Recently, I’ve worked with several couples who have shared a common concern: they’ve noticed a decline in their attraction towards their partner. They’ve described their relationship as more akin to that of siblings than romantic partners and have confessed that they often stay together for the sake of their children. It struck me that, aside from the couples I’m working with, many other people may ask themselves, “Why don’t I fancy my partner anymore?”
Often, the couples I work with share a list of frustrations and complaints about their partner without exploring the more profound question: why has the attraction faded? Read on if this sounds familiar and you’ve struggled with similar feelings.
Why don’t I fancy my partner anymore?
Putting the work into a relationship:
Attraction in the early stages of a relationship is effortless. There’s excitement, novelty, and energy. However, as the honeymoon phase fades, maintaining attraction requires conscious effort, something many couples don’t realise.
One common misconception is that sexual desire should happen naturally, without needing to “work on it.” Some partners believe that if they must put in effort, it somehow feels forced or unnatural. But imagine applying that same mindset to your career. You will only achieve success or satisfaction if you put energy into your work. So, it stands to reason that the same applies to your relationship.
Why don’t I fancy my partner anymore? Attraction Killers:
A few key factors can lead to a loss of attraction over time:
- Emotional Disconnection: Many couples feel they’ve lost their emotional bond. Understanding one another’s different emotional needs is essential; otherwise, a relationship feels unfulfilled.
- Fear of Vulnerability: The loss of connection often triggers a fear of vulnerability. Instead of opening up, partners may become more guarded, protecting themselves emotionally rather than risking deeper intimacy.
- Sameness: Ironically, this fear of vulnerability often leads us to think we must mirror our partners emotionally or behaviourally. If we start to mirror our partners and lose our individuality, we reduce the dynamic energy of being different. It’s a natural attraction killer.
Many couples I work with struggle to show love and attraction because they have lost the ability to connect authentically—not just with each other but with themselves. Natural attraction comes from the energy of difference, from being two distinct individuals who choose to grow together.
Reigniting the Spark:
So, what steps can you take to reignite the spark in your relationship? The answer lies in the power of self-reflection and understanding the significance of differentiation.
- Self-Reflection & Accountability: Each partner must reflect on themselves and their behaviour. Ask yourself: Am I taking responsibility for my happiness and growth, or am I expecting my partner to fulfil every need?
- Embrace Differences: Recognise that your partner has unique needs and desires. How they choose to connect emotionally will be different from how you do. Instead of viewing these differences as a source of frustration, see them as opportunities for personal and relational growth.
- Engage Playfully: If you can start having calm, playful conversations where you listen to and respect one another’s differences, a safe, positive connection will feel less challenging. You’ll begin to generate the energy you had at the beginning of your relationship, and the attraction will grow again.
Ultimately, attraction isn’t just about physical connection—it’s about emotional energy, mutual respect, and a willingness to embrace the evolving nature of a loving relationship. With the right mindset and effort, you can rediscover the spark and create a deeper, more meaningful bond.
If you still ask yourself, “Why don’t I fancy my partner anymore?” and want more help, you may wish to explore relationship counselling; please contact us.
Dawn Kaffel