Archive for Pre-marital Counselling

Wedding Season

It’s wedding season and there are thousands of newspaper articles, magazines and blogs advising couples on how to plan the perfect wedding.
Most couples focus on the big day but neglect the bigger question of what they’re expecting from their marriage. Couples would be wise to invest time and energy
in their marriage as well as their wedding day because the day will pass but the marriage, hopefully, will last a very long time.

More and more couples are finding it helpful to have counselling before their big day. Taking time to invest in a relationship’s future enables a couple to move into marriage with their eyes wide open. It allows them to ask the hard questions before tying the knot. Exploring issues both in the present and anticipating those that might pop up in the future, gives couples a better understanding in communicating clearly with each other as they begin their lives together.

Some questions couple might be asking themselves before entering into marriage are:

1. What is communication like right now?
2. When conflict arises how do we address issues together?
3. What are our expectations for the future?
4. How will finances be managed together?
5. Are sexual expectations compatible?
6. Have children and parenting ever been discussed?
7. What are the roles in the marriage going to be?
8. Are your lifestyles compatible?
9. How do you visualise your lives in the future?

If these questions are difficult to talk about, perhaps taking time to have a few sessions with a couples therapist can help address these concerns and provide the best possible start for a new marriage.

Shirlee Kay

Couples and Marriage

Over the next few weeks thousands of weddings, both of heterosexual and same sex couples, will be taking place up and down the country. The summer has been the most popular time to get married for many decades and with the British weather, that’s unlikely to change.

But what has changed is how people view their wedding day. Until around the 1970’s what was widely held to be the norm was that marriage provided the gateway to the whole experience of living together and sharing a single home. But the large majority of couples today have already been living together for some years before they tie the knot. So what is it that they see themselves doing? In my experience, most couples feel they have reached a point where they can take the risk of declaring to themselves and to others that they wish to be married. Of course other factors can be in play. They may want to provide what they see as a more secure base to have children. Sometimes too there is a hope that marriage will resolve problems in a relationship that already exist. But for most, getting married is a statement that their relationship is now sufficiently permanent to celebrate and give ongoing stability to.

They also think that the ceremony itself won’t make any difference to their day-to-day relationship and are often surprised to find tensions and difficulties surfacing. The reasons for this are often complex. For some making the public commitment proves to be profoundly unsettling, triggering memories and unconscious feelings of their own family experiences. The net result is that they are taken aback that at the point when they announce stability they feel de-stablised.

Therapy offers a place to talk through expectations, to explore and understand what might have been triggered and to work through these disappointments. This gives couples the opportunity they need to confront the reality that there is no end point to growth in a relationship but they will need to continue to work together on it throughout their lives.

Couples can begin to explore possible difficulties by talking through:

• Expectations of what marriage means

• How that is different in your mind – or not – from co-habiting

• What your experience was as a child of your parent’s marriage

• How would you like yours to be similar or different

 

Sarah Fletcher

Pre-marital Counselling

Coupleworks’ counsellors have found that couples, planning a wedding and making a commitment to share their lives together, can really benefit from a time to reflect on their hopes and expectations. It is wonderful to relish the feeling of being known and understood, to revel in shared similarities, and experience being in love with a soulmate, but every couple has to accommodate their differences too.

It may feel scary and challenging but acknowledging, embracing and understanding the differences between each other can lead to a deeper sense of connection. Negotiating different perspectives, viewpoints, and outlooks can be liberating and enriching. Pre-marital counselling contains no suggestion of incompatibility, and is not a matter of letting go of one’s own values, but is a means of increasing the ways partners invest in collective decisions.

The safe environment of the counselling room allows an opportunity for deeper listening and empathy. Checking out with ‘Is this what you mean?’ and ‘Is this what you are saying?’ questions assumptions and avoids the danger of second-guessing and any attempt at mind-reading. An ability to see where the partner is coming from creates a relaxed flexibility in the relationship. There is also the curious paradox that when we accept each other as we are, we allow the possibility of change

Often it is a feeling of being misunderstood that builds frustration or resentment and can create a defensive couple dynamic. However, if it is too cosy the relationship can feel suffocating or too constricting. A fear of opening Pandora’s Box, or a fear of rejection, can then lead to an avoidance of ‘difficult’ issues. If issues feel too risky partners can withdraw. So, opening up takes courage – but can result in closeness, acceptance, and reassurance.

The following questions are not a test. There is no right or wrong. They should be used as a way of encouraging curiosity, and beginning dialogue and discovery.

1. Where was I born and where did I consider ‘home’?
2. What does ‘Home’ mean to me?
3. What were my favourite holidays?
4. What country/place is on my bucket list?
5. When I am old what would I regret if it hasn’t happened?
6. What personal improvements do I want to make in my life?
7. What does money mean to me?
8. What would I consider my ideal job?
9. How do I manage stress and what stresses am I facing right now?
10. How do I self-soothe?
11. Do I want children? Why? When? How many?
12. What does ‘Family’ mean to me?
13. Do I have a secret dream?
14. In which ways am I an extrovert/introvert?
15. What is one of my favourite ways to spend an evening?
16. What type of film/book/TV show do I enjoy?
17. What turns me on sexually?
18. What are some of my most important values/beliefs?
19. What is one of my favourite desserts?
20. How important is tidiness/cleanliness at home?
21. What was one of my best childhood experiences?
22. What do ‘friends’ mean to me?
23. What do ‘presents’ mean to me?
24. What does living in the city/countryside mean to me?

Kathy Rees

Pre-marital Counselling

Pre-marital Counselling

More and more couples are finding it helpful to have counselling before their big day. Taking time to invest in a relationship’s future enables a couple to move into marriage with their eyes wide open. It allows them to ask the hard questions before tying the knot. Exploring issues both in the present and anticipating those that might pop up in the future, gives couples a better understanding in communicating clearly with each other as they begin their lives together.

Some questions couple might be asking themselves before entering into marriage are:
1. What is communication like right now?
2. When conflict arises how do we address issues together?
3. What are our expectations for the future?
4. How will finances be managed together?
5. Are sexual expectations compatible?
6. Have children and parenting ever been discussed?
7. What are the roles in the marriage going to be?
8. Are your lifestyles compatible? How do you visualise your lives in the future?

If these questions are difficult to talk about, perhaps taking time to have a few sessions with a couples therapist can help address these concerns and provide the best possible start for a successful marriage. By Shirlee Kay