Archive for listening

Mental Health and the Couple

To launch Mental Health Awareness Week 2019 The Duke of Cambridge has teamed up with stars from TV and Music to record the Mental Health Minute.  The theme behind this year’s minute is to highlight the importance of listening. Just by taking a minute to stop and really listen has the power to make a real difference to our mental well -being.

At Coupleworks we often see relationships under considerable strain but when a partner is suffering with mental illness the stress of coping is very challenging and can often reach crisis level and destroy the relationship.  

Anxiety and Depression are the most common causes of mental illness and these can be episodic or long-term

Managing the illness becomes the preoccupation of the relationship and often attention is focused mainly on the person with the diagnosis leaving the healthy partner to cope alone.  

In my work as a couples’ therapist I have witnessed the curative effects that a healthy relationship can have on a partner struggling with mental illness.  On the other hand long-term relationship stress can negatively affect a partners mental health and can make things considerably worse for a partner already struggling with mental illness.

It’s important to remember that there are two partners in a relationship and that your own wellbeing and needs are just as important as those of your partner

Mental illness does not have to destroy a relationship.  There are many ways to maintain a healthy loving relationship despite the obvious challenges.

Show Support

Reassure your partner that you are there for them and love them. Often in our efforts to “make things better” its hard to get the balance right.  There is a tendency to either ignore the symptoms in the hope they will go away or to take over and do everything you can for your partner to fix the problem

Take time to talk

Try to be empathic and really listen to how life feels for your partner.  Don’t dismiss their feelings.  Conversations about how you can improve things together and what changes you can both make offers hope and are more helpful than simply dwelling on the problems.

Educate yourself

Although mental health issues are being talked about so much more openly, there are still many people who are ashamed, confused and misinformed about mental illness, the symptoms and treatment options.  Finding out as much information about the condition is important for both partners as you work and support each other through this time

Finding the right help

Partners cannot be therapists for their spouse – it is too demanding and not appropriate.  Your role is to provide love and support and to engage with finding  the right professional help.  It can often be very challenging and shaming for a partner to accept they are suffering with a mental illness and need help. Willingness to take responsibility to manage their own illness and treatment plan because they understand how their illness affects you and those close to you is an important step towards recovery.

Finding Individual and Couples Therapy

Individual therapy can help process difficult feelings in a safe environment in a way that will help the couple and the individual communicate and understand yourselves and each other better.

As a partner of someone with a mental health condition, there are often negative feelings such as anger, frustration and hate that can be overwhelming.  Couples 

Counselling can help give meaning and understanding to these complex dynamics.

Looking after self

Feeling that you have to handle everything is natural but how you look after yourself is not a selfish luxury but an absolute necessity.  If you can’t look after yourself, you are not going to be able to look after another. Often the pressure to keep it all going can feel overwhelming.

Important areas to consider are boundaries – what you can reasonably give your partner in terms of time, energy, advice and emotion and what you can’t.  Discussing this with your partner is vital.  Having clear, consistent and manageable boundaries is your way of working to look after yourself because you care and are there for your partner.  This also means your partner has to take charge of their emotional wellbeing too.

Its important to remember that in all relationships there are periods of difficulties and drama that can overshadow everything.  When a partner is going though a mental illness it can be a major challenge that can threaten to destabilize the strongest union.  Challenges are a life force for a relationship and if we stop and listen, and have the right tools in place we can ensure a happier more successful relationship. 

Dawn Kaffel

Communication: it comes in many forms

Some time ago Coupleworks decided to set up a Twitter account and it has been a fascinating experience. We were curious and proceeded cautiously – wondering whether anything worthwhile could come from a message limited by 140 characters. But we now follow over a thousand, carefully selected, accounts and have been struck by the depth and diversity of ideas and opinions. Our focus is ‘relationships’ and a link can lead to a challenging or thought-provoking article, an interesting blog, or a review of a book that we might have missed.

But surprisingly, perhaps, just couple of sentences can have an impact too. A tweet can cause us to pause to reflect on an opinion; or stop to check in on our state of mind. It can allow for a brief emotional MOT when, usually, busy lives don’t offer much time for introspection. Sometimes a pertinent tweet can register, catch our attention, and act as a signpost for action or a change. Many messages, apparently simple and throwaway, have a sub-text that stays and resonates.

By posting ourselves, and retweeting things we find interesting, our hope is to challenge assumptions, initiate a conversation, and trigger interest in the possibilities of counselling to continue the discussion.

Looking through our recent history I have picked out a few examples that may be worthy of consideration:

1. A relationship ‘is two people trying to dance a duet, and two solos, at the same time’.
2. Don’t ‘hit below the belt’. Harsh, critical, and unkind words can stick and damage trust in a relationship. Manage your responses when you are angry or stay quiet until you feel calmer.
3. Criticism is a really poor way of asking for change. Make a request.
4. We have a tendency ‘to want the other person to be the finished product while we give ourselves the grace to evolve’.
5. We long for intuitive understanding – but so does our partner. This requires each to express genuine interest and be prepared to really listen.
6. Don’t just blame – negotiate and find a remedy. Problems are not solved by just complaining.
7. Be curious not judgemental. The situation is probably much more complex than you imagine. Go below the surface and find out more.
8. We expect a ‘good relationship’ to mean ‘it should just happen’ or ‘it should be easy’. In fact it needs constant care and attention. We need to be adept at noticing when change is required – and the ability to be flexible in adapting.
9. A strong relationship requires ‘two people to choose to love each other even on days when they struggle to like each other’. It needs both to choose to stay on the same team and choose not become at logger-heads.
10. We can get stuck in behaviour patterns and repeat the same responses to situations even though we know they don’t work and they lead to the same conflict.
11. Small positive changes have a way of morphing into significant generous gestures.
12. Find the humour. It’s impossible to laugh and remain defended.

