All over the country in the last few weeks tens of thousands of families have had a child leaving for college or university. For some couples, this is the first child leaving and there is a lot of planning to do for the imminent departure in terms of kitting out their room and preparations for them to live away from home for the first time. If there are other children still living at home or the student remains living with their parents, the change and adjustments are not always as poignant and focussed. When the last child leaves home, however, the empty nest is a reality and this can be a testing time for couples.
For young people it is a rite of passage: leaving home, becoming more self sufficient and resourceful and making their own way in the world – something every parent would want for their child. But for the parents it is a huge adjustment when they begin to change their role in their children’s lives. It is a time of mixed feelings – of joy and excitement, but it can bring loss and loneliness too. The fridge is no longer emptied at the same rate – the house is quieter as it is no longer filled with noisy teenagers – and remains clean and tidier for longer. But how do couples manage this between them? The focus shifts from parenting back to the couple and this can bring about a crisis. Can the relationship survive this increase in time together? It propels couple relationships into a vulnerable phase and there are many couples who aren’t able to make this transition and do separate in the years after their children leave home.
So what can couples do in these first few weeks and months to prevent that happening?
TALK to each other about how they feel about the empty nest – sadness and loss – or a relief?
RECOGNISE and ACCEPT that their feelings might be different and try to understand the other’s experience.
TAKE up a new hobby or interest – try to make the most of the extra time you have
RECONNECT with friends that you haven’t seen for a while
MAKE PLANS for theatre, cinema or weekends away – you may have more flexibility and opportunities – use it.
LET GO – whatever you do don’t hang on to your child in order to fill the gaps in your life and your relationship. Don’t live your life through them.
ALLOW them to become the adults you have wanted them to be and allow yourselves to enter into this new stage in your life and relationship.
Coupleworks see many people coming for couple counselling at this stage in their lives. Often they have neglected their relationship for many years in favour of family activities. Children have covered up gaps and resentments and difficulties that have not been addressed. Counselling can provide an opportunity for these issues to be worked through and a chance to rebuild a connection that may have been lost or stifled.
Sarah Fletcher