‘COME TOGETHER: THE SCIENCE (AND ART!) OF CREATING LASTING SEXUAL CONNECTIONS’
Emily Nagoski (2024)
- BOOK REVIEW
Since it was first published a few years ago, I have often recommended Emily Nagoski’s book on women’s sexuality: “Come As You Are’.
(You can read a review of that book in the blog ‘Coupleworks Counselling, Difference and Sex’)
So I was interested to read her newly-published book, ‘Come Together’, in which she explores how a couple in a long relationship can maintain a healthy sex life.
- THERE IS AN EBB AND FLOW IN ALL SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS
However, couples can still get anxious when their own lovemaking becomes less frequent, even though there may be a very good reason for a waning of the erotic spark.
There can be a detrimental effect when one or both partners is managing a long period of an unhappy emotional state such as grief, depression, or anxiety.
Poor health, exhaustion, loss, menopause, insomnia, and work stress can have a distressing impact on confidence, energy, and one’s sense of wellbeing.
Unexpected life events like redundancy – but even those that are joyous and exciting, such as the birth of a new child or moving house – can prove challenging and create a feeling of insecurity and uncertainty that requires readjustments that deplete emotional resources.
As a result, any couple can unexpectedly find themselves troubled by a persistent sexual ‘dry spell’, often at a time when they need each other the most. It can be unsettling and disorientating and the couple can struggle to regain their past intimacy.
- THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATING
Nagoski says that, as well as using the more familiar physical strategies like sensate focus,talking to one another is a powerful and effective method of reconnection.
Yet, ironically, we can find it awkward and difficult to talk about sex with the very person with whom we are the closest, and who is one of few people who sees us naked and vulnerable.
Sex therapist Ian Kerner, author of ‘She Comes First’, explains that tuning in, communicating with the intention of listening and understanding, is at the heart of keeping a sexual relationship alive. But he also understands it is not always easy.
Frequently there is a fear that feelings will be hurt if we explain our needs, or that it will be difficult to avoid blaming and accusatory language, or that a discussion will not be managed safely.
However, with positive acknowledgements and a loving warm response to a bid for connection, with a soft and intentional ‘turning towards’, it is possible to relax, reassure, explore and discuss.
Couples may fear criticism or the risk of conflict but, by showing compassion and deliberately cultivating an attitude of openness and curiosity, it is possible to jointly engage in the co-creation of a mutually satisfying sexual relationship, and jointly make decisions about what works for each of them personally, and what kind of sexual life they want as a couple.
- COUNSELLING
Often a couple will look for the support of a counsellor and the therapists in Coupleworks can vouch for the benefits offered by the safe space of the therapy room.
Arranging an appointment also sends a strong message to one another that each is committed to reconnecting and negotiating for change.
- THE DECISION TO PRIORITISE
It is so easy to put our heads in the sand and hope for the best, but Nagoski argues that prioritizing and exploring our relationship dynamics can be healing and liberating and is usually not as difficult as we may imagine.
She uses the analogy of starting a car. Can a couple agree to start the engine and put the car in gear? Can they follow up with the why, and in which ways, they are keeping a foot firmly on the brakes when they could actually start to move forward by gently pressing the accelerator.
- EXPLORING EXPECTATIONS AND BELIEFS
She also highlights the importance of managing expectations about sex. We can unconsciously absorb and be influenced by the messages that come from family and childhood and from the outside world. We can unthinkingly accept the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘oughts’ about how and when and how often.
Nagoski stresses that sex is not all about performance, or novelty, or orgasms, but about pleasure and enjoyment. She recommends we challenge our assumptions of what we think sex should be; and challenge beliefs that it ought to be instant, easy and exciting.
- “PLEASURE IS THE MEASURE”
In any relationship it is not so much about how often you have sex but how you design and enjoy the sex you are having.
It is all too easy for couples in long relationships to develop somewhat inflexible behavior habits and get trapped repeating a fixed sexual script.
Though, of course, this kind of lovemaking can also be warm and reassuring and offer comfort and safety as well as joy and pleasure, there is also the chance that the relationship can get stuck and routine.
It may be time to question the belief that sex must have a particular pattern and that it must unfold in a particular way.
There may be an assumption that it involves a proscribed kind of foreplay and penetrative intercourse. But what if this, for a variety of reasons, no longer suits?
- SEX CAN CHANGE AND EVOLVE OVER A LIFETIME
Sex may need to accommodate a disability, or ageing, or a medical condition or there may simply be a change of preferences. Some couples may grow to find more sexual satisfaction from oral sex, or from mutual masturbation, or from many different kinds of bodily touch.
Some women for a variety of reasons find vaginal sex painful or not enjoyable. Many gay men choose not to have anal sex. Only a small percentage of women orgasm from penetration alone and it is possible to enjoy and find satisfaction in sex in many other ways.
Dr Kerner suggests thinking more about ‘outercourse’ with the focus being on touch – however that is understood and enjoyed.
- WHAT TO DO
It can be a powerful exercise for a couple to write their own personal special sexual script where pleasure and intimacy is at the heart.
Nagoski suggests turning up the dial by taking time to include playfulness, flirting, affectionate touch and erotic messages outside the usual set sexual encounter. “Sexual arousal is the process of turning on the ‘ons’.”
[Of course, there is always a need to be mindful of when it is not the right time, and the need to manage a ‘no’ with sensitivity – otherwise it can become another ‘foot on the brake’.]
But it is also about ‘turning off the offs’ and deciding together to eliminate as many of the ‘brakes’ as possible – the barriers and inconveniences that create problems. Keep the room a good temperature. Take a shower together first. Perhaps put a lock on the bedroom door and keep out pets and children and mobile phones. Keep lubricants and sex toys near to hand.
- DESIRE
Understanding the difference between spontaneous desire (which is a response to a particular trigger) and responsive desire (which is a response to particular mental or physical stimuli) is particularly important and Nagoski is an advocate for the planning and scheduling of sex.
She argues for the place of anticipation in sexual relationships in the same way one would prepare for a first date, or prepare for a special occasion, or prepare and cook a delicious meal.
Pleasure happens under specific circumstances and is context driven.
Modern day lives can be tough and it can be unreasonable to maintain the goal of ‘spontaneous’ sex. To switch from the stresses of an ‘everyday’ state of mind and make an instantaneous transition to a ‘sexy’ state of mind may inevitably lead to disappointment.
“When you replace the goal of spontaneous desire with the goal of pleasure…there is a new and attainable target.”
- MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICE
“The day you were born, the world had a choice about what to teach you about your body. It could have taught you to live with confidence and joy inside your body. It could have taught you that your body and your sexuality are beautiful gifts. But often the world taught you to feel critical and dissatisfied with your sexuality and your body. You were taught to value and expect something from your sexuality… that does not match with who you are. You were told a story about what would happen in your sexual life… that contained falsehoods…” (Nagoski)
Her message is that a loving couple can choose to be free from such ‘bogus cultural standards and false narratives’ and together discover and create the contexts that generate their own blueprint of pleasure and desire.
Also of interest:
1. Ted Talk: ‘The keys to a happier, healthier sex life’
2. Big Think: Sex in 3 Places: Your brain, your bedroom, and in society’
Kathy Rees