I have been working with a remarkable couple for the past few years. We see each other irregularly now and when we do it’s more like a ‘check-in’ where they are able notice their own behaviour and speak about what issues may still be lurking. In our recent sessions there was a consistent agreement that they felt solid in the relationship.
There have been many ups and downs throughout our time in couple’s therapy but they have worked hard through the many issues between them. They have made significant changes individually to accept and to appreciate one another. They have learned to listen to one another and to understand what issues were theirs and, in turn, what belonged to their partners. They sometimes defaulted and repeated reactive behaviour, as most couples do when they feel wounded and hurt, but they have learned to catch themselves and communicate differently. Whenever I thought of them, I felt so pleased they had gone through difficult times and came out intact and had a loving connection between them.
So it came as a great shock when in a recent session they announced that they were splitting up. The impact has been devastating for them. As their therapist, I admit I was heartbroken for them and shaken by the news. When my feelings settled I was able to reflect on many of the issues that were not and could not be spoken about.
In many cases, the dynamics of a couple’s relationship unfold in therapy and this was the case here. Despite my repeated attempts to address a persistent problem, both partners acknowledged the issue existed but insisted they were working on it. This never felt right to me, and my concerns went largely unheeded. I strive to be a direct and challenging therapist, but I also am sensitive to respect their reluctance and resistance to confront certain topics.
It’s understandable that when difficult issues need to be addressed, most of us want to ignore them. It’s a convenient dance couples do, sometimes for years or even decades. The problem is, when these issues aren’t discussed, they start to ruminate in the head of one person while the other one thinks everything is fine. This is when couples disconnect and stop communicating with each other. This separateness of thought leaves one person to make unilateral decisions on behalf of the relationship. The couple ceases to be thought about and their partner no longer has a voice.
With this couple, the fallout has left them feeling shocked and distressed beyond what they ever imagined was possible. It has blown up the life of one of them and ripped their foundation from under them. The other has been left with the guilt of wanting to leave and seeing the pain they have inflicted on the person they have loved for decades. It’s hard to witness but, at the same time, I know they will be whole again. They will find their grounding and they will find a new life for themselves. They will love again. It will just take time.
Shirlee Kay