‘People say…. that it’s difficult to know oneself – but it’s not easy to paint oneself either’
Letter from Vincent to Theo van Gogh, September 1889 (quoted at the current exhibition of Van Gogh’s self portraits at The Courtauld)
Similarly, commenting on her father, King Lear, Regan, his elder daughter, says
‘Yet he hath ever but slenderly known himself’ (King Lear Act 1 Scene 1).
And the same could be said of most of us for that certainly lies at the root of many of the relational difficulties that come into my therapy room. It is often a lack in self-awareness that leads to problems in behaviours, which in turn damage relationships.
In my experience too it is frequently the case that people express this by looking for others to change whilst not focussing on the person they can do most about – themselves. Much better in the process of exploring the dynamics of a relationship, is for each partner to become more aware of how their own behaviours are contributing to its problems. Nowhere is this more true than in the spectrum of passive – aggressive – manipulative behaviours, which are destructive in relationships, in contrast to the more constructive patterns of assertive effective behaviour.
So what do these behaviours look like and why are the first three so destructive?
Aggressive behaviours
Aggressive behaviour is competitive and, as its main aim is to emerge as a winner someone else has to lose. This is usually achieved by putting others down or overriding their feelings, wishes or rights. With very little self-esteem, the aggressive person cannot afford to consider the other person’s point of view and, faced with conflict or confrontation, the aggressive character responds with outright verbal or even physical abuse. This leaves behind a trail of hurt and humiliated feelings and a bad atmosphere. The recipient may never be able to express these feelings directly because of a fear of provoking another attack, but those on the end of an aggressive outburst will hold on to their feelings of hurt and resentment, causing long term damage to a relationship.
Indirectly aggressive (Manipulative)
Indirectly aggressive behaviour also arises from low self-esteem and is equally destructive. Instead of the more obvious aggressive ways, this is more subtle and disguised. The need to manipulate stems from the fear of exposure – it becomes safer to control and manipulate than to face confrontation and risk being rejected. Manipulation involves deceiving oneself and other people and getting needs met by the devious means of making others feel guilty if they don’t do what the manipulator wants. On the surface, the indirectly aggressive character may appear to think highly of others but an undercurrent of disapproval can often be detected. However any attempt to find out what is really going on is met with denial so that a partner is left feeling puzzled and guilty.
Passive behaviours
Passive behaviour is typically seen to represent a doormat and it makes ideal fodder for either of the aggressive characteristics above. The passive type sees themselves as a victim of unfairness and injustice at the hands of other people or maybe of fate. Decisions are impossible – it is easier to opt out and let others decide on their behalf. Those concerned will often resent this scared and deferring person. They may begin by wanting to help but then feel guilty and frustrated because whatever they do, it is never enough. The hard luck stories begin to lose their conviction: would-be helpers lose patience and try to avoid contact. Partners drift apart and love grows cold.
All these three behaviours make for destructive dynamics in relationships which prevent genuine, authentic and open communication in couples. So what is an alternative healthy pattern that therapy can help individuals and couples to establish in their relationships?
Assertive – effective behaviour
Assertive behaviours involve a genuine respect for others. As people are increasingly ready to accept both their positive and negative strengths and weaknesses, they become much more able to accept others for who they are. They don’t need to put others down because they don’t feel the need to win. Instead of believing that others are responsible for their lives, they can accept responsibility for their own choices and behaviours. They can acknowledge their needs and ask openly and directly for what they want, even though that risks refusal and possible rejection. If refused and turned down, such a person is not totally demolished because their self-esteem is anchored deeply within themselves – it is not dependent on the approval of others. They can also learn to set limits effectively so that others know where they stand in relation to them. They can respond sincerely to others and cope with situations appropriately, giving themselves credit for what they understand and feel.
All of that may sound a little simplistic but it’s a great goal to aim for and in my experience even small shifts in these patterns of behaviours, and the improved communications that flow from them can make significant differences. As with King Lear the journey to this sort of self knowledge and changed behaviours may be a painful and complex one and can be a life-time’s work. Perfection is unachievable but small changes can benefit our own sense of well-being and the relationships we form.
Sarah Fletcher