All sexual relationships can change over time and be affected by so many different circumstances: a critical relationship dynamic, an affair, medication, the distress of infertility, stress at work, loss of libido, health issues, ageing, low self-esteem, menopause, poor body image, pregnancy, or the arrival of children. Even the closest of couples can sometimes find it difficult to talk about their changing sexual needs. Sometimes we actually do not know how we feel ourselves, let alone explain to our partners. Couples, who otherwise talk freely, can curiously find themselves uncertain about expressing themselves. They can be anxious and nervous about offending or hurting their partner, or feel embarrassed and shy of the topic.
The counsellors in Coupleworks see many couples relieved to find a calm and supportive space in which to have the kind of relaxed conversations about sex that can lead to understanding, closeness and renewed intimacy.
Having a counsellor in the room who encourages each partner to listen, understand, and be non-judgemental, means the couple can begin to speak openly and share their feelings.
In the meantime the following questions may help you both to start communicating about sex:
– How do you feel about talking about our sexual relationship? Do you find it difficult to talk openly? What can I do to make the conversation easier? Are there some moments that are better than others?
– Some say their sexual experiences are dependent on feelings. Do you need to feel close to me in order to want sex? When do you feel closest to me? Do you remember a particularly romantic occasion? What was it that made it special for you? What did you feel? What can I do to encourage that feeling of closeness now?
– What do you like about my body? What do you like best about your body?
– What, for you, is the difference between making love and having sex?
– Do you think we have a different sex drive? How can we manage differences in desire?
– What do you feel about looking into each other’s eyes, touching, hugs, cuddles, spooning, caressing, kissing, caressing? What don’t you like so much?
– Sex in a long relationship often needs to be premeditated and prioritised. Foreplay can start a long time before making love and be an accumulative number of small gestures. What foreplay do you like best?
– Are there times you would enjoy a spontaneous ‘quickie’? When could that be? What circumstances would allow it to happen?
– How do you feel about inviting or being the initiator? What kind of love talk makes you smile and engage in idea of sex?
– Arousal starts in the brain. What kind of situations, interactions, do you find erotic and arousing? Is a long or short arousal stage best for you? Do you enjoy the ‘simmer’ or can you go ‘off the boil’? What can I do to improve feelings of arousal for you?
– Do you feel ‘performance anxiety’ at times? Are there things I can do to ease that pressure and make you feel more relaxed and confident?
It’s good to talk!