in each other’s inner worlds, passions, or concerns noticeably begin to socialise separately and look outside the relationship to get needs met.
Moments of transition
It is apparent that any transitional point in the life cycle of a relationship can pose a threat. It may be a time of flux with the couple needing to adjust and adapt within the dynamics of their relationship. If they have not paid attention they may lack the flexibility to empathise and know what is required, while the changes mean they cannot rely upon the old order as before.
In Coupleworks we often see couples at these pivotal points when partners sometimes lose a sense of secure footing and find they cannot depend on each other as they once did. If there has been insufficient care and attention to emotional investment, it might have been easy for an attitude of ‘quiet quitting’ to have taken hold.
Noticing the red flags
They may have already started to give their energy elsewhere, whether to children, work, or interests and it is apparent the partner is no longer the special focus. They have begun ‘looking out’ and have one foot leaving the relationship. Expectations of support and understanding are low and each can feel quite lonely.
The demands of a new baby, a crisis at work, an unexpected health issue, the ‘empty nest’ stage, can create a demand for resources that no longer exist. The comfort blanket is threadbare and no longer soothes. The anticipated relationship interdependence no longer exists. Work, children, elderly parents, developing separate interests, have drained the pot and leave the couple wondering what they still have in common, wondering what do they still share, and what still connects them .
There are often no arguments or acrimony but the relationship has flat-lined and no longer offers emotional sustenance. They may share a home, be established in the family and community, be financially tied together, but they have lost their sense of identity as a couple, and feel at the heart there is an emptiness. They wonder ‘Where are we now?’ and ‘Who are we now?’ And ‘Do you even know who I am?’
A point of no return
Sadly, some couples have drifted so far there is no desire to return. They recognise that there has been a waning of emotional investment and they live almost as cordial flatmates. They are friends who have ended up taking different paths with few interconnections holding them together. The phrase “I love you, but I am not in love with you” can be heard.
There can be hope
However, fragile relationships are not irretrievable. They may have become stale, stuck and stagnant but they can be revived and partners can turn towards each other once more and find their way back into each other’s arms.
Therapy can make a difference
It means protecting each other in order to be vulnerable and open and remove the distancing defensive walls. It means validating each other’s needs and perceptions by holding each other’s emotional wellbeing as precious and special. It may feel daunting and trepidatious and working with a therapist can create the safety net required for what may feel risky. But can end up feeling wonderfully liberating and joyous.
Kathy Rees