When I begin relationship counselling with a couple, the first few sessions (whether online or at my London practice) often involve partners telling me about the everyday issues they don’t like about each other, which causes conflict in their relationships. These ‘bugbears’ can be anything from being unhappy with how the dishwasher is loaded to one partner feeling the other spends too much time on their phone. Things that seem like small issues can build up over time. So, in this article, I will share some tips on handling relationship bugbears.

How Bugbears Impact Relationships:

While some relationship bugbears may seem minor in isolation, it is always better to work through them. If unresolved, minor frustrations can lead to frequent arguments and resentment.

Bugbears that result in conflict are often due to unmet expectations and a clash of values, which can, in turn, stop a relationship from thriving and growing.

Common Relationship Bugbears:

Here is a list of some of the most common bugbears I encounter during relationship counselling at my London practice.

  • Unequal division of household chores: This bugbear tends to occur more when one partner works and the other is at home looking after children.
  • Differing views on parenting roles: Differences in our parenting often manifest in how we parent our children.
  • Domestic annoyances: These types of bugbears are many and varied! They might include leaving the lights on, general untidiness, and dishes left in the sink overnight.
  • Unthoughtful behaviour: This could be when one partner is always late or fails to stay in touch with the other.
  • Financial responsibilities and money worries: Watching who spends what and why.
  • Constant negativity and criticism: This can create a cycle of resentment making it difficult for partners to feel appreciated or supported in the relationship.

Tips for Handling Relationship Bugbears:

Make time and space for conversation:

Firstly, make the time to address your bugbears with each other. Criticism in the heat of the moment doesn’t work. So, sit down together for a direct, calm and respectful conversation. Discussing issues in a safe, secure environment helps solve problems before they escalate.

Use ‘me’ and ‘I’ to describe how an issue feels for you rather than ‘you’ to explain the bugbear.

This makes ‘me’ feel… ✅

‘I’ feel that this… ✅

‘You’ do… ❌

Note how the last one is loaded with blame and criticism.

Curiosity doesn’t always kill the cat:

Empathy is vital in dealing with bugbears. So, try to understand and be curious about why your partner may behave this way. Acknowledge that your partner may have different perspectives on what is important.

Find your middle ground:

Compromise is essential when handling relationship bugbears. Giving and taking on both sides will help partners adjust their behaviours and facilitate a healthier, more constructive relationship.

When to seek further help:

Relationship bugbears can show up at any time in our relationships. They are not always with partners; they may be with friends, children, or other family members. The tipping point occurs when these minor issues become persistent sources of conflict, creating a cycle of negativity or emotional disconnection.

So, if you have tried to work through your bugbears together but are still struggling, you may need expert help. Contact Coupleworks therapists, who can use their expertise to help you navigate these issues. We are London-based but can also work with clients online.

Dawn Kaffel