Every couple is different and yet seek to be the same as other couples who at the same time are trying to fit into the group.
This can be a dilemma for many people living together and seeking harmony. I try to work with my clients to enable a gentle shift in the patterns which form in couple interaction and shift the negative dialogue which can become so familiar that neither person can hear the other. A kind of white noise.
I notice that people who come from an upbringing which had a lot of rules and regulations find themselves repeating this stance with their partners even though they hated it at the time.
Similar to a jelly, if the ingredients are followed exactly and the rules adhered to the result is a rather dull wobbly set. Couples, however, never have exactly the same ingredients and need colour and creativity in their patterns together borrowing each other’s differences and experimenting with it themselves. This encourages a richness and ever changing shared interaction between them.
Telling your partner why you think they are the way they are and how to alter themselves can feel like saying, I can only love you if you become more like me ……
Perhaps some of the following may have a better outcome.
You seem to be very upset and I am wondering why? Shall we chat about it now or wait till later?
If they tell you why, even if you have seemingly been the root cause in their mind, don’t defend what you don’t own and say…
That sounds very painful, what do you feel like doing to try and feel better?
Then say, that sounds a good idea… Go for it. You often choose the right solutions.
If you feel upset yourself and either sidelined, misunderstood, hurt, ignored, provoked, criticised, blamed or told how to behave, you can try saying,
I feel I have upset you in some way. Do you think we can talk about it?
Sometimes I can experience a whole session where each person says to the other ‘you always say’, … or ‘you make me feel, … or ‘you never think about me’, …. or ‘I think you say or do that because’, ….. The overall feeling in the room is one of despair and sadness.
To avoid being : Stuck in a negative pattern. I suggest trying to stay with self and using, I and me.
I wonder if I sometimes don’t really hear what you are trying to say to me.
or
I think I can come across as critical or harsh or unforgiving, am I right.?
or
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t said things to you and it is too late for me to take the words back.
There are so many small ways to avoid being :Stuck in a negative pattern. All of which can help to alter the atmosphere between a couple and create more intimacy, understanding,respect, acknowledgement, love and acceptance. Clare Ireland