CELEBRATING THOSE WHO HAVE MADE IT
An Overview of the Length and Depth of Couple Life Well Lived
Coupleworks, our group of veteran relationship counsellors have written scores of blogs to help our clients navigate all sorts of the crisis that will arise in the course of couple and family life.
We are so used to tackling the many issues which get brought to therapy sessions that nothing surprises or shocks us. We know only too well how hard it is for people to negotiate life as a couple, and how much work it takes to stay on track.
But this blog is to celebrate those who have made it. The ones who have stuck together and with kindness and tolerance have built long-lasting and fulfilled couple life
It’s also important to stress that this build isn’t like an exam that gives some people good marks and a certificate of success.
This is an ongoing project that will need continuing respect and acknowledgment of each others needs, and the understanding that these needs will change over time.
When I see elderly couples being interviewed for their thoughts on relationship longevity, I’m always amused when one will often say ‘Oh we’ve had our ups and downs’
This won’t mean a bit of a squabble about who last had the tv remote, this will inevitably mean that they have navigated some rough waters but come through with insight and love.
A client once described his feeling of stability and trust by describing that he felt as if he and his partner were co-pilots on a long plane journey.
He felt that either one of them could disappear to the sleeping quarters and rest quietly for a while, secure in the knowledge that the plane was in safe hands and headed in the right direction.
Much has been written about the seven stages of couple life. The well documented transition from the initial blissful Honeymoon Stage through to Realisation and Rebellion which are some of the tricky parts, usually 5 to 7 years in.
Surveys show that this period can constitute serious turbulence.
These years often coincide with money dilemmas, busy family life, career decisions and quite often feelings of being overwhelmed or trapped can therefore can result in little empathy for an other who is likely feeling much the same. It can be hard for two stressed and beleaguered people to help each other.
But statistics show that substantially more couples stay together than separate.
We at Coupleworks know that those who put in the time and energy are the ones most likely to succeed.
Life will throw challenges, often unexpectedly but the couple underpins the family and there is some tried and tested advice that will keep the flight safely on course even through the most bumpy periods of domestic life, so well illustrated by ‘Conversations From a Long Marriage’ on BBC Radio 4 Conversations from a Long Marriage
Communication
This stretches from keeping each other in the loop for everyday things, to being able to really open up to shared thoughts and feelings.
Always remember you do not have to agree, but you have to do your very best to understand each other and in turn, to feel heard.
Intimacy
This comes in many forms. Sharing a healthy sex life is part of this, but being able to show true vulnerability is vital for closeness. Even a 20 second hug can do wonders to restore a feeling of safety and warmth.
Friendship
Make sure that your partner is your closest friend and an ally in troubled times.
Of course our individual friendships are vital outside a marriage as long as they don’t slip into a place to express disloyalty of the other
Date Nights
This one isn’t just about romantic candlelit suppers (although these can be great if time and finances allow)
This is about always making sure that the couple invests in the relationship by putting aside phones, to-do lists, work and chores and has at least a weekly check-in.
If money is tight, a quiet supper with no screens, or a walk will be fine. In the busyness and stress of everyday life it’s important to remember these are the times that will help to keep the bond fresh. It puts the exclusivity of a partner above all our other distractions.
Time Apart
All the tips for great partnerships will stress the need for togetherness. But we also need to see each other as the people we were originally attracted to with their own talents and interests. This gives perspective and something to discuss outside the domestic arena
Trust
This is a big one. And is really the most important basis for strong connection.
Without trust, things can unravel fast.
Truth in communication is essential, people need to really know each other and be accepted in spite of each others flaws and differences.
If trust is broken, any harm needs to be openly acknowledged and mistakes sincerely owned before any rebuilding can take place.
Negotiating Conflict
George and Amal Clooney may have had no rows in their whole marriage, but this is not the experience the rest of us can share.
A marriage can be a place of tension and passion. It’s not about avoiding conflict, it’s about managing it with some respect and empathy.
There are infinite resources giving good tips here, including many on our blog pages …. read up and remember to pick your battles carefully.
Tolerance and Forgiveness
Basically, we are all going to mess up at some stage, so tricky as it is, learn to apologise and accept this from the other – it shows strength and bravery. We have to accept the annoyances and apparent flaws in each other.
It seems easy for some couples to hold back their everyday ordinary irritations, which can then fester and become hidden grievances.
Unexpressed resentment will lead to loss of desire and respect. Deal with these before they gain importance. Playfulness and banter can often help to diffuse differences and lead to better mutual understanding
Acceptance
This is the final accomplishment in a couples’ life.
Understanding that there’s no such thing as a perfect partner, real acceptance means allowing the other to still feel valued in spite of their differences and imperfections.
Accepting each others flaws leads to trust and safety. There needs to be real understanding of another’s perspective
Empathy lets each person see the other with truth and clarity. Being loved for who we really are by someone who understands us will deepen the connection. Safety will enable vulnerability which is essential in authentic relationships.
It’s been said many times but the grass really isn’t greener on the other side, so fill that watering can and nurture your own patch of lawn, as that’s where a garden flourishes best.
Here’s Shania Twain to validate the joy of a long relationship