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Mind the Age Gap

Getting back into work after the summer break is always a varied and an interesting time. Some couples feel the break has been far too long and can’t wait to resume their weekly sessions.  Other couples feel the summer break has been good for their relationship and decide to end their sessions. It is often a time to reflect and be curious as to what new clients may present at an initial session.

Interestingly a theme that has already presented is – navigating couple relationships when there is a big age difference of over 15-25 years?

Traditionally these relationships have been the subject of many clichés – ‘It’s a mid-life crisis’, ‘toy boy’, ‘old enough to be your mother/father’, she’s only after his money’.  Now due to more celebrity relationships being in the public eye age-gap relationships are more common and acceptable and not always regarded as negative and suspicious!

Before beginning a relationship with someone much younger or older it’s important to consider your motivations.  Someone who dates an older person may be seeking a more parental figure than a romantic partner. They may be firmly established in a career and will be able to provide financial security. 

Someone who dates a younger person may be seeking more fun and excitement in their lives plus the sexual connection is more energising and exciting.

Does Age Matter?

Research suggests that the success of a relationship depends on the extent to which partners share values, beliefs and goals, trust and support each other and if there is a strong physical and sexual attraction.  These factors have little to do with age.  It is acknowledged that as long as couples can communicate and work at their relationship, age should not pose a barrier.

Make sure your values, morals and life goals match up.  That doesn’t mean they have to be the same but to understand where the other is on these issues and to be able to work on them together.

However what brings age-gap couples into therapy is often they are at a very different stage in their relationship where the age gap appears to be more significant and they are finding it very difficult to talk about how they feel and start to behave very differently with each other.  This starts to make the relationship feel insecure.

Issues that present in age gap relationships and questions we should ask each other:

Do we share future goals, where and how we live?

Do we want a family?

Do we fit in with each other’s family and friends?

How does it feel to be the older and more mature of the couple?  

How does if feel to be the younger and more of the caretaker?

Does it feel as if the relationship is equal and one partner doesn’t hold power over the other?

At the start of the relationship, the age gap can feel exciting and something couples don’t make a big deal of.  It’s often after many years of being together that cracks can start to appear. 

An older partner can slow down and have less energy for the younger partner.  They may be happier spending more time at home than previously.  The younger partner starts to feel resentful and can decide to lead a separate social life, not wanting to be a carer and no longer showing much interest in sex.  This in turn triggers feelings of anxiety in the older partner who feels he may be rejected for a younger model.

Alternatively a younger partner may be wanting to start a family of her own but now realises this is not what her older partner now wants to engage with as he already has a previous family and does not want to start again with a young baby.

Having said all this, the age-gap shouldn’t become the total focus of your relationship.  Sometimes unnecessary dwelling on this can turn things negative when they don’t need to be.  Whenever there is conflict we tend to go to our vulnerable spots, which in this case may be the age difference, but it might not actually be the issue at all. 

Taking time out to understand these feelings is vital to maintain a successful relationship.  Each partner needs to understand themselves as well as understanding their partner and what they need to keep any relationship alive and growing.

Its good to remember:

“When you truly love someone, age doesn’t matter, whether it is a difference of 2 years or 30 years, 

Love is Love.”

Dawn Kaffel

Talking in tongues.

Lack of communication is a phrase I hear a lot when seeing a couple for the first time.  In many cases, this is followed by, “there is no sex in our relationship any more”.

This indicates the possibility that words, phrases and sentences are an important part of seduction.  At the onset of a relationship, words are carefully chosen, seductive, kind, caring and appreciative.  As normal life sets in, these words can slowly become critical, punitive, complaining, judgemental and even cruel.  It can hardly be believed that the same two people who set out on a couple fit have suddenly become ugly and punishing.

How does this happen and why does lack of sex follow in its wake?

Wanting to please the other, becomes wanting to change their disappointing bits and what seems to be a drive to make them the same as yourself.  Sex with self carries no mystery and gives only partial relief and satisfaction.  For sex to be shared and safe there needs to be admiration, tolerance and acceptance of each other.  An understanding which good communication can encourage rather than exacerbate feelings of dislike and low libido.

Without an invisible message flowing to and fro through loving words the desire found at the start of the couple life can become toxic and negative sowing the seed of dislike and estrangement.

How can two people retrieve the early electricity when life and its ups and downs have become part of normal couple and family life.  Often the two adults become other children in the mix to be disciplined, taught and punished as if they too were being prepared for life in the world.  This increases the disparity between them and a sense of dissatisfaction and let down becomes the aura in the atmosphere.

Where are the people who seemed so perfect to each other?  Where is the sexual satisfaction which seemed so natural and easy before?  These things are still there  but have to surface again by penetrating through the resentment and criticism .  They need praise, admiration, listening, accepting difference and celebrating it without needing to convert.  A certain mystery has to be maintained by avoiding being each other’s therapist and feeling love can only be maintained by being changed.

Some different ways to communicate can be tried:

Take some seconds to monitor your own words before they escape.  Are they reacting or responding.

Think about why you are saying them and have they helped in previous angry exchanges.  Try to rephrase them with a different tone and facial expression.  Be careful of body language.

It will be impossible to be heard if these words are spoken to punish, used as a post mortem or as an attack.

Keep ‘you’ out of the sentence and speak about yourself and how what has just happened makes you feel.

Ask for tolerance while you work out why your feelings are so painful.

Come back to the topic when both of you have used an internal camera instead of a long angle lens.

 

Clare Ireland.

What cats can teach couples

I was speaking to clients about their cats the other day and the more anecdotes they told about them the more it occurred to me that cats live their lives very much on their own terms. I have two Burmese cats, myself, and they do indeed navigate their lives seamlessly. I thought, how much we can learn from them.

CATS GET WHAT THEY WANT:
Cats use their instincts and don’t tend to overthink things.
Their bodies tell them when they are hungry, when they are cold, when they want affection and when they don’t. There is no second-guessing, anxiety or guilt with them. When they want something they ask directly (quite loudly and forcibly, sometimes) for what they need. They can be charming with their requests and know when to back off when their needs are not forthcoming.

Couples, on the other hand, complicate their lives by not being clear what their needs are, they tend not communicate clearly and are often left feeling disappointed with the end results. This usually leads to blaming their partners and the relationship can become entangled in ways that are unconstructive.

CATS FIGHT AND GET OVER IT:
I often watch my cats fight over space, food or attention. They can be vicious with one another but somehow they are able to let this go and recognise that their kitty friend might just be irritated and reacting badly in the moment. In other words, cats don’t create a drama or a story about who hissed first or swiped out with a paw. They don’t hold on, they let go. When it’s over, it’s over, and they get back to curling up with one another and purring.

At Coupleworks, we see couples struggling to accept that sometimes their relationships aren’t purrfect (sorry, couldn’t resist). They hold on to incidents, they don’t let go and end up forgetting all the good that they do have together.

By taking a lesson from these seemingly simple cats, we can learn to normalise the ups and downs of our own relationships. By letting go and relaxing into a more gentle way of being with one another creates the potential of finding the kitten in your partner rather than seeing the pitbull.

I appreciate that cats aren’t human and I certainly don’t mean to simplify our own human relationships or condone abusive relationships; but this tongue in cheek cat analogy, is to point out that our feline friends can give us much food for thought about our own relationships.

Cat Advice:
*Be clear about your needs.
*Communicate those needs to your partner.
*Don’t create a story when there is no story.
*Accept your partner for their flaws
*Curl up and purr with your partner.

Shirlee Kay