Why is Mattering so vital to our existence
The more I say the word ‘Mattering’ the more curious it sounds. But it has been mentioned in several sessions with clients recently, and of course it explains a fundamental human need that is central to our wellbeing and can be explored in so many ways
First of all it’s a Gerund, a word lost since long ago schooldays, and even then it was unfathomable and just sounded like the definition of a small animal
But, according to the Cambridge Dictionary, the accurate definition of mattering is that it describes the general sense of being significant, valued and important in our relationships, work and life.
It is the idea that for our mental health to be stable, each person wants to feel as if they make a difference, that they are appreciated and would be missed if they weren’t around.
When couples or individuals come to therapy, it is often seeking some kind of change.
Usually it’s about finding more effective ways to communicate. This frequent involves working out how each of them can feel heard and understood more successfully.
Underlying most of the conflict or despair that can infiltrate a relationship is just the basic need to feel connected.
It’s really not the case that one of them needs to win an argument, but what is really important is that the other will listen with patience and respect, and show that another aspect of a situation is something to be heard without defensive retaliation, but rather taken to heart by both.
Agreement should not be the issue, but feeling understood is paramount. Otherwise it just becomes a battle and humans need to feel that they are still loved even when not aligned.
Feeling valued entails being appreciated and respected and recognised for who we are and being noticed for our contribution to others.
The negative outcome of feeling that we don’t matter, can be devastating. And this can easily be experienced as a deep rejection of who we are. Often can be described as anti–mattering
When couples first meet, it is usual for them to focus on the initial attraction and the feelings of intense connection.
Not only does each partner desire the other, but they in turn will live with the euphoric feeling of being desired.
For a while, each of them feels the mirrored effect of being special and needed. They experience the powerful feeling that the other gives them – the profound sense of mattering. This leads to a wonderful bubble of health and happiness surrounding so many couples at the initial romantic phase of a relationship.
Holding onto that memory can be an important part of the relationship once reality kicks in and ordinariness breaks down some of the initial euphoria.
Feeling ignored, dismissed or unworthy of attention can be the cause of deep unhappiness in any relationship.
Instead of feeling like the special one who had all the qualities that the other loved and admired, individuals who argue fiercely or ignore each others needs will feel that all they hear is what’s wrong with them. And living with the constant negative opinion of another can start to feel a painful reflection of who we are. No longer the beloved object but now the rejected other.
Feeling that we matter is a defining feature of humanity. When it disappears it leads to people feeling sad, ignored and powerless.
Of course it isn’t just in couple or family life that mattering features so strongly.
Being linked to others is the main component of feeling close and connected in our lives. The antedote to isolation and loneliness
Friends, family and work are still hugely important as a vital tool to those not in romantic relationships.
But if the bond begins to fracture for those in a couple it’s easy to see how connections with family, friends, children or work can start to fill the draughty gap between them.
Most humans need to combat loneliness and other relationships will become the prop that reflects back how significant, loved and needed each one feels and then comes to rely on.
This can lead to mattering coming solely from other sources instead of looking to a partner for validation and connection.
The depression and isolation that surrounded so many during the COVID pandemic only showed us how isolation and separation from work, group activities and friendships caused depression and loneliness. It’s easy to forget how being part of a team, meeting a trusted friend or going into a class or office can give a sense of identity and reassurance that bring feelings of connection in a meaningful way. These links and associations also play a vital rôle in in our understanding of who we are and what we need to feel special and significant
Research identifies three main aspects of the word mattering
Attention. The feeling that others notice our actions and existence
Importance. The perception of being significant and valued by people who care about you
Dependence. The understanding that others rely on you for the support and concern you can offer
It’s no surprise that during Covid, so many people felt the need to adopt a pet to fulfil these needs. And having an animal to nurture can still bring great comfort to those who feel isolated or neglected. Feeling important comes in many different forms and being noticed fulfils a basic human need. There will be times when we are more than happy not to be noticed, but living with constant feelings of being insignificant can really undermine mental health
Each of us needs to reflect on what is truly important to our feelings of comfortable identity.
Feeling needed should always be allied with boundaries. It’s not valuable to say yes to every request for help or company. Exploring this in the context of one’s own identity is such an important part of the counselling process.
Living in tandem with our own values and not just ‘people pleasing’ for the sake of feeling needed is about setting safe and creative boundaries. Many of these patterns can be traced back to childhood. How we ‘earned’ love may not serve us well in adulthood.
Tracing the links to these early family connections is one of the most valuable tools that therapy can offer to help us recognise how attachments were played out in childhood. How did we feel we mattered. What do we remember that was noticed and nurtured by primary caregivers?
Recognising the unique qualities that we each possess give feelings of self worth.
Practise mattering by telling someone important to you that they are valued. We can give this vital part of a connection to others, just as we need to recognise we need it for ourselves
Christina Fraser