Fences, gates, walls, hedges, brambles, mines, broken glass, barbed wire, guns, armed barriers, checkpoints, and border control. All of these are boundaries. When faced with any of them, people become alert and try to think of ways to negotiate and be allowed into a more welcoming place on the other side. If couples can break down a boundary peacefully using careful wording rather than using it as an inflammatory attack, they can find a way to a safer and more trusting relationship.
We find at Coupleworks that #boundaries and #vocabulary used in different relationships within the family group can become blurred and inflammatory. Together we explore what repeated patterns are and, depending on the circumstances and the seriousness of the broken boundary, we spend time together unpicking what has happened and looking at what can be resolved more fairly and acceptably.
Couples bringing difficulties within their duo, which are affecting relationships in the wider family group can be helped in ways that suit their story. Every story is different and must be listened to and heard in a safe setting.
Words used repeatedly can be minefields if used during arguments which become set in a familiar scenario. Soft boundaries are less likely to enable a conflict and words carefully used can become healing rather than weapons.
We ask couples which words used in arguments are triggers. Can they describe a recent argument that dissolved into a malignant roundabout from which neither of them could jump off.
We ask whether the words they use could be changed and become less of a red light.
Taking time together within the safety of the session to work out why a seemingly simple word can be so dangerous may lead to a point of no return in the argument.
Quite soon, they do find words that create dangerous boundaries and words which can create the start of a more peaceful resolution.
We ask how quickly these patterns form. Why is it so difficult to retain the status quo? What is the attraction to using words that are known to be inflammatory? Why is the pattern so hard to break? Couples discover that debating about an important decision to be made is preferable to laying down the law, creating an unwanted boundary. They find that listening to and hearing what is being said rather than watching out for accusative vocabulary can bring about a safe place where intimacy is more likely to flourish.
Clare Ireland