Reuniting with family this year?
Alongside the gifts and good food arrives a big box of expectations – all creating an atmosphere that feels highly-charged and which could be explosive.
What if we do not wish to conform this year? Is it hard to risk disappointing others? Does it feel too challenging to do something different or to not fall into line? What happens to family preconceptions if we change the script?
Are you left feeling bad, anxious and uncomfortable? Do you feel responsible for the reactions of others when they express confusion and disappointment?
Do you end up conforming to the expectations to avoid conflict or tears – but then feel resentful and angry? Do you say ‘Yes’ when you wish to say ‘No’? Are you able to explain to child that they will not receive the presents on the list? Can you tell a parent that you will not be staying as long as they wish? Can you protect separate ‘couple time’ for you and your partner while looking at a mountain of demands?
When everyone gets together for the festive season, unresolved issues from childhood can surface and difficult family dynamics can get replayed. It can be hard to be calm and confident, and still caring, in the face of emotional blackmail. In the face of others trying to make us feel guilty can we remain authentic, be clear about our motivations, and see the bigger picture?
When facing unmanaged hurt, and coping with the induced guilt, we often find ourselves succumbing to a pressure to fall back into old patterns of behaviour. When we stop to think, we realise that our reactions to the current situation are actually rooted in past experiences. We can revert to childhood roles when we feel flooded and overwhelmed with emotion – and lose our competent adult sense of self. Are our reactions those of a rebellious teenager or, even more embarrassingly, a frustrated toddler?
If only we can be clear about our own motivations and intentions, pause a moment, stand back a little, take a deep breath, stay in the moment… Taking an overview, side-stepping the fray, helps us see the wood as well as the tree!

Kathy Rees

With the likelihood that there will be more twins born now and in the future, due in part to Medical Intervention, there are relatively few books on the subject of a twin entering into a lifelong duo with a single birth partner.

With the myriad interactions of couple life, it would be interesting to see if there are shared issues within these types of couplings.

When any couple comes together there are many more people in the couple than is immediately apparent. One may be that each person has a fantasy twin whom they bring to the partnership. A twin also fantasies about a perfect twin in the same way as the non twin.

What does emerge from research already published is that the partner born alone may need to be someone who is able to feel at one with him/self. Someone who is comfortable in the knowledge that their loved other may turn to their twin in times of emotional or physical need. The twin may need to spend more time with their twin than would otherwise be acceptable in a mature sexual couple.

There are people who are seduced by this facility the twin offers and feel at ease with separateness and occasional detachment without feelings of resentment, rejection, abandonment and loss. This way of being can also be found when a twin partners another twin. The other twin understands.

Whether this possibility occurs with all types of twins or just with identical twins has not yet been established. Twins adopted at birth by different families often unconsciously yearn for their partner in the womb even when they have not been told they had one.

In a future blog I shall look at other issues twins may face, which differ from those born alone.

Clare Ireland

Pre-marital Counselling

More and more couples are finding it helpful to have counselling before their big day. Taking time to invest in a relationship’s future enables a couple to move into marriage with their eyes wide open. It allows them to ask the hard questions before tying the knot. Exploring issues both in the present and anticipating those that might pop up in the future, gives couples a better understanding in communicating clearly with each other as they begin their lives together.

Some questions couple might be asking themselves before entering into marriage are:
1. What is communication like right now?
2. When conflict arises how do we address issues together?
3. What are our expectations for the future?
4. How will finances be managed together?
5. Are sexual expectations compatible?
6. Have children and parenting ever been discussed?
7. What are the roles in the marriage going to be?
8. Are your lifestyles compatible? How do you visualise your lives in the future?

If these questions are difficult to talk about, perhaps taking time to have a few sessions with a couples therapist can help address these concerns and provide the best possible start for a successful marriage. By Shirlee Kay

‘Committed’ by Elizabeth Gilbert

‘Committed – A Love Story’ is indeed a love story of the author Elizabeth Gilbert and Felipe, a Brazilian-born Australian citizen. However it is so much more than that. It is a study of the institution of marriage. Interwoven into their story Gilbert explores different cultures, both Western and Eastern, and their differing traditions regarding marriage. She argues powerfully that marriage has been constantly adapting over the centuries and that some of the characteristics that we take for granted in the West are very different when looked at from other temporal and cultural perspectives.

All of that may sound a bit heavy but this is a book that anyone can relate to as it is very much her story. Her previous book ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ told the story of her divorce and all that followed from that. ‘Committed’ takes that story a step further as she and Felipe tentatively explore the requirement of marriage being laid on them by the US Homeland Security Department.

This is a book for anyone who is married or thinking of it, as it opens up all kinds of questions about our expectations, hopes and fears about what marriage means to each of us. The old cliché that this is a book which you will find difficult to put down is actually true of this one – it’s extremely readable and very thought-provoking.

Expectations

Children form expectations from their environmental experiences.  Some contributors are parents, siblings, friends, teachers, neighbours, religious teachings, heroes, heroines, books, films, television and social networks such as Facebook.
These influences fuel their dreams and fantasies.
Unrealistic hopes and dreams may be carried into adulthood.  When not fulfilled a sense of let down and unfairness begins to form.
When a couple decides to commit to each other, their individual expectations are seldom voiced but then often feel thwarted and undermined.  If these emotions are not discussed, heard and respected the individual within the couple experiences rejection and loneliness.
With the help of a therapist, these frustrations and hurts can be looked at in safety, creating a space to accept the disappointment and build on the newly forming intimacy between the couple.
The expectations become more realistic and begin to be possible.

Clare Ireland

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life,
or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare,
‘It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other.’
He then addressed the men,
‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?’
Ken leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently,
and whispered, “Homepride; Plain, isn’t it ?”
And thus began Ken’s life of celibacy.

Read ‘I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) – Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy and Power’ by Brene Brown and recognise an uncomfortable home truth!

She describes how the search for the unattainable goal of perfectionism exhausts and weighs us down.  We buy into the message that to be ‘imperfect’ is synonymous with being ‘inadequate’.  The implication that we are not good enough, unlovable even, encourages a shame reaction.  We become defensive, wary, and fearful of being found out.  Unfavourable comparisons with others who seem to get it ‘right’ leave us insecure and vulnerable.  We hide the shame – unable to face an imagined blame and critical judgement.

The shame sets us apart and alone.  It denies us opportunities for receiving the empathy, connection and affirmation for which we long. So shame then limits, constrains and restricts our relationships.  Guilt can drive an alteration in behaviour.  Shame, however, becomes the secret that corrodes any sense of well-being.  It attacks the confidence required for psychological growth and development.

Brene Brown writes with warmth and compassion and offers strategies for liberating the stranglehold of shame.  The hope is that we can then begin to deal with the concomitant feelings of distress, anxiety and depression and embrace self-acceptance.

Kathy Rees

Follow the link to Brene Brown’s great talk on the power of vulnerability.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

When a couple is trying for a baby, sex can become contrived and mechanical.  Trying to conceive or after having a miscarriage can seriously impact on a couple’s sexual relationship.  The focus from having a sexual experience into one of creating a baby can cause anxiety and pressure on both partners.

Premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation or loss of desire are just some of the symptoms that can affect couples during this stressful time.  So what to do?

Talking about these issues allows couples to reflect on their sexual relationship and enables them to make choices about how to move forward.  If this feels too difficult seeing a therapist can also allow a couple to talk in a safe space.

Shirlee Kay