Archive for Family

The Importance of Fathers Day

After the election chaos, the atrocities of the London bombings and yesterdays fire disaster in Grenfell Tower, Fathers Day on Sunday comes as a welcome relief. A celebration first observed in Washington in 1910 to honour fathers and father figures, step fathers, grandfathers and fathers in law. Many families go to great efforts to make special plans, send messages, cards and gifts, to celebrate fatherhood up and down the country.

Fathers’ day provides an opportunity for children to express their love and respect for their fathers’ and acknowledge the important role they play which strengthens the father child bond. However it can also be a time of mixed emotions where there may be an absent father or one who is only seen occasionally. Other male role models may be more reliable and present than the real father.

In our counselling rooms Fathers’ Day gives clients an opportunity to think of the significance of fathers in their lives and perhaps take time out to remember fathers if they are no longer around.

The role of father is often relegated to secondary status compared to a mother. But a father is just as important for a child as a mother is. However research shows that fathers are engaged in caretaking than ever before due to mothers working, longer hours, and there is more recognition of the importance the role of a father plays in family life

Role of fathers
Children depend on a father for emotional physical financial and social wellbeing. For daughters a father is the first man they love and for sons a father is the man they aspire to.
Fathers are central to the emotional well-being of their children. Having an affectionate supportive and involved father can contribute greatly to a child’s language and social development, self-confidence, academic achievement and positive opinions of men.

What a father means to his daughter
A fathers ‘influence on his daughters life shapes her confidence, and her self-esteem and sets an example to her about men.
In her book Women and their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic impact of the First Man in your Life, Victoria Secunda suggests that those women who grow up with a remote and aloof father and do not feel affirmed by their father, tend to respond to men in their lives like they responded to their elusive father: they seek out the intimacy they didn’t receive from their father, but are unable to believe they can trust their partners to deliver.
Working as a counsellor I see many clients of both sexes whose sense of worth as an individual is rooted in their experience of their fathers. How some re-enact their struggles with their fathers onto their adult partners and how having an absent father can remain such a significant influence.

What a father means to his son
The father-son relationship can be complex. Boys tend to model themselves on their fathers. They look for their fathers’ approval in everything they do. They copy those behaviours that they recognise. Boys who have an actively involved father tend to develop securely with a strong sense of self.

If a father is loving and supportive, boys will want to be that and if fathers are controlling, and dominating those could be patterns that boys take into their adult relationships.

So on this Fathers’ Day, especially after the turmoil of the last few weeks take this opportunity to recognise and reward fathers for being there and playing an important role in your lives. Fathers’ need to feel they are special too!

Dawn Kaffel

Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder

Addictive behaviours draw in other family members. There will be instinctive reactions in concerned onlookers of anyone with an eating disorder. The Maudsley Hospital in South London have developed a range of descriptive animal metaphors to clearly illustrate the likely responses of carers, and better help them to recognize their natural and typical reactions.

How do you react? There are three basic BEHAVIOURAL types that carers may adopt as a result of the confusion and anxiety they feel.

KANGAROO CARE is the response to a loved one’s seemingly fragile, physical state. It may feel tempting to try to draw them in, to protect them as if in a safe pouch. Kangaroo carers do everything they can to support. They will do anything to try and coax or tempt their loved one, with tenderness and special treats. Sadly, the downside is that it infantalises and can remove the challenge of the difficult return to reality.

RHINOCEROS RESPONSE is the understandable frustration that leads to analyzing, persuading and convincing. This so easily ends in a loss of tolerance and patience and then to arguments – as if trying to charge at, and smash, the disordered behavior.
The negative side is that force brings up all the distorted, eating disordered thinking of counter-agreements as a defense – or it allows the person to feel they could never overcome their situation without assistance

THE DOLPHIN illustrates the most helpful approach. Eating disordered people can feel all at sea, and the condition is their life belt because they feel the world is a stressful and dangerous place. The dolphin sometimes swims ahead leading and guiding the way, sometimes just being encouragingly alongside, nudging from time to time.

The other dimension of the relationship is the EMOTIONAL response, and again animal metaphors can illustrate these.

THE OSTRICH covers the family members who find any kind of challenge or confrontation too tricky. The temptation is to ignore the behaviour or absent themselves completely from the situation. This way they don’t have to admit the seriousness of what is happening.

THE JELLYFISH is engulfed in an intense and transparent emotional response. Sometimes it is just through fear that accompanies misunderstandings or false interpretations. It is only too easy to still hold the historic belief that somehow they have failed as parents or siblings, leading to sensitive or tearful reactions.

ST BERNARD DOG is the emotional ideal. Consistent, reliable and dependable in all circumstances. The St Bernard stays calm even when feeling threatened by the situation. He is warm and nurturing.

