Archive for self-esteem

The Importance of Fathers Day

After the election chaos, the atrocities of the London bombings and yesterdays fire disaster in Grenfell Tower, Fathers Day on Sunday comes as a welcome relief. A celebration first observed in Washington in 1910 to honour fathers and father figures, step fathers, grandfathers and fathers in law. Many families go to great efforts to make special plans, send messages, cards and gifts, to celebrate fatherhood up and down the country.

Fathers’ day provides an opportunity for children to express their love and respect for their fathers’ and acknowledge the important role they play which strengthens the father child bond. However it can also be a time of mixed emotions where there may be an absent father or one who is only seen occasionally. Other male role models may be more reliable and present than the real father.

In our counselling rooms Fathers’ Day gives clients an opportunity to think of the significance of fathers in their lives and perhaps take time out to remember fathers if they are no longer around.

The role of father is often relegated to secondary status compared to a mother. But a father is just as important for a child as a mother is. However research shows that fathers are engaged in caretaking than ever before due to mothers working, longer hours, and there is more recognition of the importance the role of a father plays in family life

Role of fathers
Children depend on a father for emotional physical financial and social wellbeing. For daughters a father is the first man they love and for sons a father is the man they aspire to.
Fathers are central to the emotional well-being of their children. Having an affectionate supportive and involved father can contribute greatly to a child’s language and social development, self-confidence, academic achievement and positive opinions of men.

What a father means to his daughter
A fathers ‘influence on his daughters life shapes her confidence, and her self-esteem and sets an example to her about men.
In her book Women and their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic impact of the First Man in your Life, Victoria Secunda suggests that those women who grow up with a remote and aloof father and do not feel affirmed by their father, tend to respond to men in their lives like they responded to their elusive father: they seek out the intimacy they didn’t receive from their father, but are unable to believe they can trust their partners to deliver.
Working as a counsellor I see many clients of both sexes whose sense of worth as an individual is rooted in their experience of their fathers. How some re-enact their struggles with their fathers onto their adult partners and how having an absent father can remain such a significant influence.

What a father means to his son
The father-son relationship can be complex. Boys tend to model themselves on their fathers. They look for their fathers’ approval in everything they do. They copy those behaviours that they recognise. Boys who have an actively involved father tend to develop securely with a strong sense of self.

If a father is loving and supportive, boys will want to be that and if fathers are controlling, and dominating those could be patterns that boys take into their adult relationships.

So on this Fathers’ Day, especially after the turmoil of the last few weeks take this opportunity to recognise and reward fathers for being there and playing an important role in your lives. Fathers’ need to feel they are special too!

Dawn Kaffel

To have and to hold

To have and to hold or to have, love and let go, which is the question?

The questions presented are both applicable to either relationships or parents and children.

 To have and to hold is to be avoided if possible in both areas.  To hold a partner is stifling and controlling.  Both sides of a relationship need to branch out into their own interests, friendships and groups in order to fertilise the ongoing partnership and avoid the pitfall of familiarity and boredom.  The outside life can be brought back within in discussion, sharing friendships and attending each other’s groups from time to time.  Trust has to be present in order to achieve this.

 With parents and children it is tempting to hold in subtle ways and not fully let go.  The letting go has to come gently from parents first and though often painful in the process. The adult children will begin to stand alone and form their own identity through learning how to deal with difficult issues and unhappiness. Solving problems will increase self-esteem as they take up the reins of their own adult life.

The Challenges in finding a Healthy Work/Life Balance: Work

ONE:  When we focus on work…

  • • We can often prioritise the demands made by work over the demands emanating from relationships. There can be a disproportionate focus on job over family.
  • • The requirements of the job seem more straightforward, more clearly defined and more easily understood. We list the assignments and achieve the deadlines and, as a result, receive a reassuring sense of competency. There can be a satisfying confirmation of our identity and role in the world.
  • • Feeling in control, being task-orientated, receiving positive feedback from colleagues, can stave off a susceptibility to insecurity and anxiety.
  • • Work can increase our confidence and self-esteem, and soothe a fear of failure; particularly if we have a tendency to feel ‘not-good-enough’
  • • In addition, the time and energy expended is difficult for a partner to challenge when it is justified in terms of earning money and developing a career.