‘Sometimes it lasts in love.
Sometimes it hurts instead…’
Adele
‘The loss of a loved one is one of the most profound experiences of human existence…’
John Bowlby
‘Life can be amazing. And then awful. And then it can be amazing again.
And in between the amazing and the awful it can be ordinary and mundane and routine.
Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary.
That is just living a heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life…’
L R Knost
The Awful
- We can be devastated by the death of someone dearly loved and cherished and left heartbroken and bewildered by their absence.
- We can feel that life has been turned upside down, and that our significance has been somehow erased, when stunned by the news that our partner has decided to end our relationship.
- Our confidence in our sense of Self, and our belief in a world we thought was safe, can be destroyed with the discovery that we have been betrayed by someone we loved and trusted.
When abandoned and confronted by the agonising loss of a cherished figure, any safe base on which we thought we stood, is shattered and life becomes awful.
Suddenly we are all at sea and helpless, swamped by tidal waves of grief.
Not only do grieve for the person we loved, but gone is the future we had planned – with all our dreams, hopes and expectations.
Such acute suffering is not confined to a specific age, gender or culture. It is universal and part of what it means to be human.
The Impact
Such is its importance in our lives, the loss of a significant relationship can trigger a cascade of emotions. We feel such shock and confusion that it seems impossible to make sense of what has happened.
In our brain the amygdala, which controls the fight/flight/freeze response, takes charge and it becomes difficult to engage our rational, thinking, pre-frontal cortex part of the brain which helps to regulates our reactions.
In response to the intense emotional distress caused by the sucker punch of loss and abandonment, the amygdala orders the release of a flood of the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline.
The grief is experienced in the body as well as mentally. Everything is heightened and both our emotional and physical states veer wildly.
Living the Grief
Mourning a loss is not linear and does not follow a neat pattern. It has been described as embarking on a jagged journey on a runaway train.
While, of course, everyone’s experience is unique to them and grief is not processed in the same way by everyone, it is certainly a turbulent and challenging time and those suffering need support to navigate their way through.
Feeling the Grief
We can sink so low we feel leaden, deeply depressed, and unable to move or think. It can feel impossible to get out of bed or wash and dress.
At other times we are so agitated and restless we cannot sleep, we cannot eat. Our heart rate can increase and make it difficult to breathe.
We can feel rigid and brittle, tense, and so full of anxiety that we cannot focus, settle or rest.
The Beginning of Recovery
When in a fragile state self-care becomes a lifeline even if it sometimes feels hard to manage and coordinate.
It is easy to despair – ‘What’s the point?’ – and easy to sink into self-neglect, not eat properly, attempt to numb with alcohol.
Prioritising one’s own well-being needs thought and care and compassion, but the energy for that can be hard to muster, so leaning in on others for support can be essential.
In grief, one’s needs and state of mind can shift in a second, and it can be wise not to plan too far ahead. Who knows what you will feel or what you will need later. It may be best to concentrate on what can be managed in the ‘now’, taking only minutes or hours at a time.
Friends and family can offer encouragement to take things gently but also shoulder some of the pressure. They can offer perspective on what can be managed and what can be postponed. They can help in the withstanding of internal negative and critical voices of ‘should’ and ‘ought’ and ‘have to’.
What to Do?
- Soothing the body can be an aid to easing the mind. For example, standing under a hot shower or sinking into a deep bath and allowing the tears to flow. Grieving is not a sign of weakness. It means we are feeling and acknowledging the extent of the pain and sadness of the awful thing that has happened. It is an appropriate response to the loss and an important stage in the healing process. There will be times when we embrace denial as a protection against the agony becoming too much. There will be times that we are furious that life has dealt us this blow. This is not the time to be ‘strong’ and accepting help that is offered can be a support. Grief is a rollercoaster and the bereaved and abandoned can sometimes need a compass and help to navigate through.
- Sometimes the body fizzes with adrenaline and it may help to go outside and walk around the block. Exercise reduces levels of stress hormones and lowers the heart rate. If possible, try to include a time in a green space. Dig the garden. Sit on a bench and gaze at a tree. Try a short walk in a park.
- Sometimes you may feel lethargic and weighed down, and your body feels so heavy you are barely able to lift your head. Maybe sit with a hot drink and find a soothing soundscape of natural sounds to play on your phone. Watch a Richard Attenborough nature film that doesn’t demand too much concentration. Distraction is a short-term fix and doesn’t heal the wound, but grief can be exhausting and sometimes we need a break from the relentlessness of it all. Does watching sport do that for you? It is not ‘forgetting’ or ‘dishonouring’ the catastrophic event but allowing some respite from the turmoil. We are in no doubt the feelings will be reactivated and return but it may help to steady the ship and help regain a fleeting moment of equilibrium.
- Are you feeling anxious and achingly alone? Sometimes there is sensory comfort (however seemingly paltry) found by hugging a hot water bottle, or wrapping up in a blanket, or clutching the clothing that smells of the person who has gone. We might be missing and yearning for physical touch and could be helped by booking a massage. Perhaps there is a friend who has offered to meet up or to call for a chat. They may feel poor substitutes for the person who is really longed for, but it can ease the despair.
- Similarly, when overwhelmed by fear and hopelessness, finding a way to reach out and get in touch with someone who will walk alongside, who will hold your hand, will help keep you grounded, can make all the difference. It could be a GP, family and friends, a support group, a counsellor, a religious body, (And, in the middle of the night, have the Samaritans number to hand: 116 123)
- Abandonment creates a whirl of chaotic feelings and a sense of loss of control. Begin the task of regaining control by imposing order on your surroundings in small ways. If it helps, have a clear out or change things around. Create a peaceful corner with a candle or a flower to contrast with the upheaval. Or curate a special space with photographs and mementos of places or objects or people who are loved. They can represent safe havens to which to retreat when the world feels hostile and unpredictable. Sometimes we need to look on and allow our eyes to absorb something that is ‘good’ as reassurance that not all has been lost. It can be a relief to step back from the darkness of the abyss and allow in a ray of light.
- After her husband’s sudden death in a tragic accident, Sheryl Sandberg, the CEO of Facebook, wrote: ‘I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning.’
- Journalling can be a way of bringing a shape to the chaos. Find a notebook and each day, on one page, pour out all the feelings in a stream of consciousness, however muddled and incoherent. But always keep the opposite page clear and write one good thing that you can be grateful for. It may be that you managed to clean your teeth, or a friend called, or the sun shone, or you managed to eat a piece of toast. Give yourself permission to be the ‘You’ that notices a moment of solace that can let in a light and give meaning.
As Dinah Washington sang, in so many ways “What a difference a day makes. 24 little hours…”
There will always be a ‘before’.
But there can also be a meaningful ‘after’.
Recommended reading:
‘Abandonment Recovery Handbook’ by Cher Hampton
Embracing the 5 Stages of Healing from Abandonment, Loss, and Heartbreak for Emotional Resilience and Grief Rlecovery
‘Chatter’ by Ethan Kross
The Voice in our Head and How to Harness It
‘Heartburn’ by Nora Ephron
A Novel about Love and Loss
Kathy Rees