With the recognition that issues often deserve deeper exploration, the counselling room can be a place which offers the safety and space for talking and listening. In a supportive counselling environment, a couple can unravel and accept the complexities of their relationship, understand the needs of their partner, and allow hurts to be repaired. It’s all about communication!

Kathy Rees

Present giving between partners.

If money is no object or every penny counts, getting present giving right is tenuous at best… an accident waiting to happen at worst.

Trust comes into the equation of giving.  Defined as: care–duty–hope–assurance and expectation, trust is paramount but so often precarious, tentative and uncertain.

Money is often referred to as ‘means’.  An interesting definition.  What does money mean?

The successful present is not about monetary value, it is about listening throughout the year.  Hearing, not telling or knowing.

Listening, perhaps the greatest gift in a couple’s demonstration of intimacy and being placed as number one to each other, is about taking notice,hanging on words, pricking up your ears and remembering.

Often in the consulting room, money becomes a representation of unspoken yet deeply felt hurts/joys, anger/pleasure, resentments/closeness, rejection/inclusion and other opposites.

Presents given with love rather than apology, showing power, conscience ridden or a bribe will be cherished for life.  Car boot sales are full of present disasters.  The trained eye, however,  will spot one given with love, buy it and feel the aura of a loving couple’s history. The feeling will then spread to an unknown source.  This, in turn will become part of a chain of listeners and lovers.

The most revealing programme of late about lasting couples was about how similiar the selected couples were –  despite privilege and entitlement for some and hardship and struggling for others.  Both put family, home, understanding by listening and kindness at the head of their priority lists.  Duty and hard work is a by-product of these needs.

One of the few times the Queen has been seen to shed a public tear was at the decommissioning of The Royal Yacht Britannia. The only place when not on official business the couple could really be off duty. As near to ordinary as possible. Even in their carefully chosen furniture and possessions on board, a more ordinary and less opulent existence was apparent.

The more cocooned money makes couples, it can, at the same time rob them of awareness about and trust in the other.

A simple paperback book, picture, gadget, tool etc seen and admired by a partner from January onwards, may be the most intimate and loving present to turn up on 25th December or at a birthday or anniversary.  Hints will be dropped along the way.  Listen, take note and file them in your mind for the next present giving day.

Clare Ireland.

Rubber stamping.

 

 

When couples come in for the first time there are one or two common questions which they ask.  How many sessions will they need and how long will it take are both very familiar to me.

This is very helpful in terms of trying to listen and hear their story and how they perceive themselves.  It seems an obvious and necessary question but it tells me many things.  Some of which might be a clue as to their couple’s sense of self.  The couple being the third client in the room.

Do they see their partnership as unique or do they see themselves within the couple as they hope others will see them?  Do they realise how valuable they both are and how precious their couple is?  They have built it by themselves and formed it into many shapes and sizes to fit their story.  It is all their own work, not a copy of other couples or a ‘normal’ couple.  There is no rubber stamping of a  couple.  It is their couple and the shape of it is how they formed the way to be together, often with great difficulty.

I tell them this right at the beginning so we can refer back to that question and see how the answer changes as a result of what we are all learning about their couple.  Some, feeling under pressure to change quickly, find this hard to bear.  With time, however, and with careful listening and hearing each other we all begin to understand how much is invested in their case..

Following the start of the work when the questions were asked they begin to value themselves in a much more personal way.  We learn how they have negotiated, compromised and tolerated the difficulties they have encountered and how each individual has found it intimate to carefully wend their way through the difficult episodes they encounter.  At the beginning when things became unmanageable they felt compromise  might be a sacrifice and loss of a part of themselves.

As we journey week by week through their ups and downs, we are all surprised by either the length of time or by the little time it has taken to arrive at a more manageable place.

I marvel at the ability of two people coming in, sometimes in despair, reaching a place where they feel closer and how they get in touch again with the origins of why they chose each other at the beginning.

Clare Ireland

The Value of Knowing We Can Be Wrong

I was reading an article in the Times this weekend about Intellectual Humility and people’s willingness to accept the possibility that their beliefs and attitudes might be wrong.

Research shows that “At the high end of the trait are people who recognise their beliefs are fallible and are willing to consider the possibility that they are incorrect”.
“At the low end of the trait, people are generally convinced that their views are correct”. Saying this, most of us lie somewhere in between.

Although I am sure the article is written with Donald Trump in mind, it started me thinking about the difficulty most couples have in accepting different points of view from that of their partner’s.

Couples in therapy often spend too much time arguing their point rather than accepting and listening to each other. Many of my clients talk about needing to be heard by their partner. The desire to be listened to and understood is the foundation of a strong and loving relationship and helps a person feel valued and respected.

Here are some tips for healthy Intelligent Humility:

Listen to your partner. Go into the discussion with an open mind and before interrupting, listen and mirror (say) back what you think you heard. Ask your partner if this is what they meant and listen further if there’s more. Not an easy task and requires the patience of a saint.

Do not assume you know what is about to be said. Clear your mind before coming up with your own narrative. Again, this takes patience and requires a lot of breathing!

Be curious and lean into the understanding that there is not only one-way of seeing an issue. Ask questions and ask yourself about where you might have learned these views, reflect on whether these views are still useful.

Have compassion towards your own feelings and argue your views but do it with sympathy and an open mind.
Remember, we can feel triggered and therefore defensive when we are up against a different point of view so move forward gently.

Shirlee Kay