Why choose to be both a couple and one to one therapist?
In my experience, the endless examples of human interaction between a couple are a privilege to witness. Working with couples is challenging yet rewarding.
The challenge lies in three people in the room. The dance of the trio has intricate steps, each movement becoming either harmonious or out of step.
With two people in the room, the therapist and client – the story told has to be imagined and believed as the client’s sense of self and history which can be an edited version of fact. This is not lying, rather it is the client’s inner story; their version of who they are and why. Working to resolve their difficulties is also rewarding yet it often feels there is a missing link. There is often a couple of some sort in the individual’s story, yet the other half is absent in the one to one space.
When a couple is present they challenge each other, often argumentative and critical. The therapist has to listen to what is being said to be able to mediate and gently translate what is heard into an acceptable and working interaction between two people.
Anger arising from desperation, loss of connection and resentment dance around the room. The therapist waits for an opening to inject a hitherto lost but still there memory of why each person chose the other in the first place.
I find asking each person to think about five things they want in their couple in order to co-habit in love and tolerance. This helps to create the dance of intimacy which they feel is lost. I ask them to write them down between sessions and without sharing them, bring them to the next session.
I look at them first and usually there are at least three similar things both want. The ones they feel are impossible are the reasons for seeking therapy. We work together to find a way to manage these difficulties which enables more interaction and harmony. Neither have to sacrifice a part of themselves, but understanding each other more, they try to manage the disparities and accept them.
It takes time and patience to form a workable liaison bringing back lost respect, tolerance, love and acceptance of difference.
Most importantly, the difference can be slowly seen as a benefit. It may have been difference which was a large slice of the original attraction. We use this valuable ingredient to re-couple the lost connection and see it as a healing tool to lower their defences and react to each other in a different way.