Archive for hurt

How to Cope when your Ex Moves on to a New Relationship

The American sitcom, Modern Family, makes separation and divorce look easy. The characters seamlessly move from one relationship to another, and the actors all appear to accept the ever-moving changes without seemingly registering any of them. Perhaps the clue here is the ‘the actors’. In real life, it’s not that simple!

I was speaking to a client about his ex-wife being in a new relationship. He told me how difficult it has been to see her so happy. What bothered him was her apparent ease at moving on and his fear was that she would have a new family and wipe out all the years they’d spent together. Feelings of anger at the way she finished their relationship quickly surfaced and he was left wounded and bruised by the whole experience.

When couple’s split up, there are endless issues to contend with. These range from the practical to the deeper emotions that surface – sooner or later. Many people find, that after the dust has settled and they finally feel more confident and secure within themselves that when their partners move on to new relationships, difficult feelings start to emerge all over again – sometimes far stronger than after the initial break-up.

When our partner moves into a new relationship, this is when we begin to feel that we’ve been left behind, and the narrative begins: “I will always be alone, and I hate him/her/ them”. When we focus on these thoughts, we forget to feel what’s really going on for us. Learning to stay with hurt and loss is how we heal and how we can then build our inner resources to let go and move forward.

At Coupleworks, we work with clients to try and normalise thoughts of loss and the difficult feelings that come with the end of a relationship. We work with clients to teach them that it is permissible to accept feelings that come up without judgment. It’s a process that takes time but, in my experience, clients do find their way out of the dark and start to make sense of the loss of the relationship and start to accept that their partner has moved on and so will they.

Tips on how to let go of relationships:

1. Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings that come up. These feelings can range from profound sadness to intense anger towards your partner.
2. Talk to people you trust: friends, parents or a therapist.
3. Go to couple’s therapy for a few sessions to put closure to the relationship and clarify any unresolved issues that might still be going on between the two of you.
4. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you won’t always feel the way you do now. There is a future.
5. Remember that your relationship was meaningful at one time, just because it’s over doesn’t mean it was a waste of time.
6. There is no time limit to how long it takes to get over a relationship.

Shirlee Kay

Adult trust

Trust is often aligned to unease about a possible affair.  But there are many other areas of trust which also cause disappointment, hurt, anger and a sense of unfairness and let down.

How much can you really trust yourself in any unforeseen circumstance however adamant you feel about how you would react to the test.

Rescuing the child in the burning house.

Never tell a lie.

Never flirt outside the couple.

Never steal anything or be economical with the truth.

Never put your partner down in a group.

Never talk down to a child. Never under any circumstance have an affair.The degree you can trust your partner is only equal to the degree you can trust yourself.

Some tips on how to understand each other’s idea of trust in order to avoid unnecessary misunderstanding and the build up of resentment.If you are expecting something from your partner, ask yourself first, ‘Could I or would I do that for them’?

Try to think about the truth in this mindset: ‘I want you to love me unreservedly, care for me, understand me, never put me down, never humiliate me in company, always tolerate my difficult side, make love to me when I feel like it, etc.  But, I am not sure I could do the same for you’.

Talk to each other about what you need from your partner and tell them what you can do for them and what you would find difficult.  Then negotiate.

Sharing these concepts between you during good moments can boost your feelings of safety and trust together and this will aid the resolution following an affair or other serious breaking of trust issues and make way for less feelings of abandonment and loss.

Clare Ireland