Most people will weave in and out of these behaviours – sometimes understandably succumbing to extremes, but it can be helpful to remember that intense emotional reactions are normal when dealing with situations that touch us deeply. Keeping in mind these goals can help when options feel limited.

Christina Fraser

Adulting

The term Adulting has been thrown around on social media for the past few years and many of the definitions are often ladened with their own inference and judgement. One definition defines Adulting (v): to do grown up things and hold responsibilities such as, a 9-5 job, a mortgage/rent, a car payment, or anything else that makes one think of grown ups. Used in a sentence: Jane is Adulting quite well today as she is on time for work and appears well groomed. The Oxford Dictionary defines Adulting as the Practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially the accomplishment of mundane but necessary tasks: As Modifier: I finished all my Adulting requirements for the week.

‘Adulting’ over social media, for instance, seems to be at the heart of most people’s irritation with the young, fuelling their contempt, adding to the argument that the young are unable to cope with discomfort and struggle with the challenges life throws at them. I admit that I bought into this narrative for years. However, I have recently revised my opinion. Now I see willingness by this generation to admit their struggles and take steps to address the situation in a way that best makes sense to them: seeking help. This is important; going to a therapist translates, to some, as “not being able to cope” or more scathingly, “weak and pathetic”. It misses the point that the Millennials have different way of seeing things and a very different experience growing up from that of their parents. These differences, in themselves, are not the problem; it’s the acceptance of these differences. Parents don’t want to be judged by their children and neither do the young.

It’s easy to be disparaging about Millennials and ridicule them as they struggle to cope with the realities of being an adult. But this approach quickly becomes a cliche; isn’t it far more useful to take time to understand what is going on? I sometimes wonder if much of the cynicism directed at the young has more to do with the fact that they actually voice the feelings of how challenging being an adult can sometimes be because the reality is that most young people are hardworking and responsible adults. Perhaps it is the older generation’s need for the young to struggle in the same way they did. It might be more useful for that generation to take into account that the challenges of the young are very different from their own experiences.

The couples I see in my practice are hard working and responsible. Do they struggle? Yes, but what I walk away with is a sense that their struggles can be known, not hidden and ignored. They don’t feel as though they need to ‘suck it up’ and suffer in silence perhaps the way their parents did. Do they sometimes go on about it too much? Absolutely. But like all change, the swing of the pendulum sometimes sounds extreme. The secret might be to look at the grumblings as part of the process the young are going through. As most adults (finally) learn, acceptance is at the heart of being fully grown up!

Shirlee Kay

Uncertainty.

Uncertainty.

 

The shock of unexpected change, when it is a superego decision, thus removing control, brings fear and anxiety into everyone affected.

We in the UK have seen this domino effect of shock reverberating around the country.  As well as amazement and disruption it has brought a sense of excitement, conversation, argument and newness into otherwise routine and busy lives across the country.

When observing what happens with change on a wide scale it is interesting to compare group reactions to those of a couple, their family and friends facing the unknown.

A family, getting on with their lives in a safe and certain routine can collectively face the ups and downs of day to day existence.

When sudden change manifests itself the whole family can be disrupted, bringing a forced difference in a very short space of time to the hitherto status quo in the family culture.

A move, loss of job, an affair following breakdown of communication, unexpected illness or death can throw all concerned into a whirlpool of vulnerability and fear.

Some people manage these traumas with difficulty but eventual resolution and some are not so fortunate.  At Coupleworks, we see more of the latter but with time, listening, respect and acceptance of change we can witness recovery taking place.  It is possible to encourage a more solid foundation within the couple management.

With the wider picture of the superego seeming to lose control and without a solution in place, an honest and straightforward approach may help to shift rigid views and more tolerance might start to form in a country currently at odds with itself.

This will, like with a couple, need acceptance that clinging to old ways which no longer fit the present time is like expecting a mother plant to flourish forever, instead of respecting the fact that new shoots with their energetic and creative growth can bring stronger yet different shapes and colours.

The advertisements on television for the coming Olympics and Paralympics have shown how creativity and change can help bring back positive excitement during uncertain times.

Clare Ireland

Working with Family Members

As couple therapists, our training is focused on two people: a man and a woman, two women, two men, transgender couples. These are couples that have chosen to commit to a relationship. They have a history of meeting, dating, getting to know one another and (hopefully) falling in love. They come to therapy because their relationship is in trouble, and they want to understand why and how to resolve things.

So what happens when two sisters, two brothers, a mother and daughter, mother and son, father and daughter or father and son need help with their relationship?

When a client I have been working with asked if I would see him with his brother, I was in a quandary as to how I might serve them best. I decided that I would work with the issues that they wanted to address as I would with any couple. But was it as simple as that? What else did I need to consider?

