Archive for arousal

OMGYes – breaking the taboo of female sexuality

In my work as a psychosexual therapist I am always on the look out for new articles, books or websites that might be useful for clients in their journey to improve their sexual relationship. The area of women’s sexual pleasure has always been a rather taboo subject. It has been much less well researched and written about than men’s with the result that it has remained shrouded in secrecy, if not shame.

When clients first come to sex therapy we look at their individual sexual histories; this includes exploring areas such as how they found out about sex, what sexual messages they were given in their early life, any religious and cultural influences, and any experiences of inappropriate sexual advances or sexual abuse. Part of this history taking is also about talking through their own feelings about their bodies. Many women grow up feeling less positive about their own genitals than other parts of their bodies. This can lead to insecurity about their own sexuality and also a lack of sexual responsiveness.

One of the great new websites that I have come across recently and which clients have been talking about is called OMGYes.com.

It has been on the web for a couple of years now but was picked up the media when Emma Watson, the Harry Potter star, described it in this way
‘ I wish it had been around longer. Definitely check it out, it’s an expensive subscription but it’s worth it.’

The founders of this site collaborated with researchers from Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute, to interview and do a large scale study on sexual techniques that lead to greater pleasure with 2000 women, aged between 18 and 95. This resulted in 62 short, down to earth videos, and also interviews with ordinary women talking about different techniques for sexual pleasure. There are also11 interactive videos that you can use with a touch screen to ‘practice’ your techniques.

I think what is so helpful about this site is that it really gives specific instructions and techniques to help women with their arousal. Although very explicit in that the videos show women masturbating, it is not in the least pornographic; in fact it is educational and fun. The messages are all portrayed honestly and with no shame and that helps to break down the barrier that women’s sexual pleasure is something shameful and that they should keep quiet about.

Whilst the main aim of the site is to give insight to women and break down the taboo of women’s pleasure, it also offers insight to both men and couples. In my therapeutic work I find that increasing knowledge of the body’s capacity for sensual and sexual pleasure enhances a sexual relationship. As the OMGYes site states

‘Couples who constantly explore new ways to increase pleasure are 5 times more likely to be happier in their relationships and 12 times more likely to be sexually satisfied’

Clients I have worked with have found it really helpful (and no I am not getting paid to write this!). At £29 for a one off subscription it can be money very well spent.

Sarah Fletcher

Couples and Conversations about Sex

All sexual relationships can change over time and be affected by so many different circumstances: a critical relationship dynamic, an affair, medication, the distress of infertility, stress at work, loss of libido, health issues, ageing, low self-esteem, menopause, poor body image, pregnancy, or the arrival of children. Even the closest of couples can sometimes find it difficult to talk about their changing sexual needs. Sometimes we actually do not know how we feel ourselves, let alone explain to our partners. Couples, who otherwise talk freely, can curiously find themselves uncertain about expressing themselves. They can be anxious and nervous about offending or hurting their partner, or feel embarrassed and shy of the topic.

The counsellors in Coupleworks see many couples relieved to find a calm and supportive space in which to have the kind of relaxed conversations about sex that can lead to understanding, closeness and renewed intimacy.

Having a counsellor in the room who encourages each partner to listen, understand, and be non-judgemental, means the couple can begin to speak openly and share their feelings.

In the meantime the following questions may help you both to start communicating about sex:

– How do you feel about talking about our sexual relationship? Do you find it difficult to talk openly? What can I do to make the conversation easier? Are there some moments that are better than others?
– Some say their sexual experiences are dependent on feelings. Do you need to feel close to me in order to want sex? When do you feel closest to me? Do you remember a particularly romantic occasion? What was it that made it special for you? What did you feel? What can I do to encourage that feeling of closeness now?
– What do you like about my body? What do you like best about your body?
– What, for you, is the difference between making love and having sex?
– Do you think we have a different sex drive? How can we manage differences in desire?
– What do you feel about looking into each other’s eyes, touching, hugs, cuddles, spooning, caressing, kissing, caressing? What don’t you like so much?
– Sex in a long relationship often needs to be premeditated and prioritised. Foreplay can start a long time before making love and be an accumulative number of small gestures. What foreplay do you like best?
– Are there times you would enjoy a spontaneous ‘quickie’? When could that be? What circumstances would allow it to happen?
– How do you feel about inviting or being the initiator? What kind of love talk makes you smile and engage in idea of sex?
– Arousal starts in the brain. What kind of situations, interactions, do you find erotic and arousing? Is a long or short arousal stage best for you? Do you enjoy the ‘simmer’ or can you go ‘off the boil’? What can I do to improve feelings of arousal for you?
– Do you feel ‘performance anxiety’ at times? Are there things I can do to ease that pressure and make you feel more relaxed and confident?

It’s good to talk!

Kathy Rees