How many decisions do you think we average per day?
Stop and think for a moment, before being completely sideswiped by the result which is an eye watering …….
35,000 DECISIONS PER DAY
Apparently about 227 of these are food related which is comforting when remembering the advert in which a small girl had to choose which she loved more, Daddy or Chips.
Some of these choices are immediate and fun, others more tedious and confusing.
Some are absolutely agonising and could affect our whole future.
The ping of an email or a coincidental recommendation can induce us to make a life judgement around a college or work placement or a home relocation, setting us on a path that could steer our options for a lifetime.
On this premise we can factor in The Butterfly Effect where a tiny, seemingly meaningless, action, distraction or the decision not to attend an event or scrolling past a ‘match’ on your phone could perhaps result in missing a vital opportunity. Who knows?
Too much choice is actually counterproductive.
In The Jam Experiment, psychologists offered participants a shelf with 24 kinds of jam, then later the same shelf held 6. No surprises to learn that highest sales came from the simplified retail experience.
Decisions can leave us feeling overwhelmed or paralysed by overthinking and then the fear kicks in that maybe we can make a bad or wrong choice.
Suzy Welch has formulated the 10-10-10 tool.
Check it out online for more details, but basically consider the impact of the moment. Will this decision matter in 10 minutes, 10 months or 10 years?
So, we can just about cope if it’s about jam or chips, and by understanding that the relationships or experiences we didn’t have by choosing a particular job or settling in particular location will never be know to us.
Thus we can only imagine and therefore ruminate about the path less travelled by that choice not taken.
As relationship counsellors, we at Coupleworks are experienced at understanding and being involved in the presented problems brought by clients whose relationships can potentially be dramatically altered, or even ended, by a huge rethink or change of direction driven by one half to the apparent detriment of the other.
Couples don’t always need to gaze into each other’s eyes, but they do need to be looking in the same direction.
When ‘to be or not to be’ is the traditional soliloquy rather than a shared option, a couple can hit the rocks bigtime.
Now comes the shattering of the illusion that 2 had become 1
Much healthier than a fused couple life is a 2 with a strong individual sense of self.
But when the 2 have a totally different sense of their life goals and directions, then things can become agonising.
This is where facts and emotions can collide, and in this debate it’s usually impossible to find a compromise. We aren’t here to complete each other, we are here to accept each other. But what happens when opinions are so diverse that this is impossible?
The most common dilemmas brought to counselling usually revolve around having a baby or a subsequent child or children
Emigration can also be a real predicament especially if one half has roots in one country and the other is firmly attached elsewhere.
But the most common plight is the huge crossroad of either continuing the relationship or separating, which when not a shared conclusión, can leave one client looking firmly in the opposite direction to their partner.
Sometimes couples come to try and talk this out in the safe space offered by the therapeutic process, with the added incentive that a third will help facilitate clarity and fairness without offering any opinion.
Most counsellors will sense immediately if one has secretly made up their mind and thinks that using therapy will soften the inevitable crisis.
Sadly there is no change without loss, and this can be a bitter and intensely sad blow.
The indecision expressed by this classic song is a capsule expression of a complex and desperate dilemma
The Clash – Should I Stay or Should I Go (Official Audio)
By trying to pass the control over to his lover he is diluting his sense of self, a small comfort in the short term, but sadly there’s no resolve.
‘This indecision’s killing me’
‘If I go there will be trouble
If I stay it will be double’
Regretfully we shall never know if he stayed or went, but The Clash illustrate here that human nature indicates that our biggest fear is doing the wrong thing and that later in life we may regret our choices.
Surveys constantly prove that it’s the things we didn’t do that are the most mourned and wished for.
Couples in crisis, where one feels they have come to the end while the other yearns to stay and work at the relationship are among the most painful and sad that we, as therapists, deal with.
There are no clever theories or answers as the end of a long and loving connection is a kind of bereavement – especially if children and extended families get involved.
We can only offer a thoughtful reflective space to help them both. This can be a bitterly hard decision to face.
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference and living with apathy is a sad and lonely path.
A debate can often offer up not just a right and wrong option, but if there’s no third way, no compromise then it’s time to stop procrastinating and make a decision in the kindest way possible.
Christina Fraser