Rob is unmasked…..
Now that so many loyal radio 4 listeners are caught in a notoriously mesmerising web of intrigue that has overwhelmed the Archers, it makes a case for some comparisons with issues that appear regularly in our counselling sessions.
Much has been written about Rob’s domestic abuse towards Helen, but this may be driven by all the classic symptoms of a narcissistic personality that Rob exhibits.
Clients often use this term to describe difficult partners or family members, saying that “they are a bit of a narcissist”, but this is to trivialise and diminish a personality type that, if identified, can severely damage any relationship.
Here’s how to spot a real narcissist
* They need to feel in control, but do it so cleverly that they make those around them feel immensely important and needed. A narcissist needs to be seen as heroic. Rob’s flood rescue is true to type. But if things don’t go their way? Then they become hugely critical and punitive leaving their poor victim searching for a way to make things ‘right’ again. The narcissistic Rob then regains control, Helen the partner is powerless. There’s only one way and it’s the narcissists way.
* They take offence very easily, taking on the role of wounded victim if challenged. This leaves their partner feeling ashamed of having behaved badly, and desperate to make amends and be back in favour. There’s no scope for a safe and creative difference of opinion. Helen’s sense of herself became increasingly shaky and eroded as mirrored by Rob’s need for complete control.
* They have no capacity for genuine gentleness, curiosity or empathy. Because they have created a false self to protect themselves from their own intolerable vulnerability, they can’t recognise this in others. They hide their own fears behind a facade of superiority. There are only two roles in their world – the Emperor or the worm. They can’t even begin to accept their fear that they may be the worm and this causes them to scramble onto the Emperor’s shaky throne, living inside a false self of which they are unaware. Everyone else become the worms. Poor old Kirsty never had a chance.
* They have a first class degree in fakery and can appear immensely seductive, oozing charisma and positively bewitching in their charmingly seductive behaviour, making the others in their aura feel special and lucky to know them and be part of their lives. They are always desperate to come across as clever and unique – it’s vital to them that they are widely admired and will always have to be in control. Even Pat, the Archer’s token feminist, was taken in.
The narcissistic Robs of this world will read this blog but never believe for a moment that it applies to them.
As for the Helens – the only way out is to detach, PDQ.
There’s always a way out of any toxic relationship – walk away, with love if necessary, but get out of there fast before the only way of detaching becomes so violent and hysterical that it involves a kitchen knife and a protracted court case.
Christina Fraser