Archive for Conflict

Couples on holiday.

Before taking time to think about what you hope for on a holiday, try to align your expectations to how you are as a couple at home.  Most couples are having to compromise, acknowledge and deal with difference, communicate feelings without paying a price and think about what early experiences are triggering between the couple and becoming familiar arguments without resolution.  A holiday will be the same two people with the same personalities having more couple time than at home.

Beyond the first couple of days in a holiday location when everything is different the same issues when buttons are pressed, resurface.  Make allowances for the 24/7 exposure to each other. Even if you both work at home…there will be boundaries about space, intrusion and needs.

Descending into disagreements can happen quickly in an unfamiliar place.  It is interesting to note that the ‘dream holiday’ is often seen as experiencing exciting and romantic new ways together.  Yet one of the common anxieties on holiday is about something wrong with accommodation or food or unaccustomed noise.  So while longing for change from everyday life at home, the unfamiliarity can become a trigger for a row.

Both people are different, have different ideas, needs and anxieties, usually rooted somewhere before they met.  This will always be the case and it will be inflammatory to try and change each other.  The romantic and intimate thing would be to celebrate the difference.

A few common things to discuss before setting off may be useful.  This illustrates how people approach situations in their own unique way.

On time for travel with extra time for calm.

or

Running to departure as the doors are closing.

 

Queuing at check out with luggage to cover every need and eventuality.

or

Preferring to travel with a small carry on pack and boarding pass.

 

Chilling on a beach, dipping in and out of the water with a good book.

or

Needing to do ‘stuff’, see buildings and see everything educational in the area.

 

Planning meals in restaurants and wiling away the day in between.

or

Wanting simple salads in the evening and enjoying a picnic lunch.

Flights, trains and encountering traffic during car journeys are all beyond your control.  This common fear needs to be handled by sharing the unknown as a couple and not as an individual.  Both sides can then feel taken care of and less agitated.

A survey in 2016 said that 60% of couples questioned admit to fighting on holiday and shattering the dream.  The advice given was to try and mirror your contact at home.  Don’t feel the need to be glued together.  Do some separate daytime pursuits, discussed the day before and meet later to eat together and discuss your day

The holiday arena is only a minefield of disappointments if there is no discussion beforehand about different expectations.

These are only a few suggestions to help towards harmony and growth of intimacy for the ongoing couple.

Adding the energy of small children,  teenage and parental usage of mobile devices to the mix would be enough copy for another blog.  In the Christmas holidays, where previous blogs have covered the skill needed to make a family Christmas go somewhere near to everyone in the groups’ expectations, there are more suggestions for helping the dream to happen.

Clare Ireland

Beware of the safety of Echo Chambers

We are probably all guilty in some way about only reading opinions which back up our thoughts on issues most of us can do nothing about anyway. We read the same newspapers and watch the programmes which back up our standpoint. We stick to our opinion on subjects which we only partially know about. We argue among friends about controversial happenings around us and in the world with often little hands on experience or knowledge about the subject or cultural practices we are discussing.

We feel comforted by and veer towards the friendships of people who seem to be of the same mind. By doing this we enter an echo chamber where opposing ideas are not welcome and where we feel safe. Without the echo, the feeling in the space can become hostile.

When this begins to happen with couples, it is a warning signal that all is not well. Coming up against a brick wall becomes the norm and echoes fade into a forgotten land.

In our consulting rooms this can be a signal that certain important bonding factors have become lost. This can tell us that the sexual side of the couple has somehow vanished, or one side of the couple is more successful in their presentation to their world than the other. Or respect, admiration and acceptance of difference has become lost and been replaced with spite, hurt, detachment and loss of attraction. Interested curiosity about the other’s difference…so seductive at the outset of a relationship disappears and is replaced by criticism, competition and argument.

The lost sexual passion in the couple becomes replaced by opposite opinions and ‘telling’ without discussion. Voices raise in order to be heard and ears shut to debate and reception of alternate possibilities. The discussion turns into a heated fight. Profound statements are made with no other foundation of fact than what has been written by a journalist, writer or film maker who shares the same approach to a subject, often based on hearsay and seldom by hard facts and experience in the first place.

The safety of an echo chamber is longed for but it may not be the place for resolution.

The early seduction game played by both sides of the couple which used to be about listening, learning and admiring your partner’s knowledge, turns into automatic disagreement and fighting corners. Being interested even if not converted and learning from the different approach encourages attraction and intimacy. Ugly and antagonistic slanging matches kills the couple trust and containment. Intimacy comes when there is someone who bears you in mind making a special place for you and your different viewpoint.

It can be very attractive to listen and hear what your partner feels about outside events which affect the world, yet all the time blending and moving with ideas as opposed to laying down the law and killing dialogue. Bringing back a remark you have thought about but not entirely agreed with by saying, “What you said to your friend made me really proud of you. I don’t follow that view but it has made me think and I am grateful for that”.

Other couples can pick up on their friends who have maintained the early respect for each other’s difference and often quote their envy of this seemingly natural flow between them. When in the presence of this atmosphere it can spread to others who have lost that
exchange and find they can regain that link to each other without either entering the safety of the echo chamber or descending into vitriol. They find the middle way.

