POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION – WHEN BABYSHOCK BECOMES MORE SERIOUS
Starting the Therapy
Talking to couples negotiating tricky stages in relationships often means that they present with difficulties over communication and mutual feelings of not being heard or understood.
This leads to tricky discussions in sessions which can begin to sound rather rivalrous.
Sometimes it feels as if there’s a competition to see which of them is the most hard done by.
Getting to the effect of birth on the couple
Digging down is the therapists’ task here. What is really going on?
We now we have to build a wider picture of their lives.
Even though it’s not always immediately clear, in couples negotiating problems, the impact of a ‘new’ baby is often dismissed if they are many months down the track
A lot has been written about the effects of the first child on a couple, but many clients with the first or even second baby feel that their lives should be back on track after a few weeks, which only adds to the sadness and confusion
It’s completely normal that the effects of a birth will include chemical and hormonal changes, casually referred to as ‘Baby Blues’ but add to this the possible after effects of a tricky birth, the psychological impacts of IVF, donor or surrogacy and it is not unusual for a long term impact that can fracture even the strongest couples.
The standard list of Postpartum symptoms usually includes
- Sadness
- Low Energy
- Anxiety
- Irritability
- Change of eating and sleeping patterns
- Withdrawal of social links
The less apparent postnatal effects
A factor not mentioned can also be the shame that can invade the couples life.
This was supposed to be a joyous and much longed for baby. They can feel that of course they should be coping. but then we have to talk about the ‘should’ word.
Society can make us believe that this is a magical time with no distractions.
Instagram, Facebook and the wider media are full of glossy imagery celebrating the wonderful family time being enjoyed by others who are seemingly in total control of glossy and photogenic lives.
My experience is that many couples are totally exhausted. The simplest chores can trigger a row. Both of them are drained and the expectation had been that all these after effects would disappear after just a few weeks.
And the ‘should’ word can make it hard to reach out for help in the fear that by apparently not coping, they are somehow lacking. And this leads to loneliness and blame.
Transition to the post-baby world
It’s easy to view this situation as a life stage that affects only women. But fathers are going through huge changes too. Feelings of tiredness, sadness being anxious and overwhelmed are also experienced by men.
Responsibilities can mount up and this is often where communication becomes harder as each of the couple can feel that they are struggling to just keep their head above water and there’s no energy left over to listen or meet the needs of their partner.
Not sharing their BabyShock
Sadly around 20% of couples separate within the first year of a child’s arrival.
Couples who realise that they need a safe space to offload and take stock of their new situation are making a brave investment in better understanding of the circumstances that have changed so much about their relationship
Intimacy after having a baby
As well as the time to listen and care for each other diminishing, then the physical side of their lives can easily dwindle and often just stop.
This means that intimacy and closeness are eroded on every front and often this all becomes just too loaded and wearying to even discuss.
In time this can easily just become a rather tired and scratchy norm.
Couple counselling is so useful to explore this transition and even many months – and sometimes years – down the line, so many relationships are helped by honest communication and acceptance of change
Helpful tips to make life after BabyShock a little more manageable
The main issues that couples bring to counselling are
- Tiredness
- Money worries
- Changes in identity
- Lack of intimacy
These can all feel insurmountable, but once people trust the therapist, there’s room for creative discussion and losing what clients describe as the endless cycle of ‘He said She said’ (which can be adjusted in same sex couples although the basic issues won’t be any different.)
Tiredness is really a given and can erode both mental and physical energy. Kindness is hard to find when daily life feels like a fight for survival.
Take it in turns to sleep if possible – if there’s a spare room or couch then gift the other either a lie-in or better still, a nights sleep.
Money is a tricky one. If there’s primary caregiver who has given up a salary, it’s easy for both parents to resent this new dynamic. Talking is vital. Work is not only what goes on outside the home and financial dependence can cause tension. Be kind to each other and remember this phase won’t be for ever.
The unacknowledged resentments can fester and grow without openness and honesty.
Identity is less obvious but it will change and all change brings an element of loss. Try to enable each other to find time to regain the parts of their lives that can feel forgotten. Hobbies, sport or just quiet time alone without any feelings of guilt.
This is a real gift that both can give and receive.
Relationships outside the home
Once the post baby bubble has burst, and often months down the line, people can easily lose connections with family, friends or colleagues
Esther Perel in her wonderful book ‘Mating in Captivity’ explores the human need to be ‘other’ sometimes and engage with elements of life outside family and partnerships in order to bring those easily lost parts of ourselves back into our intimate relationships
Intimacy
This doesn’t just mean sex. Often the lack of physical connection is the result of losing the closeness in other parts of couple life.
Time together
This can become hard to prioritise once there are new family members who need attention, but is essential. The couple underpins the family.
Closeness and intimacy are the result of trust and care.
There may need to be some flexibility around time together. Babysitting is a great help if there’s money or caring relatives or friends to enable even a few hours together out of the house.
If not, try to prioritise a supper or movie together at home.
A time for just the two of you. Avoiding conversations around children is a plus. Just concentrate on each other.
Therapy
This will allow time for discussion around ways to regain physical contact, but foreplay starts with small gestures of kindness.
A cup of tea, a genuine enquiry about wellbeing, an unexpected compliment or a hug.
If sex feels too daunting, then talk about it. Remember the closeness and explain without pressure how you maybe miss each other.
And look forward to reconnecting
BabyShock can linger and the effects may not be acknowledged as months pass. Adapting to a new life can be trickier than expected
With care and time relationships will change and this transition can be seen as an important time to renew and rebuild couple life.
Remember that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.
Christina Fraser