‘And I don’t know if I’m being foolish
Don’t know if I’m being wise’
(John Paul Young)
It’s that time of year again when images of red hearts abound and many words are written about what is meant by ‘the perfect relationship’.
Some believe in love at first sight and navigate relationships using intuition and gut reaction.
Matthew Parris is quoted in The Times as believing in friendship, not passion: ‘there is ‘no such thing as The One … You make yourself The One for somebody, and he you’ over time.
Others feel that sharing interests develops and deepens connection and encourages feelings of being known, embraced and accepted.
Some seek to create a cosy unchallenging safe environment in which intimacy thrives. Yet others crave excitement, adventure and thrills.
We often hear of descriptions like ‘Mr Right’, ‘my soul mate’, ‘my one and only’.
However, the widely held myth of the existence of a perfect relationship made in heaven, can create an expectation that is destined to lead to disappointment and failure.
Perhaps we need to question whether we should really feel so let down by a partner; and wonder whether it is us who have the wrong picture of love.
Kira Newman writes in her blog (How Relationship Satisfaction Changes across a Lifetime): ‘The desire for an ideal partner who meets all our needs may come face to face with the reality of a fallible person who cannot be everything to us.’
And an article by The School of Life suggests that: ‘In love, rather than being heralded as perfect, it is a great deal more reassuring, and therefore romantic, to be recognised as deeply flawed – and on that basis, deserving of boundless tenderness and patience.’
Yet, despite all the possible potential disappointments, we repeatedly find ourselves longing for story book romance and the ‘happy-ever-after’ ending. We measure our partner against a set of fantasy ideals and it is hard to unhook ourselves from the grip of such deeply embedded beliefs.
Randy Gunther, in his article on the ‘Myths about a Perfect Relationship’, exposes the unhelpful messages contained within them.
- Myth 1: Love is like a fairy tale
While magical moments can happen, this denies the mundanity and struggle of life. Also, the reality that we do not always manage well when dealing with stress. There will be times when we will not be our best selves when we are thoughtless or selfish or insensitive or rude or preoccupied and do not meet the needs of our partner. There will be times when we lose our way and will need to turn again towards each other and make repair and recommit to the relationship. And perfect the art of apology.
- Myth 2: Perfect compatibility
The times when we enjoy synchronicity are wonderful, but we also need to engage with the struggle and difficulty that comes with the reality of our differences. We love a partner for being them, for who they are, and yet so often we strive to change them to be more like us. When change is resisted, requests can often sour into demands, criticism, accusation and blame. An alternative is for the couple to foster understanding, compassion and acceptance, and perhaps at times ‘agree to disagree’.
- Myth 3: Partners share the same priorities
‘The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.’ We all benefit from another’s individual appetites, needs, ambitions. We are enriched and energised by an interest we do not share. We all focus to differing degrees on aspects of life that give us drive and excitement e.g. social activities, work, sex, family, creativity. No one person can fulfil all the needs of another so creating the freedom to grow as an individual within the commitment of being a couple is an ongoing task.
- Myth 4: Perfect relationships avoid conflict
This denies the reality that every individual will be affected by, and have unique responses to, situations they meet in life. We cannot predict how we will be affected by such enormous events as a pandemic, bereavement, the birth of children, job loss, work stress, ill health, wider family demands. We can be challenged by different needs relating to such things as money, sex, home. Discussions around how to manage conflict and how to quickly go about repairing any rupture are essential.
Perhaps the aim of attunementis more important than agreement– and requires us to practise active listening and conflict resolution.
- Myth 5: There is no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM’
And yet the ‘I’ needs to co-exist alongside the ‘We’ so that individual strengths and skills are celebrated. Can the couple create the flexibility, trust and confidence to allow one partner to step back and the other to step up and be team captain at times? Can they make concessions to one another with fairness and respect?
Quite often we are quick to promote the concept of universalrelationship essentials. But, as well as honourable core values such as kindness and respect, our views about a good relationship often develop in a random fashion. They are rooted in our own lived personal history. We gather a hotch-potch of beliefs collected over the years from our family of origin, from social media, from movies or literature, from past sibling, friendship or romantic relationships. These can settle into a set of core beliefs that, without challenge, can become a set of dangerously fixed limitingbeliefs. We can become so attached to our own convictions that we feel confused and threatened by opposing views. We begin to think in terms of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, ‘good’ and ‘bad’.
(It was Omar Sharif who commented that ‘The problem with ‘black and white’ thinking is that you never get to see the rainbow.’)
We can find ourselves unsettled and conflicted by a partner’s different, sometimes alien, outlook. Doggedly resolute in our beliefs, we find it difficult to concede that we are perhaps working within an unhelpful system of what love ‘should’ be. Perhaps those concepts which served us well at one time, in a previous lifetime, could now be outdated. It could be worth questioning whether we have outgrown parts of this belief system. It could be time to adapt and stretch and reconsider. Blow away the cobwebs perhaps.
What the Valentine’s Day articles do, if only once a year, is offer us the opportunity to check and reflect on what we hold to be reasonable relationship expectations.
Similarly, counselling gives time and space for a couple to deepen the discussion and carefully explore the basis of their particular unique relationship. Where do they disagree? What are the unaddressed sensitive issues? What has become ‘awkward?’ How can they avoid stuck behaviour patterns? What changes do they need to address?
We tend to cling to certainty and can be unsettled by change. But no human being is a fixed entity. The therapist Linda Berman describes each person as a fluid process, like a flowing river. And, as the saying goes, we cannot jump in the same river twice. No matter how much we cling to the fantasy that all should remain the same, we are never the same, and change is inevitable.
The renowned therapist, Carl Rogers, understood people to be ‘a continually changing constellation of potentialities – not a fixed quantity of traits.’
But, as well as disconcerting, it is wonderfully liberating and enriching to know that life is not the same today as it was yesterday. Although it takes conscious effort and energy, each day offers us the opportunity to embrace something different.
Relationships change. Which is why therapists are often heard to say we need to keep ‘working’ on a relationship for the full duration.
Comforting as it is, ‘taking for granted’ only goes so far, and can lead to corroding complacency.
You will also hear therapists recommending ‘date nights’ and ‘state of the union’ discussions in order to keep a couple’s emotional bank account topped up, up-to-date, and healthy.
The first paragraph of the book ‘Eight Dates’ by John & Julie Gottman states,
‘Every great love story is a never-ending conversation. From the first tentative questions we ask as we get to know one another, to the nail-biting discussions of trust and commitment, to the most profound heart-to-heart explorations of our love, our pain, and our dreams, it is the quality of our questions and our answers that allow us to continue learning and growing with one another through the years’
Kathy Rees