We often feel more confident when we know what we want to do and how we can make things happen. We can feel a sense of focus which provides purpose and direction in life.

But we can also feel anxious and disconcerted when things do not go to plan. Feelings of frustration and resentment can arise when people close to us behave differently from the way we expect.

This can be particularly true when we have to adapt to the changes involved in a big life event. Even positive changes take adjustment and become stressful – requiring an emotional resourcefulness that may be hard to find.

A new job, moving house, a new baby can be joyous experiences of our own choosing. But the emotional costs can be hugely underestimated and cause frightening distress and loss of connection in a couple. Arguments can become frequent when our responses and needs are exposed as different – and our expectations of the other are disappointed. We can cling to ideas of how life should be when it is no longer possible. The relationship can quickly get stuck in a repetitive pattern of blame and defensiveness.

And what happens when life throws ‘a curved ball’? Redundancy, illness, bereavement, an affair, can be so unsettling that we scrabble to find the resilience to cope. The trust and security that allowed us to relax in the familiar seems to have disappeared. The tectonic plates have shifted and world is not the same. How do we accommodate and accept the inevitable differences when we feel so vulnerable? Because our trust and belief in a secure base has been so badly shaken, we can fall into denial and resistance.

Coupleworks offers the safe space needed to explore and understand the complexities of a whole new set of circumstances.

Counselling can be a support in the struggle to regain equilibrium and control. It is important to rediscover the potential to deal with the sudden and unexpected, but that needs to be at a pace that is appropriate. There will be a need to be kind and gentle with oneself in order to find the way to make the necessary small steps to recovery. Counselling can help in the discussion when reconsidering plans and priorities and ideas about the future.

Kathy Rees