Couples naturally come into relationships with predetermined expectations, as well as their own unconscious understanding of how a couple ‘should be’. This is usually based on what they experienced growing up with their own parents.
If we grew up with parents who did everything together: be it the shopping, household cleaning or making financial decisions, it would make sense that we might expect the same from our relationship.
Difficulties arise when couples are unable to accept that their partner may have different expectations from their own and when they are unable to accept these differences.
Ways of Working with Different Expectations:
1. Ask yourself, what are your expectations from the relationship and from your partner. Be specific and clear.
2. Enquire where this belief came from, and question whether it is still important in your present relationship or if it’s an old belief system or pattern from the past.
3. Be curious and open about your partner’s expectations and try to accept that they may not be the same as yours.
4. Check in with your body (is your body tensing up?) to see if these differences cause you discomfort? If so, notice the feelings and accept them. When we accept our own feelings we can more easily accept our partners.
5. Talk about issues as and when they come up so resentment doesn’t build up.
6. Trust that your partner is NOT trying to injure you, just reacting from his or her own experience. Trust you are both doing your best and it takes time. Keep with it.
Shirlee Kay