Archive for expectations

Can Long Distance Relationships Work for Couples

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Since the start of the new year it has been noticeable how many more clients are requesting counselling sessions via three- way Skype (the couple are in two different places) or trying to arrange face to face sessions weeks in advance for the few hours or days that they know they are going to be together.

There are many reasons why couples find themselves in long distance relationships and it appears that the geographical distance is often seen as the reason why these relationships can be so problematic.
It is often suggested that long distance relationships (LDR) are less happy and satisfying and bring more difficulties and problems than couples’ that are geographically close. In fact recent studies show that those couples that have a strong emotional connection will function better with distance than those couples who are in a regular relationship and lack emotional connection. Only today I heard a couple describe their 30-year marriage as very lonely and emotionally disconnected despite having worked and lived together for so long.

What is it like for a couple to be in a long distance relationship?

Choosing to be in a long distance relationship can be tough and challenging and is often not a choice that is taken lightly. Long distance relationships can be short in duration or go on for years. In some cases it is not a choice but a necessity due to work commitments, job enhancement, opportunities, family commitments etc.
What is clear is that we can often find ourselves in long distance relationships without realizing the huge amount of patience and understanding being in one requires.

Here are some crucial points that clients bring to their counselling sessions that they have found useful to think about:
*The need for a very solid base to a relationship when you are long distance. To feel you can be open, honest and trusting with each other is vital in order to be able to manage the difficulties that you will encounter.
*Be prepared to work harder on your relationship than if you were together. Don’t take things for granted and show each other respect for the roles you find yourselves in.
* Feel confident in sharing any insecurities or shaky times you may have with each other
*Make sure you take time out to work out together the best way and times to communicate even if you are in different time zones. Make each other feel you are interested in what they are doing and care about them even when you are miles apart?
*The importance of knowing when you will next see each other and to take time planning where that might be and what you will do.
* Having a schedule for when you text, skype or call is essential. Checking that whichever mode of contact it is it works for both of you. It’s often easier to get caught up in text messages than take a risk and spend time talking on the phone.
*The pressure of being together again and what are your expectations? Do you spend all your precious time together or do you use the time to catch up with friends? Do you have close family who also expect to see you? If there is often a lot of pressure to feel the time you have together has to be “perfect” this will bound to lead to massive disappointment.
*Do you tend to put off talking about difficult things because you don’t want to end up rowing but then get resentful that you don’t feel that close?
*When you finally meet up knowing you are going to be apart again, don’t waste precious time fretting about the impending good-bye as this will prevent you enjoying every precious moment you have with each other.
*Always make time to check in with how you are both managing with the distance itself. At times it will feel manageable and at other times not. What’s important is you feel you can be honest with each other about how you feel otherwise this can build up into resentment.

So yes long distance relationships can be challenging but certainly with closer communication and shared understanding, couples can make it work
“Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful; its for the bold.
Its for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love”

Dawn Kaffel

Tips for surviving Christmas

The mince pies have been in the shops for months, the war of Christmas adverts has begun and soon we will be in full swing. But Christmas comes with mixed emotions for many, the pressure of presents, food and family. For couples with young children there is the excitement and anticipation of nativity plays, Father Christmas and the like. Whilst at the other end of the scale there may be questions about who spends Christmas with you or who you spend Christmas with. And then there is the fact that many millions of people will be very lonely this Christmas. One of the things we notice at Coupleworks is the increase in enquiries that we get after the Christmas break. The reality is that these 10 days put pressure on relationships.

So here are some ideas of how to survive the run up to Christmas.

1. Talk to each other about expectations of how the holiday period will go especially when you come from family backgrounds that celebrate it very differently.
2. LISTEN to what your partner says and take it seriously.
3. Identify key pressure points and make a plan of how to prepare for them.
4. Make sure that you are doing some nice things for yourself and that it’s not all about what you will be doing for others.
5. Be realistic about what you expect and hope for from having more time together.
6. Don’t feel that you are personally responsible for making it ‘the best Christmas ever’ – others have their roles to play as well – and remember it is ok for it to be ‘good enough’.
7. Be aware that reducing your inhibitions through alcohol can be a mixed blessing.

So – plan your campaign carefully and you could find that it builds relationships rather than damaging them.

Sarah Fletcher

Couples on holiday.

Before taking time to think about what you hope for on a holiday, try to align your expectations to how you are as a couple at home.  Most couples are having to compromise, acknowledge and deal with difference, communicate feelings without paying a price and think about what early experiences are triggering between the couple and becoming familiar arguments without resolution.  A holiday will be the same two people with the same personalities having more couple time than at home.

Beyond the first couple of days in a holiday location when everything is different the same issues when buttons are pressed, resurface.  Make allowances for the 24/7 exposure to each other. Even if you both work at home…there will be boundaries about space, intrusion and needs.

Descending into disagreements can happen quickly in an unfamiliar place.  It is interesting to note that the ‘dream holiday’ is often seen as experiencing exciting and romantic new ways together.  Yet one of the common anxieties on holiday is about something wrong with accommodation or food or unaccustomed noise.  So while longing for change from everyday life at home, the unfamiliarity can become a trigger for a row.