I asked myself what the difference might be working with them, and what I came up with is that this ‘couple’ didn’t choose one another but were born into the same family. The other difference is that the family history is shared but not always experienced in the same.

What struck me about meeting these brothers was there was the same tension between them that ‘normal’ couples often bring into the consulting room. There was also a natural hesitance about delving into difficult feelings between them (opening the ‘can of worms’) and doubted that the other could understand them.

Mike and James grew up with a controlling and divisive mother who would keep one of them in favour and criticise the other. And then, periodically, she would switch. It felt good when they were the chosen one and both acknowledged how difficult it was to protect the other or name what was going on within the family.

By telling the story, the brothers were able to appreciate how they were caught up in a dynamic that they didn’t choose but were forced to adapt to.
As children, they had no guidance and did the best they could to manage, but it left them feeling unprotected and wounded with one another.

I worked with them for eight sessions and they started slowly to trust one another and move forward together. They consciously made a pact to protect one another when the other was out of favour and keep the communication between them open and loving. They realized that changing their mother’s behaviour wasn’t possible but they were determined to step into it, with one another, in a different more thoughtful way. After a time, they found that this made them stronger together and as a result, their relationship became closer and deeper.
Working with two people means simply learning to understand how they experience and relate to one another. Whether it is a romantic couple or siblings going through difficulties, therapy can help disentangle things between them.

Shirlee Kay

Siblings at War

Sibling Rivaly. It can all sound a bit Freudian and irrelevant within modern couple difficulties.
But remember, this is where most of us start to investigate our relationship powers.
The first group most people encounter is within our original family and each new child hopes for the starring role. However, the disappointments of displacement can come all too fast as another, rival baby enters the home.
Sometimes there is already a co-star in the shape of a demanding toddler born before us who will be fighting for autonomy. Each child struggles for top billing – with their parents as audience.
As a beloved new baby, getting toppled from that important pedestal means that you are no longer getting all that precious attention, so sibling rivalry can be bitter. And for most children any displacement will feel too early.
As relationship therapists, we see this often. Many couples will mirror each other with similar positions in their early family structure.  When people’s feelings run high, the bickering can degenerate into playground style squabbling. Each trying to show who is the most hard done by, and the most wronged partner.
Conflicts like this often cover up the real issue which is fear. Couples can disagree on fundamental issues but the scary things is to trust that a partner will still love and respect us and our views even if they aren’t shared. Therapy can provide that safe space to reflect and really listen to a partner. We don’t have to agree with all their ideas and beliefs, but we do need to listen and better understand each other.
Sibling rivalry is based on injustice – real or imagined. Most of us struggle for feelings of fairness in couple relationships. If the other thinks we are wrong they are inferring we must be to blame. So we retaliate, insisting that they are wrong and so it goes. Except that sometimes nobody holds the golden ticket. Things can just be different for each of us.
When filled with frustration and rage, try to imagine where you may have experienced a similar struggle back in childhood. That’s often where it all begins.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. That brother or sister knows where all the skeletons lie within the family cupboard and can be a close ally as time goes on.
They know you well, and that can be a scary thing. But they can also be a deep support for life.

Christina Fraser

The Festival of Chanukah – 8 candles 8 lessons

Last Sunday Jewish families around the world were celebrating the first night of Chanukah. The time of the year when this joyous festival of lights is celebrated with the kindling of an eight branch candelebra. Over the next eight days an additional candle is lit every night accompanied by singing special songs, eating oil based foods like doughnuts and exchanging gifts.

Rabbi Mark Levene says with the strike of a match the flames of the menorah can teach us eight powerful lessons. I believe we can also apply these lessons to our couple relationships:

CLARITY – there are often times in life when we can get overwhelmed with difficulties. It just takes one person to break that darkness and reach out to another to show love empathy and compassion

HOPE – no matter how impossible things may look at times, with patience, time and effort we can fight off the forces that often want to break us.

ADDITIONS – on each evening we light an additional flame and then go back to light the previous candles. In doing this we show that everyday we have another opportunity to add our own light into this world and improve what we bring to one another from the day before.

NOTICE – have we become so accustomed to routine in our lives and relationships that we fail to see the fascination in the familiar and mundane?

UNDERSTANDING- more about ourselves and how we behave helps us stay more connected to our partners and ensures we don’t keep repeating the same mistakes

KINDLE- regardless of how many candles we light our flame never diminishes. When we share our knowledge, time and energy with our partners we keep that light shining brighter

AWAKEN – to question our commitment to our relationships can reawaken the curiosity and interest in each other

HEAVENWARD – allowing ourselves to look inwards. However far we may travel the light of the flames teach us that our hearts and minds remain steadfastly committed to our relationships.

The festival of Chanukah enables us to look inwards and utilise the opportunities available to us. This year as we eat our doughnuts lets hope we can see the glow of the eight flickering candles and stand strong as we did over 2000 years ago and overcome our difficulties now as we did then.

