Two or more truths in a healthy world or relationship should be open to safe debate and lead to a deeper and more informed connection between people, but where there’s only room for one truth, catastrophe beckons. Both in society, and between people where one voice overrules any opposition, the results will be troublesome and damaging.
Gaslighting – this term originated in 1944 from the Hitchcock film ‘Gaslight’ in which a woman is systematically driven to doubt her whole sense of reason by a controlling and abusive husband, who uses dramatically disruptive tactics to further his own sense of power and render her helpless and dependent.
The title has risen to striking prominence recently partly due to the calling out of important figures in the media who have finally, sometimes after years of toxic behaviour, been held to account.
This resulted in the much publicised #MeToo movement which gave a voice to the countless numbers of women (and men) who had been the victims of sexual bullying and assault. Many of whom felt they had no redress and so much to lose if they spoke up against those who wielded the enormous power that made them untouchable.
Thankfully, the bravery and the sheer numbers of women prepared to finally take the risk of standing up and finding a voice, has led to major legal and social changes. And appropriate redress for the pivotal figures who thought themselves invincible.
The #MeToo movement shone a light into the murky imbalance of brutal harassment based on sexual gratification for the perpetrators.
However, gaslighting can take many forms, some of which are immensely subtle.
And this affects personal relationships as well as our far wider social sphere and is certainly not confined to sex.
At Coupleworks, we as relationship counsellors, we are used to the conflict and argument patterns. But there is a thread of disagreement between a couple that can have more serious consequences.
It’s tempting to think that in 21st century Britain women have now gained a real sense of empowerment and individuality. But scratch beneath the surface and quite often one half of a twosome is loathe to challenge the dynamic set up between them.
There is sometimes a covert sense of emotional abuse not so easy to define that will start to emerge. This is where there isn’t the space for a healthy disagreement.
When couples row, it’s often because they each follow ‘their’ narrative of a truth based on their perceptions, beliefs and experiences. Therapists are used to hearing of incidents in our sessions that sound as if they come from a totally disparate situations. Almost comparable to a Sliding Doors narrative.
Two truths warring is part of couple life and our job as therapists is to validate this, there are often two ways of looking at an issue and maybe there is even a third way. We can help each person realise they don’t have to agree, but they can still respect another point of view and be prepared to listen carefully rather than impatiently wait to speak and interject their version of events. A good row can lead to a more informed and healthy relationship, with understanding of another’s viewpoint.
The trouble lies with couples where only one truth is allowed, and when this cannot be fairly examined.
Of course this can go either way in a heterosexual couple, but more often it’s still the woman who is loathe to challenge a false narrative.
For the benefit of the one who is exhibiting this gaslighting behaviour, the partner has be fearful of challenging the truth the other presents as fact. There’s a power dynamic and only one person can hold it.
This means the other will become unsure of their perspective and gradually their remaining confidence will be eroded and they will start to question their own point of view until they are unable, and fearful, of questioning the given facts.
This will be reinforced by the feeling that the gaslighted one is actually in some way to blame for the situation. Lying and distortion is the foundation of this behaviour and will make the victim even question themselves.
Blame shifting is a common tool, and the partner will be led to believe that somehow they are the cause of the trouble, and if only they were different things would be fine. This leads to low self- esteem and makes the vulnerable one even more dependent
‘Walking on eggshells’ is a common phrase used by those who feel they are unable to enter a discussion for fear of reprisal.
In a healthy relationship, although timing can be crucial in tricky times, there is no place for the kind of fear that prevents a safe conversation and a path to explore differing viewpoints.
Constantly having to apologise for an opinion, or feeling shame at the inability to challenge a perspective are not components of an equal partnership.
People who thought themselves strong and who often hold down responsible positions at work can start to feel totally inadequate when faced with a situation they feel is loaded with self blame at home.
Being told to calm down, being regularly told one is over-sensitive or overreacting is a warning sign.
Constantly being told that hurtful behaviour was ‘only a joke’ is another
This situation is not just confined to intimate relationships but can occur in friendships and in work and politics too.
In a recent edition of The Times, Daniel Finkelstein writes about a pressing and possibly dangerous overseas political system and the lessons that could be learned as to ….
‘….. how people can adopt untruth as part of their personal and political identity, and become impervious to reason, is applicable anywhere. It is the reason why truth, rules and character have to be defended against the slightest transgression, because later it may be too late’
Tough though it will feel, the real strength is in speaking up and opting out.
The women who took on Harvey Weinstein faced possible humiliation and ignominy, but they bravely made a stand.
It will be hard to change, to find coping strategies, and very hard to admit being a victim of such subtle bullying, but the power lies with the severing of ties in a toxic chain of behaviours.
And to finally believe that it’s the abuser who is really the vulnerable one. The need to overwhelm and conquer comes from a narcissistic fragile self esteem that needs to overrule in order to maintain a feeling of power.
Do find a therapist who understands this dynamic and will validate and listen to a point of view suppressed within your couple.
Find a friend who will listen without judgement and offer support
But please find someone if you recognise this pattern of behaviour and access the help that is so sadly lacking at home.
Christina Fraser