Lack of communication is a phrase I hear a lot when seeing a couple for the first time. In many cases, this is followed by, “there is no sex in our relationship any more”.
This indicates the possibility that words, phrases and sentences are an important part of seduction. At the onset of a relationship, words are carefully chosen, seductive, kind, caring and appreciative. As normal life sets in, these words can slowly become critical, punitive, complaining, judgemental and even cruel. It can hardly be believed that the same two people who set out on a couple fit have suddenly become ugly and punishing.
How does this happen and why does lack of sex follow in its wake?
Wanting to please the other, becomes wanting to change their disappointing bits and what seems to be a drive to make them the same as yourself. Sex with self carries no mystery and gives only partial relief and satisfaction. For sex to be shared and safe there needs to be admiration, tolerance and acceptance of each other. An understanding which good communication can encourage rather than exacerbate feelings of dislike and low libido.
Without an invisible message flowing to and fro through loving words the desire found at the start of the couple life can become toxic and negative sowing the seed of dislike and estrangement.
How can two people retrieve the early electricity when life and its ups and downs have become part of normal couple and family life. Often the two adults become other children in the mix to be disciplined, taught and punished as if they too were being prepared for life in the world. This increases the disparity between them and a sense of dissatisfaction and let down becomes the aura in the atmosphere.
Where are the people who seemed so perfect to each other? Where is the sexual satisfaction which seemed so natural and easy before? These things are still there but have to surface again by penetrating through the resentment and criticism . They need praise, admiration, listening, accepting difference and celebrating it without needing to convert. A certain mystery has to be maintained by avoiding being each other’s therapist and feeling love can only be maintained by being changed.
Some different ways to communicate can be tried:
Take some seconds to monitor your own words before they escape. Are they reacting or responding.
Think about why you are saying them and have they helped in previous angry exchanges. Try to rephrase them with a different tone and facial expression. Be careful of body language.
It will be impossible to be heard if these words are spoken to punish, used as a post mortem or as an attack.
Keep ‘you’ out of the sentence and speak about yourself and how what has just happened makes you feel.
Ask for tolerance while you work out why your feelings are so painful.
Come back to the topic when both of you have used an internal camera instead of a long angle lens.