Happy Chanukah

Dawn Kaffel

Ageing Parents – A Rite of Passage

As the joy of summer holidays start to fade and we return to our daily routines of work, school runs and family life, it struck me how many of us may be facing the challenge of ageing parents at the same time as dealing with raising and supporting children. This relatively new phenomenon is labelled the Sandwich Generation.

Coupleworks clients often say it seems as if it is something that creeps up on us – the idea that we may have to parent one or both of our parents, often due to divorce, widowhood, ill health or dementia. Whatever situation we find ourselves in, the change of roles from being cared for to being the carer to parents as well as our own children and often grandchildren brings with it a huge wave of different and sometimes unpredictable emotions.

It’s hard seeing parents becoming more frail and vulnerable when it seems like yesterday they were strong and robust and in many cases, taking care of you. Sometimes a sense of obligation and wanting to control is a way of coping with the inevitable loss of a much-loved parent. Feelings of shame are sometimes overwhelming when we express frustration and anger towards parents who are no longer able to respond in the way they used to and require so much more of our time and attention.

Coupleworks clients often express feelings of being pulled in so many directions and this can bring up lots of difficulties between a couple.
If you don’t live close by, how much time is taken up worrying about how they are coping and feeling guilty because there is not enough time to visit more often.
Are they able to manage on their own? Can they look after their own financial affairs? Are they safe enough to drive the car? Are they calling more often? Does there seem to be more accidents in the home? Do they need more advice and seem less and less independent?

How does a partner give continual support at these crucial times when it feels like there is constant competition for attention and care that is going elsewhere?

This can also be a time when our relationships with siblings can be severely tested. When old familiar roles get raised and we tend to revert to patterns of behaviour with parents from our childhoods. Does the eldest child take charge which can bring out feelings of resentment from younger siblings? Do younger siblings often feel the need to be looked after and feel excluded from parental care? How can we continue to give the care and attention to our children and grandchildren when our parents needs become more pressing and demanding?

Be aware of the knock on effects that taking on a caring role can bring. Does it mean we need to cut back on work, reduce our social lives in order to spend more quality time with parents, in some cases to make up for opportunities lost in the past?
How can we manage all these roles without feeling frustrated and resentful? After all you may have had parents who spent most of their lives caring for you and now they need that extra support, its not always easy to find that love, care and generosity when there is so much going on.

As our parents and family members are living longer, we have to find ways of looking after ourselves better too.

At Coupleworks we are often faced with helping clients work through this complex and difficult as well as rewarding time.

Here are a few tips to help manage the situation:

Don’t be afraid to ask for help – Make sure you give yourself time to find out all the help there is out there from your GP to social services, occupational therapists and carers associations.

You can’t do it all – when a crisis hits, there is a tendency to go around like a headless chicken as you try to come to terms with the changes in your family dynamic. Once the practical things are in place, try to make the time just to talk calmly about what they need right now. Its very difficult for parents to accept that they need to depend on you more, especially if that hasn’t been so for most of your relationship.

Take things slowly – baby steps. What needs to be put in place now, may need to be changed if and when the situation settles down.

Allow parents to talk about how they feel – Don’t be afraid to listen to parents’ feelings and thoughts. It may be difficult to listen to but it’s important that they are able to feel they can talk about their fears and anxieties.

Share your feelings with your partner or close friend.
Don’t feel you have to cope on your own. Reach out to those who are closest to you. Don’t shut everybody out. Often a problem shared is a problem halved.

Work together with your siblings – if you have siblings, use them for support and discuss how you can help each other to work through this tough time. If you are an only child, make sure you have friends and other family members who you can rely on to be there for you to talk things through with or ask for help

Look after yourself – try to keep doing what your were always doing. Make sure you are getting enough sleep and eating properly. You may not be able to do it with the same frequency but stopping your exercise routines, your lunches with a girlfriend and short breaks with your partner will NOT enable you to face this role reversal and cherish every moment you can with a parent while you can.
Dawn Kaffel

Fathers’ Day

Fathers’ Day is upon us this weekend and all over the country and from all around the world, Dads will be receiving messages alongside the visits that will be taking place.

The media too have been full of stories about fathers and parenting. Some of these like the one about three-year-old Ethan who was required by a judge, very unusually, to live with his father rather than his mother was very personal. Others like the survey reported in last Sunday’s Observer showed that fathers whose couple relationships have broken down, spend more time with their sons than with their daughters. There is now also plenty of evidence around that parents in this generation, and fathers in particular, are giving greater priority to spending time with their children which is a marked change from where we were even 30 years ago.

All of which creates its own pressures and challenges. How do you, as a father, respond positively to this hope that your relationships with your children will have a greater depth to them than yours did as a child? How can you learn to be a good father when you may never have had a male in your life who provided much of a role model?

