The endless press about whether to stay in or opt out has an interesting parallel with couples.
How easy it is to assume things with subject matter about which we have little understanding yet very firm opinions. We are driven by many things. We have an inner stance on all sorts of debate which has come from our environmental inheritance, our student period when we take the opposite stance to that which our parents and people in authority teach and by reading whichever newspaper which backs up our shaky knowledge of the real facts.
How many of us challenge ourselves by reading the newspapers which take an opposite stance to our belief? Why are we so afraid to learn another point of view or approach? Why don’t we challenge our views and become more fluid and balanced with our thoughts?
All these things reflect how we operate in our couple. Our views on how things ‘should’ be can become rigid unless we are prepared to listen to our partner’s point of view. Listening and hearing properly leads to debate and learning from our partner even if we hear but don’t agree. To beg to differ.
Some couples express passion through their opposing views on matters of the world which they steadfastly stand by in their otherwise hidden anger. When counselling some couples, I find that if sex is missing, arguments full of passion can be a substitute.
If one or the other alters their viewpoint in order to please the other or to be a little kinder in their approach, the other person will, almost without remembering the stance they took the last time the subject matter was argued over, switch their side of the argument and take the other point of view. This illustrates how necessary the sparring can be within appropriate bounds. The content becomes irrelevant. Perhaps it really is the only intimacy in the couple’s communication.
When reading a press article, we express our shock, horror, pleasure, trivia fascination and despair to anyone listening. If it is a political issue, we become angry at the faceless perpetrator presented by the journalist’s stance on the politics behind the story. We often get rid of our anger about what is exposed in the article. This may be because we have encountered a similar story in our own life.
This highlights the situation when a couple are arguing about something irritating one or the other, and the force behind the row becomes much bigger than the thing which started the row. This is when the irritation ignites a past incident when something similar illustrating a feeling of not being considered, loved, cared for, borne in mind or praised. The buried feeling joins the row in the room and becomes a vent for stored up resentment.
At Coupleworks, we try to explore with the couple less stubborn ways to stick to a viewpoint and look at the intimacy which comes from listening to each other and perhaps even learning from them. Saying, “You have got a point”, can lower the temperature in the room. Debate becomes part of the foundation of a third more eclectic place where the couple can meet and build new respect for each other’s thought process.
Clare Ireland