So what did you see in the viral phenomenon of that dress? For you was it blue and black or white and gold? Well I still don’t begin to understand why it was different for some people from others. I’ll leave the neuroscientists to puzzle that one out. And what is even more mysterious to me was that at one stage I saw it as blue and black – and then, just a few minutes later, as white and gold.
And now I see the Salvation Army are building on the theme to highlight the important issue of domestic violence. Dressing a female model in a white and gold version of the dress they ask the question why most people’s eyes focus on her glamour and not on the fact that her face and her legs are covered with black and blue bruises.
Couple counselling is a forum for each member of a couple to bring their different perceptions of their relationship. Very often at the start of counselling each one is trying to convince the other that their version of the issues is the ‘true’ one, and they are determined that they are right. As a therapist my role is not to be judge and jury as to which one is ‘right’, but to help the couple accept that they see things differently. One partner may be seeing blue and black whilst the other is seeing white and gold.
When each partner can begin to accept that the other has a different view and experience, and they can allow themselves to be inquisitive and curious, then something shifts in their interaction. That’s the point at which things become less polarised and the couple can begin to find a way through their difficulties. Learning to believe that your own perception isn’t the only one on offer can be transformative.
Blue and black or white and gold? – we all need to find a space in our relationships to recognise both realities.
Sarah Fletcher