Perhaps it’s no surprise that more and more organisations – schools, health visitors, churches – are running parenting courses. Such groups are simply responding to the demand and the need that is out there.

Here at Coupleworks we are very used to working with these issues. We do not provide parenting courses but we do help couples and individuals, either in couple therapy or individual counselling, to explore the sort of parents they want to be and the struggles they face in doing that. Often this starts with thinking through their own experience of being parented – what they liked or didn’t and how they might want to do the same or differently.

With regard to being a father, we regularly provide counselling for those who have had challenging relationships with their own fathers. Quite often this presents itself from having one who was emotionally distant or perhaps domineering. Talking and working through their own experience of being parented, can then help men to become the sort of fathers they want to be.

None of us will ever be perfect parents – but most of us can make good enough ones – and here at Coupleworks we can help with that process. A willingness to work at being a ‘good enough Dad’ is a great place to start.

Sarah Fletcher

What’s in a name?

Well the writing is over and the bookies are settling the bets – it’s official – the names of the new Princess are Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. And as the commentators have rushed to confirm, each of those names were carefully chosen to link the baby to Kate and William’s families. Charlotte is taken from the French origin of Charles in honour of her grandfather. The name Charlotte is also the middle name of Pippa Middleton so links well to both families. Elizabeth and Diana speak for themselves – named after Charlotte’s great grandmother, the Queen and her late grandmother, Princess Diana.

All of which raises some interesting questions for many couples when it comes to the naming of a new baby. How far should they go along with family tradition? And how far should they aim simply to choose a name that they like, regardless of what others may think about it?

Of course that’s just one example of an issue that every couple faces at some stage in their relationship. All of us have expectations about how to run our lives – varying from the ‘proper’ way to do Christmas, to the priority we place on our family get togethers, to what is right to spend money on – but the problems come in relationships when these expectations clash and one member of a couple just assumes that the other will come into line because that’s what they have been bought up to expect.

In my own experience there are unhealthy and healthy ways to handle these differing expectations. Some couples will never compromise and end up bickering endlessly. In other couples one person will so dominate another that a different perspective never gets a look in. A more healthy dynamic is when couples are able to spend time listening carefully to each other and to be open to making change. Very rarely is there an objectively ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to do things – it is about the couple working out what is right for them.

One of the many refreshing things about William and Kate is their willingness to put their own stamp on the way they run their lives and no doubt they’ve had to talk about the blending of families expectations on many occasions. Long may that continue and Coupleworks send their congratulations to William and Kate on the birth of their new Princess.

Sarah Fletcher

How to put the ‘Grand’ into Grandparenting

Recently I have received several phone calls from friends joyously announcing they have joined the ‘Grand parenting club’ and it made me think more about the significance of this important relationship that can enrich lives across the generations.

There are 14 million grandparents in the UK, 1.5 million are aged under 50, 7 million are under 65.

Ask a grandparent about a grandchild and you’re usually in for a long conversation!!
Serious faces soften with enormous grins, house rules slacken and the biscuit tin is never empty.

Adults appear to transform when they become grandparents. It’s as if they turn back the clock, -a time to have a child in the family without the responsibility but with all the pleasure that they may have missed with their own children. Grandparents take on the role of a bridge between the past and the present, providing memorable loving relationships with grandchildren that can last a lifetime.

However, with the increase in blended families, grandparents are taking on many different roles and it can be challenging. Some grandparents take on full or part time responsibility for their grandchildren often having to shoulder a great deal of the childcare responsibilities because both parents are working or in some cases due to divorce or even death of a parent. For other grandparents it may be a weekend visit, a regular weekday spent together, a chat on the phone and if in a long distance relationship an email or a regular Skype exchange.

At Coupleworks we often see clients who are struggling with the demands of grandparenting, which in turn can lead to difficulties in their own relationships.

Here are some suggestions to ensure a grandparenting role makes the most of this precious relationship and helps strengthen loving family times:

*discuss with your son or daughter the role you would like to have in your grandchild’s life and how that matches with their expectation of your new role. For example how often you will babysit? How often will you seem them? Will you go on holidays together? How often can they come and stay? Do you attend school meetings?

* try not to offer advise unless it’s asked for!! Instead make sure your children know you are on hand should they need someone to turn to.

*house rules at home are always more relaxed in grandparents homes, but consistency is important for grandchildren to feel.

*resist trying to tell your children how to raise your grandchildren. Respect the parent’s decisions. Make it clear you respect their boundaries. You would always phone before popping in!

*share with them the things you are interested in and passionate about which may be different from their parents

*it’s unnecessary to shower your new grandchild with an abundance of gifts – always check with the child’s parents before making a large purchase. Perhaps, substitute gift giving by spending quality time and sharing activities together which will build up much more lasting memories.