Both people are different, have different ideas, needs and anxieties, usually rooted somewhere before they met.  This will always be the case and it will be inflammatory to try and change each other.  The romantic and intimate thing would be to celebrate the difference.

A few common things to discuss before setting off may be useful.  This illustrates how people approach situations in their own unique way.

On time for travel with extra time for calm.

or

Running to departure as the doors are closing.

 

Queuing at check out with luggage to cover every need and eventuality.

or

Preferring to travel with a small carry on pack and boarding pass.

 

Chilling on a beach, dipping in and out of the water with a good book.

or

Needing to do ‘stuff’, see buildings and see everything educational in the area.

 

Planning meals in restaurants and wiling away the day in between.

or

Wanting simple salads in the evening and enjoying a picnic lunch.

Flights, trains and encountering traffic during car journeys are all beyond your control.  This common fear needs to be handled by sharing the unknown as a couple and not as an individual.  Both sides can then feel taken care of and less agitated.

A survey in 2016 said that 60% of couples questioned admit to fighting on holiday and shattering the dream.  The advice given was to try and mirror your contact at home.  Don’t feel the need to be glued together.  Do some separate daytime pursuits, discussed the day before and meet later to eat together and discuss your day

The holiday arena is only a minefield of disappointments if there is no discussion beforehand about different expectations.

These are only a few suggestions to help towards harmony and growth of intimacy for the ongoing couple.

Adding the energy of small children,  teenage and parental usage of mobile devices to the mix would be enough copy for another blog.  In the Christmas holidays, where previous blogs have covered the skill needed to make a family Christmas go somewhere near to everyone in the groups’ expectations, there are more suggestions for helping the dream to happen.

Clare Ireland

Tips for surviving Christmas

The mince pies have been in the shops for months, the war of Christmas adverts has begun and soon we will be in full swing. But Christmas comes with mixed emotions for many, the pressure of presents, food and family. For couples with young children there is the excitement and anticipation of nativity plays, Father Christmas and the like. Whilst at the other end of the scale there may be questions about who spends Christmas with you or who you spend Christmas with. And then there is the fact that many millions of people will be very lonely this Christmas. One of the things we notice at Coupleworks is the increase in enquiries that we get after the Christmas break. The reality is that these 10 days put pressure on relationships.

So here are some ideas of how to survive the run up to Christmas.

1. Talk to each other about expectations of how the holiday period will go especially when you come from family backgrounds that celebrate it very differently.
2. LISTEN to what your partner says and take it seriously.
3. Identify key pressure points and make a plan of how to prepare for them.
4. Make sure that you are doing some nice things for yourself and that it’s not all about what you will be doing for others.
5. Be realistic about what you expect and hope for from having more time together.
6. Don’t feel that you are personally responsible for making it ‘the best Christmas ever’ – others have their roles to play as well – and remember it is ok for it to be ‘good enough’.
7. Be aware that reducing your inhibitions through alcohol can be a mixed blessing.

So – plan your campaign carefully and you could find that it builds relationships rather than damaging them.

Sarah Fletcher

Summer Holidays and How to Survive Them

It’s no coincident that couple therapists get a wave of phone calls before and after the summer holiday season. Anxiety levels increase and tempers flare just planning the holiday. We often find ourselves overloaded with work and commitments, leaving us exhausted before we even step on to the plane or into our cars. So how can we prepare to turn our holiday expectations into realistic ones, which will leave us feeling relaxed and enriched.

We spend the winter thinking about our summer holiday: where shall we go, where shall we stay, what will we do? We dream of how relaxing it will be and how much fun we are going to have. Yet, the reality can be very different. Spending time with our other half every minute of every day is often challenging and can sometimes be more than disappointing.

Groundwork:
Deciding with your partner where to go starts with being clear about the kind of holiday you want. If you want a city holiday and your partner wants a beach holiday, for instance, there is no point in giving in, it will only cause resentment. Don’t be a martyr. Negotiate and compromise and see your partner’s point of view, this will give you both the opportunity to get at least some of the holiday you’re looking for.

Slow down:
Take care to slow down before leaving. Have early nights, that proposal can wait until morning. Eat well and exercise regularly to keep balanced. Don’t over commit with friends or take on extra work just before your trip. It will only stress you out.

Details:
Spontaneity is not helpful when travelling. The better prepared you are the more seamless and less anxious your experience will be. Do your research: Book reasonable times to depart and arrive at your destination so you are relaxed not exhausted. Don’t take that 5.45am flight to Istanbul or arrive bang in the middle of a New York rush hour. Doing packing at the last minute while searching for misplaced travel documents are also not recommended. Being well organized helps to lower stress levels and allows us to start our holiday on an even keel.

Your Trip:
Remember, this is an opportunity to let go and spend time with each other without the pressures of work and daily commitments. It’s also a time when things that need to be addressed and have been ignored tend to come out between couple. Agree to limit your discussion to issues that aren’t historically explosive and only when you haven’t been drinking.
Turn off your phone and IPad when together and agree to be present with one another and listen to your partner. This is a great opportunity to remember why you fell in love with them in the first place.

Hopefully, now you won’t come home from your holiday needing another one to recover from it! Have a wonderful trip.

Shirlee Kay