Archive for denial

Denial versus exposure.

Joint denial in a couple is difficult to work with unless there is a facility for long term work.

More often in the consulting room, I find one person is in denial and the other tells all. This is a common cause of irritation on both sides.

Often, I hear, ‘ You are so buttoned up and economical with the truth when we are ‘out’, while the other is saying, ‘Why do you become so dramatic about our life. It is our private business and no one needs to know the real story’. The reality lies somewhere in the middle of both positions.

For a couple dealing with this disparity, it is helpful to know where the resistance comes from on the denial side and where the need to ‘let it all out’ on the other side originated.

One partner may feel as if there is a huge price to pay if the real story of family life behind closed doors is shared with others. Did the family of origin lay down unspoken rules about, “we are the perfect couple and family?” No need for neighbours to know our business.

The other partner may say, “I need people to know it is tough, When I share things with others they feel able to share their own difficult stories”. The sharing of life scenarios and stumbling blocks opens up the feeling of not being alone. Not being the only one to make that mistake or encounter that problem. The sense of others in the same boat is both healing and strengthening. Suspicion about and the reality of, an affair, money issues, different moral points of view can lead to all kinds of feelings about rejection, abandonment and resentment. Not being on each others’ side. Not watching the partner’s back.

Clients sometimes describe their couple as so different that they feel as if they come from different countries and cultures when the reality is that they possibly lived in the same street and went to the same schools.

When all these challenging differences between a couple bring them into Coupleworks, it is necessary for the couple and therapist to gently uncover the triggers which lead to estrangement. I try to encourage both to express how it feels when the other seems to cut the thread of intimacy and join another tribe. Trying not to place blame but using the positive, not negative, energy of underlying anger to fuel better hearing mechanisms leading to clearer understanding.

Questions such as: ‘It seems that what has just been said was really painful to you and I wonder what memories came into your head?’ Are there other voices with ‘should’ and ‘ought’ being said to you by others from your earlier story before meeting your partner? What and who is also is in the room when you argue?

This can slow down the anger and hurt in the room and give pause for thought.  Sharing a healing process can be intimate and helpful taking the couple towards better management of the malignant roundabout of accusation and denial.

Clare Ireland

Coping with Grief and Loss

‘I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it when I sorry most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.’

Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote these words in response to the sudden death of his friend Arthur Hallam. But it does not need a death to trigger grief – the break up of a relationship; unrequited love; missed opportunities; the abuse of trust – each in their own way results in grief and loss. At Coupleworks helping our clients to begin to process these feelings is part of our work.

Almost 50 years ago Elizabeth Kubler Ross frustrated by the lack of studies on grief, and inspired by her work with terminally ill patients, described the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. She was also concerned to underline that not everyone who is grieving will go through all the stages and the stages may not be in that order. Everyone’s grief is his or her own and there is no right way of experiencing it, nor can you predict how intense it will be. However they remain a useful tool to help people see that what they are experiencing is normal and natural and accepting this can be very helpful.

The 5 stages of grief:

Denial: in this stage the individual is trying to deny their loss, they can’t believe it is happening to them, they feel as if it is a mistake. If the loss is sudden and unexpected then sometimes there may be numbness like waiting to wake up from a bad dream – all will be better tomorrow but it isn’t.

Anger: The intense reality of the pain can feel too much as the denial stage wears off, but a way of avoiding that pain is for the individual to look for someone to blame. It can be themselves for not doing something or being there or directing it to others.

Bargaining: Here the characteristic phrase is ‘If only….’ I had done this or been there then it might not have happened. This is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability, to feel as though despite what has happened we still have some control.

Depression: what is the point of going on? I can’t be bothered any more…. The feeling of sadness and pain just seems so overwhelming, and ordinary things that we enjoyed previously feel mundane.

Acceptance: this is the final stage and not everyone reaches it. It is the point of beginning to come through the grief – a gradual reinvesting of energy into life. There is an adjustment and acceptance that life can go on even without our loved one or those lost hopes.

Sometimes it can feel like the pain is never ending but time can heal and things may eventually become more bearable. We can find ways of living with the loss.

A few tips to help you cope and keep going….

1. Allow yourself to feel sad and express and release your feelings. Don’t be afraid to cry – it is better than bottling up your feelings.
2. Look after yourself – don’t forget to take exercise even if that is going for a walk.
3. Sleep if you can and have a regular bedtime.
4. Avoid drink and drugs that temporarily dull the pain – you will only feel worse afterwards.
5. Plan ahead for grief triggers such as anniversaries or special reminders.
6. Find support and don’t be afraid to talk to family and friends
7. Counselling can be helpful to talk your feelings through and have a space to share the pain.

And perhaps hold on to those words of Tennyson, however difficult it may be to believe them – still less to feel them. ‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all’

Sarah Fletcher

Living with alcoholism in a family

It is impossible not to be affected in some way if you are living in a family with an alcohol dependent member. The negative effects will touch everyone around a problem drinker.

  •  Living with chaos and unpredictability are the main effects on families, but alcoholism can go unrecognised as relatives and friends make excuses to themselves and others, and bury their fears rather than facing them.
  •  Denial is usually the first defence of an alcoholic, and the distorted thinking around the problem makes it virtually impossible for family members to apply logical strategies to try and help the person concerned. Dependency becomes a shameful and secretive business, and the family may collude with this – hoping the problem will disappear until often only a crisis will force change.
  •  Research shows that for every alcoholic, there are between four and nine people directly impacted by their disease. Those ‘supporting’ a drinker can only look at their own part in all this, which can be enormously painful.  Beginning to look at their own behaviour may be tough, but until other family members start to draw back from their involvement, they can only become embroiled in the situation.
  •  The decision to stop drinking can only ever be made by the person concerned. But by withdrawing and starting to take care of themselves, those around the alcoholic can put the problem squarely back where it belongs. The option to look directly at the core of the situation, however, can only be taken by the one with the dependency.  It’s their decision only and must be driven by their motivation for change.
  •  We cannot change another, but we can change ourselves and how we respond to them. This, in turn, may affect the way they deal with themselves and their drinking.

Christina Fraser