*remember to look after your own relationship by ensuring you take time out for your partner to have fun and enjoy reconnecting as a couple without grandchildren

* keep yourself healthy by eating nutritiously and ensure you get enough sleep – grandchildren can be exhausting!!

*just living for your grandchildren can cause difficulties so don’t give up your own hobbies and interests. It’s important to have a balanced life.

Relationships with your grandchildren, like any other relationships can be challenging but also incredibly rewarding. Grandparents are often rejuvenated in the companionship of a younger generation. Equally, grandparenting offers a grandchild insight into a different generational experience.

Being the kind of grandparent that works for you, your children and your grandchildren involves caring, compromise and consistency.

A Welsh proverb claims: ‘perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild’

Have the time of your life!!
Dawn Kaffel

Mothers’ Day.

For the card designers and printers, the flower sellers and restaurants, this is another bonanza day for selling.

From a mother’s point of view, who should she be, both to herself and to her children.  She has already been the child of a mother and therefore has expectations and hopes from both positions.

Nature seems to implant in mothers an ability to make sacrifices willingly, to be tolerant, to offer unconditional love without feeling it is a right to get it back and to find whatever does come back is a bonus.

There has to be an honesty from a mother to her child in order to be brave enough to tell it as it is even when the telling is painful to hear.

She has to veer seamlessly in the early years between melt downs and temper tantrums and kisses, cuddles and I love you pictures festooned down upon her from nursery school.  She has to take the ‘she knows it all’ and ‘she gets it’ of the younger child to ‘she knows nothing’ and ‘she never gets it’ of the teenage years, without taking it personally.

She has to try and accept that her child is a totally separate entity from herself and will not do things in life which she wanted to do but hadn’t achieved.

She has to bear her child being unhappy at times without going into over protection mode thereby robbing her child of the learning process of resolving their own battles and conflicts.

The concept of having, loving and letting go has never been bettered and if any mother is able to fulfil some of the above she really deserves a card, flowers and treat because the person giving those to her will be hoping for acknowledgement from their child somewhere down the line of life.

Clare Ireland.

Can your relationship survive a new baby?

Recently I have been talking to a number of parents of young babies asking them for some ‘top tips’ about what has helped in their relationships under the pressures that a new baby brings.

These are their ten top tips and I would be interested for others to add their own to this list – as you will see you don’t have to have a ‘big idea’ – lots of small ones can make the difference.

So here they are….

1. Remember to say ‘I love you’ to your partner as often as you did in the past. You’ll be saying that lots to your baby and your partner can feel they have been left out.
2. Accept all the help that is offered. Don’t become martyrs to the feeling you should be doing it all yourselves.
3. Be realistic about the number of visitors that you can handle. When you are exhausted it is important that you rest, both for yourselves and the baby.
4. Keep your sense of humour. Any number of people will be giving you a heap of advice – and the best thing to do with some of it is to laugh.
5. Try to freeze some meals in advance or buy in some from COOK or a similar supply. Don’t be afraid if friends offer to help to ask them to bring supper. This eases the pressure from a possible flash point.
6. Talk with your partner about what you are both expecting and hoping for around family visits from in-laws and parents.
7. Spot the likely points of stress, especially when partner is going back to work – and talk through how you are going to work together on the stress points at the end of the day, the night, and first thing in the morning.
8. Try to do some nice things for yourselves as well as for the baby.
9. Remember it won’t be like this forever – it get’s better. Talk with other parents who have survived the experience.
10. And as for sex… don’t worry about it for a while – you will know when the time is right.
Sarah Fletcher

How the Festival of Chanukah can bring light and hope to relationships

Jewish families around the world are preparing for the festival of Chanukah, also known as the Festival of Lights and Feast of Dedication. It is very happy and enjoyable time for families, an eight day holiday commemorating the dedication of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean revolt. The festival is celebrated with the kindling of the lights of the candelabra: one additional candle is lit every night for 8 days, often accompanied by singing special songs, playing games and exchanging gifts. Another custom is eating oil -based foods such as doughnuts and potato pancakes as a reminder of the oil that was used in the temple.

Sitting with my clients this week, I was struck by how many couples could benefit from this wonderful festival of renewed dedication. Partners could benefit hugely by committing themselves to eight days of renewed dedication, faith and hope.
Here are some suggestions to help your relationship get into the Chanukah spirit:

*Focus on what you have in your relationship rather than what you don’t have
*Slow down and make more time for each other
*Spend more time listening to each other
*Discuss how to make these eight days more special than others
*Be more conscious of how you speak to your partner, the words you use and the tone of your voice
*Plan something unexpected that you know your partner would love
*Be more affectionate, warm and loving
*Laugh and have fun together

Happy Chanukah
Dawn Kaffel

Moving house can be a positive step for a relationship

Statistics tell us that moving house can be one of the most stressful experiences alongside divorce and bereavement. Certainly at Coupleworks we often see clients who are facing a move into a different area or who may be considering relocating to a different country. This is often where communication breaks down and can be seen as a negative experience. This can raise unresolved issues between a couple at a crucial time of change and interferes with the feelings of joy and connection with starting somewhere new.

