One of the things that still surprises me when couples come to me for therapy is the number that say that they never argue. Now if they mean by that that they don’t have flaming rows, throwing things at each other in the style of some soaps, that is one thing – but never to have any arguments, to me that’s something else. As a therapist I find myself asking, ‘What are they doing with their differences?’ and ‘How do they communicate with each other about things they feel deeply about?’
Does their lack of arguments mean that one member of the couple, at least in some areas, always gets their own way? And if that is the case, is the result that the other one builds up considerable resentment from, as they see it, always needing to concede? Very often as we work together in relationship therapy, there comes a point where the log jam is broken and that resentment spills out in all kinds of angry ways. On the surface that can feel like an end to the relationship. In reality it can often be the start of a journey to a much deeper healing.
Other couples talk much more freely about their differences and the areas that they find particularly difficult to handle. Some of these can be worked on and a new mid-point can sometimes be found. But not all differences are susceptible to finding a compromise position.
With the General Election coming up political views are very much to the fore and couples may find themselves voting in very different ways. But it is not just politics that can divide. Cultural assumptions; religion; or the lack of it; wider relationships, both within and beyond the wider family – all these and many other things can produce differences that are fundamentally irreconcilable.
So, what can couples do with them. Well, let me give you my five top tips for handling deep differences in a relationship.
- Recognise what you are dealing with. Acknowledge to yourselves that these are major differences that may well not have any easy resolution – you can’t just hope that your partner will see your point of view. To get to that point requires careful listening on both sides. Agreeing to disagree can be designated an ‘easy option’ but truly agreeing to disagree needs to be recognized for what it is – something that carries pain on both sides.
- Despite the fact that you fundamentally disagree with your partner treat them with respect and value them and love them for the person they are. Mary Lathrap’s poem, with its famous line encouraging the reader to ‘Take the time to walk a mile in his moccasins’ applies to all relationships and to couples especially.
- Show that while you may disagree with their beliefs, you value the fact that they are sincerely held, and that they matter to them. Don’t rubbish them or keep on saying how yours are better – that way lie the tank traps of non- communication and intransigence.
- More generally follow the 80\20 rule or, as I prefer to reframe it, the 90\10 one. In your relationship seek to affirm your partner 90% of the time and limit your criticisms to 10% – if that.
- Be patient, but don’t let things build up. Much better to recognize differences early on rather than letting things build up over weeks, months, years. Yes, choose your time carefully when to raise them, but don’t let them fester unnecessarily.
And given the fact that no two people are the same, take the time to enjoy the differences between you. That way relationships can go deeper and last longer than pretending to yourselves that you never argue.
Sarah Fletcher