Clare Ireland

Let’s have a good row

Couples coming to counselling will usually describe communication problems as one of the main reasons for seeking outside help.
A magnetic twosome that starts in a glowing bubble of love, fuelled by a powerful cocktail of chemical reaction is likely to have some disappointing moments as realism and disappointments begin to sneak up on the happy couple.
Psychologists describe this first stage in the passage of a relationship as the Romance Stage which generally lasts around 18 months to 2 years before life cruelly pushes us into the Power Struggle stage. 
Often, the higher the hope the deeper the disappointment when our ‘other’ transpires to be just that … No longer our twin soul, but another who just doesn’t see things the right way (that is, the way we see them)
This is where couples endeavour to point out to each other, often not with much gentleness, exactly where the other one is going so very wrong.
The partner who had seemed so kind and understanding can often become an enemy who just doesn’t get us at all.
Now, when momentarily disenchanted with our beloved, all we see are the flaws and the differences instead of those glowing attributes and understandings that seemed to blind us at the start.
The power struggle is a hard system to shift, but when I ask in a first session how a couple argues, it’s the answer ” O, we never row” that makes me know the work will probably be long and hard.
It is often the ability to have a creative row that can lead a couple to some better understanding of each other and show there is passion in the dynamic between them.
There is, however, a big difference between abusive anger which is unsustainable and cruel, and a good barney which often leads to repair and an affectionate re-entry into the safety of the loving side of our partner.
Here are some tips for A Good Row.

1. Pick your battles 
It’s pointless to keep moaning about unloading the dishwasher (aka ‘nagging’) unless you can recognise what is really being said. Are you actually asking for more help around the house, or maybe it’s about just feeling generally unheard and unimportant. Think it through and try to explain your feelings. Behind most power struggles is fear.

2. Avoid accusatory language
This one is easy. So when describing some issue of contentiousness, don’t use the ‘you’ word, as in ‘you always..’ Or ‘you never…’ And instead, own the feeling that it evokes in you.
‘When X happens, it can make me feel …..’  (Fill in your own reaction)

3. The impact of childhood 
Ingrained issues often come from past experiences. Think of where you may have felt this way before you ever met your partner. Ask how anger was dealt with in their family. Conflict averse families don’t help kids to learn how to process difficult feelings. Critical parents can breed critical children – often they grow up to be hard on themselves and will dole it out because they can’t bear their own feelings of not being right.

4. Try to listen
This one is tricky in the middle of heightened emotions. But do try to think about what is being said rather than just waiting to speak. If people feel heard, they are more likely to listen to your point.

5. Not in front of children
Sounds so obvious, but often doesn’t happen. Children can be really scared by continual rows. Never include them or confide in them. Sometimes gripes are bound to become public, but make sure they also see you hugging and close so they grow up seeing that anger isn’t a deal breaker, but can be successfully and lovingly negotiated.

6. Keep it clean
However bruised we feel it’s important to keep to the relevant issue and not allow anger to take over and become a character assassin. Hurting because we feel hurt can only cause deeper pains that take a long time to heal.

7. Don’t use sulking as a weapon
Sometimes confused feelings cause people to withdraw. It’s ok to discuss this at a quiet moment and explain that we need a period of quiet time to regroup. This is so different to doling out The Silent Treatment, which is borne out of inability to express feelings and is tantamount to withholding and over-harshly punishing the other.

Now for the good news, overcoming the worst of the Power Struggle Stage can lead to a healthier Commitment Stage and a far stronger and successfully tested relationship.
Here’s Huey Lewis to explain.

Christina Fraser

 

Managing a Disagreement

Within a relationship there is the reassurance of feeling that there is someone with whom we can share life’s difficulties and satisfactions. It is consoling to think that there is a person who understands and on whom we can lean. There is a comfort in knowing a partner has the same values, shares the same outlook and interests, and has a familiar perspective on the world. The similarities are affirming and help us relax and feel trust. Even differences can be perceived as offering an opportunity to widen our horizons.
However, there are some differences which create a frisson of panic and appear to us to attack the secure base of the relationship. A certain difference of opinion seems to be the polar opposite of our own and we feel vulnerable and insecure – perhaps not taken into account. We make interpretations that, if s/he thinks that, or can do that, perhaps they are not the safe pair of hands that was imagined. Maybe s/he should not be trusted. Maybe s/he does not love as much as was hoped.
When this anxiety grips there is an unconscious rationalisation that a fault-line in the relationship has been revealed. Linked to the strength (or the precariousness) of the attachments in our childhoods, a fear of abandonment can be evoked. It leads us to be defensive and either withdraw or protest. We defend against the loss of the loved relationship – while making the loss dangerously possible. An angry exchange can quickly escalate into a bitter argument. Paradoxically, the fight is an attempt to reconnect and regain concordance. We are trying to deny, disprove, attack an opposing view and re-establish the cocoon of unity.
As an alternative, wonder why your own reaction is so strong. Are you overlaying a past experience onto the present? Don’t jump in too quickly. Avoid starting a sentence with ‘Yes, but…’ and LISTEN instead of contradicting. Try to be curious instead of dismissive. Without feeling you have to concede your own position, ask for more information. What is the underlying story? Wonder about the FEELINGS as much as the facts. Ask for time to give your own explanation. This should not be about attacking your partner but should be focussed on yourself. Use ‘I’ not ‘you’. Avoid finger-pointing and global statements that stress ‘always’ and ‘never’.
Find the common ground, even if it is just agreeing that there is an unresolved issue, and join forces as a couple to solve the problem. Brainstorm and ask for possible solutions and alternative suggestions. There may be room for small concessions on both sides. It is not about scorekeeping or tit-for-tat. See yourselves as collaborators once more.