Having just been through the experience of moving out of a home shared for 32 years with a partner who has always been very reluctant to move, I appreciate how stressful it can be especially as we only had 4 weeks to do it in, which in our case probably was the best thing, as there wasn’t much time to process anything except start packing!!

I was rather anxious how we would cope knowing that moving house can put a strain on even the most solid of relationships. Here are some of the thoughts I had along the journey:

Moving house can be an incredible rollercoaster. Change can be scary for one and exciting for the other. Home was always comfortable and familiar. Going someplace else is new and very unfamiliar. Despite the stress and tensions, it is surprising how beneficial it can be if treated in the right way and if we take advantage of opportunities open to us. Managed well, far from straining a relationship, it can often strengthen it and breathe new life into it.

Here are a few tips to help reduce anxiety and ensure your move progresses as smoothly as possible.

• Delegation of responsibilities. You know what your strengths and weaknesses are. Discuss and work out who is going to do what and when and keep check lists.
• Discuss what you need to take with you, what you need to leave, what you need to dispose of and what you may wish to give to charity
• Give yourselves time to talk about the things you might miss about your old home. Remember the happy and sad times spent there, the neighbours, the familiarity, the views. Acknowledging all the losses and expressing sadness is a positive step
• Don’t be afraid to express your fears of the unknown – the what if’s…
Moving from where you know to where you don’t can bring on anxiety for most people. However change can be very exciting and can bring new life to a relationship so go and grab it and make the most of it.

Counsellors at Coupleworks specialise in helping clients resolve any difficulties that might make moving house easier to manage. This can be via face to face, telephone, or if you don’t have time to attend in person through our Skype counselling service. Please do contact us at Coupleworks

Dawn Kaffel

Family Breakdown

Fewer than half of children will celebrate their 16th birthday with their parents still together. Penelope Leach is a research psychologist and well known for her books on early childhood development written in the 1970s. She has recently published a book called ‘Family Breakdown: Helping children hang onto both their parents’. It is written for parents, and professionals involved in supporting those parents, to help to find a way to divorce ‘better’, very much focusing on the perspective of the child.

There has been some controversy surrounding the book even before it was published. In particular she has been criticised by fathers and some psychologists for advocating that children under 3 should be with their primary caregiver at night and not have overnight stays away from them. In practice this means of course that for a high percentage of children this will be their mother. Her evidence for this comes from recent studies and developments in attachment psychology, although some have disputed this particular research. To say that she is against fathers is simplistic: rather she has emphasised the importance of the father’s role in a child’s development. She speaks to the needs of the child to be with their primary caregiver during those early years up to the age of 3, whether that is their mother or father.

All too often, despite the best intentions of parents, each partner will struggle to separate their trauma of separation and divorce from their relationship to the children. In that context therapy can be helpful to process some of the accumulated hurts and resentments to try to prevent these being acted out through the children. This book could be a useful addition to help parents find the dos and don’ts of what might be best for their children in the midst of a difficult and painful process.

An interview with Penelope Leach was broadcast on Woman’s Hour on Radio 4 at 10am on Monday 23 June. Listen here

Sarah Fletcher

Fathers and Daughters

Mothers are historically seen as primary role models for daughters, and sometimes the impact of the father’s influence can initially appear to be more shadowy.

Where there is not a ‘present dad’ – then a secondary male can step in. Never underestimate the significance of grandfathers, uncles or good family friends.

The first important man in a small girl’s world will be this male figure. Children will regard themselves as they imagine others regard them. Women begin to find their sense of acceptance and value as a result of these early messages from their fathers.

The first family unit is where we all learn our powers of negotiation. Those who come from conflict averse or overly critical parenting will not easily be able to learn the value of safely expressing their own opinions. The father who is too powerful, or too passive, will not allow a woman a sense of safety when finding her voice with later male relationships.

Learning that her thoughts are valid and worth attention (even if not agreed with) is a good life lesson for any girl and being listened to will mean that she, in turn, will find it easier to listen.

Believing that her opinions count will help a girl to learn how to be assertive. This differs from sounding aggressive, which is more likely to stem from combative behaviour arising from feelings of powerlessness.

Offering safe male attention is one of a fathers best legacies to a daughter. Understanding boundaries and privacy, and avoiding any negative or trite comments about her physical characteristics are essential.

