Every couple experiences difference within the couple dynamic.
Cross culture. Religion. Social roots. Same language but different country of origin.
Large family/only child. Involved family/detached family. Intrusive parents/discreet parents. Monied/financially restricted. Generous/cautious. Narcissistic/selfless. Messy/tidy. Large/slim. Neatly dressed/scruffy. Intellectual/emotional. Streetwise/inexperienced. Needy/rejecting. Intimate/withdrawn and many other emotional and management differences.
Couples are initially seduced by the unfamiliar, yet attractive and exciting unknowns. These unknowns are sometimes longed for in an upbringing which feels restrictive or too free in some way. However, when a couple enters the therapeutic arena they may find that the seduction of difference has become the problem.
The work involved will, at first, be searching for ways to respect each others’ difference. Any attempt at changing the other’s ways will be interpreted as, ‘I can only love you if you become like me’.
The early seduction of difference is still an important ingredient of the couple configuration. It may have become polarised and therefore modification may need to be negotiated.
At Coupleworks we explore previously untried compromises and often see a positive shift in the management of difference, leading to respect, real intimacy and adult attachment.
Clare Ireland