At the beginning of a relationship there is a developing awareness that we have found someone who fundamentally shares our view on life. Sometimes this person feels like a ‘soul mate’. Perhaps they have the same interests, the same values, and the same outlook. We can feel understood, accepted and known. The connections between us feel strong and we allow ourselves to open up and trust that the world is a safer place.
It can be a happy time when we are wanted both physically and emotionally. In return we are excited by our partner’s body and actual presence. There is security in the closeness and warmth from being cared for. We lean in on each other. The thought that we could share our lives together begins to burgeon.
Over time the relationship develops and matures. Just as on a cinema screen, instead of the close up image, the camera begins to pan out and we see more of the whole picture. Initially we focussed on similarities, but now we become aware of the complexities of our partner. We become painfully aware of differences in personality. We are disconcerted by the pieces in the relationship jigsaw that do not fit so well.
How we manage these differences depends on our personal histories. How did our parents relate to us? How safe and loved did we feel in the family? What is the initial feeling of threat when there is a disagreement? What is the default reaction to threat? If difference suggests conflict and we are conflict averse, we can feel anxious and vulnerable. If difference suggests disapproval then we can become resentful and defensive.
What were our expectations of this relationship? Did we imagine that it would be redemptive and heal past hurts? If so, how do we manage the disappointment that this cannot always be achieved and, at the most, the relationship can only be ‘good enough’.
Quite often we leap to blame the other person for being the disappointment and, naturally, this is rejected as unfair. It is difficult for them to counter a natural instinct for self-preservation if they are confronted with ‘I can only love you if you change’.
However, the fact that ‘the kitchen is in a mess when I need it to be spick and span…’ touches a nerve and sets off a domino effect of anxiety: ‘You are not looking after me and you are not caring for my needs, so maybe you do not love me as much as you say. If I cannot trust in the security of the relationship then I must prepare a defensive counter attack.’ By leaping to conclusions of catastrophe it seems instinctive to then protect ourselves from the projected hurt.
Our default defensive reactions depend on the behaviours that we learned in childhood when feeling vulnerable. Some people withdraw, become distant, go inside themselves, and are no longer emotionally available. When asked, ‘What is the matter?’ they probably reply, ‘Nothing’.
Others protest. They nag, or become bossy, and attempt to change the partner so that they can relax again. Some become angry, critical and attacking – becoming insistent about the need for change.
Unfortunately, such behaviours create an impasse in the couple dynamic. Instead of open channels of communication, connection feels blocked. The withdrawer feels overwhelmed. The pursuer feels adrift. Each feels lost to the other and it can be hard to find the way back.
1. It is important to remember that the similarities, the connections, the good in the relationship, have not disappeared. It is just the focus has changed.
2. It is no one’s fault that there are differences. Our past histories have created each of us as a unique character. We do not have to feel guilty for being different.
3. Do not look to change the other. No one likes to be told they are not good enough, or that they can only be loved if they change.
4. Reframe! Different perspectives and different opinions can open doors and be exciting. Challenge yourself and question your negative interpretation. Analyse why you feel so threatened and unsettled. It is usually the inner child surfacing.
5. Flex your emotional muscle and connect with your emotional resilience. Relocate the adult, competent and creative part of yourself. Look for ways of managing the situation. See it as a joint issue that the couple needs to problem-solve together. Negotiate!
6. Listen non-defensively and compassionately to each other’s explanations rather than be contemptuous or dismissive. Find the curiosity that flowed so easily at the beginning: ‘Tell me more’ and ‘What do you mean?’ and ‘Why do you think that?’ and ‘Why is that important?’
7. Forbid the use of ‘Yes, but…’ or ‘At least …’ as a response.