Remember, the parents are the first couple that any child observes. How the father treats the mother is a powerful message. Parents who treat each other well, are companionable and can disagree (even heatedly) but resolve and safely make up will show daughters that this can be their expectation of a fair and respectful relationship in adult life.

Christina Fraser

Negotiating couple pitfalls and minefields.

Pressed buttons can ignite into hurt feelings and painful arguments even with couples that feel in harmony.  Talking about things they know are liable to ‘set them off’, and how they would like to negotiate when this happens can help to avoid instant defensiveness and lack of understanding.

· Where to live and in what type of accommodation?
· Money management.
· Sexual desire, preferences and respect.
· Allowing and respecting difference in taste whether cultural or social.
· Household and daily chores.  Who does what and when?  Does it feel fair?
· Driving and directions.  Who does which or are the roles swapped?
· Time management.  Late/early.  How to negotiate somewhere in the middle to lower the anxiety and stress.
· Going out.  How much or little?
· Sharing friends.  Mutually enjoying some.  Separating out for others without a sense of rejection or threat.
· What does each mean about trust?
· Children.  Different expectations and hopes.  How to deal with the conflicting ideas.
· Pets.  To have or have not?  How to share the care.
· Tidy/Untidy.  Can a point be reached somewhere in the middle to satisfy both.
· Perhaps one of the most difficult to negotiate because it is a relatively new pitfall is Internet and mobile phone usage.  The sense of rejection when friends in cyberspace seem more amusing, interesting and sexy than each other in real time.

These are all areas of possible conflict and misunderstanding which can be conciliated and mediated, bringing the couple closer through a feeling of respect and being borne in mind.

Clare Ireland

Staying in touch with son/daughters ex-partner?

  • Do you think it is ok to stay in touch with a son/daughters ex-partner?

Sadly, this is not a black and White issue and will need careful handling depending on the circumstances.

There will be raw feelings and it is important to acknowledge that it is a loss – depending on the depth and length of the couple relationship it may even feel like a bereavement.

It is important to discuss and respect the boundaries of the son/daughter and be sensitive to their situation.

For the parent it may bring other, complicated issues. Was the partner a surrogate child or a good friend? Try to examine what is your (the parental) loss and separate these feelings.

  • Is it only ok if there are grandchildren involved?

In a mature separation, conflict between parents has to be put aside for the sake of the children who need the parents to communicate respectfully, however angry or upset they may feel.

Continuity is vital, and the loss of supportive grandparents will only heighten children’s sense of insecurity.

Talk about how this may work for the parents, both of whom may need to be involved and be sensitive to their feelings. Impartiality may be very difficult, but this is where the grandchildren’s stability is paramount.

  • What if the son/daughter does not want them to stay in touch?

There are likely to be raw and damaged feelings. Try not to take sides; there is usually one truth, but two perspectives to every situation. There will be the loss of hope that this relationship brought. Parents may need to face their own losses around any cosy fantasies of a future family.

Allow your child to talk about their feelings. Often anger and stubbornness hides fear and sadness.

Only by keeping careful communication open is there any hope of a future, and different link to the ‘lost’ partner

Christina Fraser

Reuniting with Family this Christmas?

Alongside the gifts and good food arrives a big box of expectations – all creating an atmosphere that feels highly-charged and which could be explosive.

What if we do not wish to conform this year? Is it hard to risk disappointing others? Does it feel too challenging to do something different or to not fall into line? What happens to family preconceptions if we change the script?

Are you left feeling bad, anxious and uncomfortable? Do you feel responsible for the reactions of others when they express confusion and disappointment?

Do you end up conforming to the expectations to avoid conflict or tears – but then feel resentful and angry? Do you say ‘Yes’ when you wish to say ‘No’? Are you able to explain to child that they will not receive the presents on the list? Can you tell a parent that you will not be staying as long as they wish? Can you protect separate ‘couple time’ for you and your partner while looking at a mountain of demands?

When everyone gets together for the festive season, unresolved issues from childhood can surface and difficult family dynamics can get replayed. It can be hard to be calm and confident, and still caring, in the face of emotional blackmail. In the face of others trying to make us feel guilty can we remain authentic, be clear about our motivations, and see the bigger picture?

When facing unmanaged hurt, and coping with the induced guilt, we often find ourselves succumbing to a pressure to fall back into old patterns of behaviour. When we stop to think, we realise that our reactions to the current situation are actually rooted in past experiences. We can revert to childhood roles when we feel flooded and overwhelmed with emotion – and lose our competent adult sense of self. Are our reactions those of a rebellious teenager or, even more embarrassingly, a frustrated toddler?

If only we can be clear about our own motivations and intentions, pause a moment, stand back a little, take a deep breath, stay in the moment… Taking an overview, side-stepping the fray, helps us see the wood as well as the tree!