Couples sometimes come to us at Coupleworks to find the best way through a crisis. We look at how they can work together in order to feel they have some kind of control. This in turn will help them to find some joint necessary strength.
I am not writing about a crisis brought about within the couple’s story. Rather, I am looking at unforeseen crises beyond the couple’s control.
Events such as extreme weather, earthquake, war, floods or drought and pandemics about which neither of the people in the couple have previous experience.
A bond never experienced before needs to be formed so that each person feels trust in their attachment when faced with danger. This bond can be built during their everyday lives in many small ways. Knowing who takes what role needs to be known without argument. Familiar disagreements have to be stowed, (these can be negotiated and resolved in less traumatic times). This leaves a calm approach necessary for them to jointly face the unknown if and when it happens. Each has to recognise the other’s skills and also their fears. Both of those inner and outer worlds have to be respected, acknowledged and praised.
Recognising each other’s superiority in certain areas of management and skill is necessary in order to coordinate the next step with encouragement. Eyes meeting in agreement, a touch in passing, a squeeze of hands, a hug of comfort are all valuable assets when humans feel uprooted, deskilled or out of their comfort zones.
If couples can build up this way of recognising the other’s worth in day to day events and lives, any form of crisis that they encounter out of the blue will be strengthened when that depth of love and respect exists in ordinary life. It is helpful to remember this every day by little signs to each other.. Even a gentle smile can be a shared code when sensing danger.
These gestures and others will build an inner container of assets to open when greatly needed at times of unfamiliarity and chaos.
Clare Ireland