Denial versus exposure.

Joint denial in a couple is difficult to work with unless there is a facility for long term work.

More often in the consulting room, I find one person is in denial and the other tells all. This is a common cause of irritation on both sides.

Often, I hear, ‘ You are so buttoned up and economical with the truth when we are ‘out’, while the other is saying, ‘Why do you become so dramatic about our life. It is our private business and no one needs to know the real story’. The reality lies somewhere in the middle of both positions.

For a couple dealing with this disparity, it is helpful to know where the resistance comes from on the denial side and where the need to ‘let it all out’ on the other side originated.

One partner may feel as if there is a huge price to pay if the real story of family life behind closed doors is shared with others. Did the family of origin lay down unspoken rules about, “we are the perfect couple and family?” No need for neighbours to know our business.

The other partner may say, “I need people to know it is tough, When I share things with others they feel able to share their own difficult stories”. The sharing of life scenarios and stumbling blocks opens up the feeling of not being alone. Not being the only one to make that mistake or encounter that problem. The sense of others in the same boat is both healing and strengthening. Suspicion about and the reality of, an affair, money issues, different moral points of view can lead to all kinds of feelings about rejection, abandonment and resentment. Not being on each others’ side. Not watching the partner’s back.

Clients sometimes describe their couple as so different that they feel as if they come from different countries and cultures when the reality is that they possibly lived in the same street and went to the same schools.

When all these challenging differences between a couple bring them into Coupleworks, it is necessary for the couple and therapist to gently uncover the triggers which lead to estrangement. I try to encourage both to express how it feels when the other seems to cut the thread of intimacy and join another tribe. Trying not to place blame but using the positive, not negative, energy of underlying anger to fuel better hearing mechanisms leading to clearer understanding.

Questions such as: ‘It seems that what has just been said was really painful to you and I wonder what memories came into your head?’ Are there other voices with ‘should’ and ‘ought’ being said to you by others from your earlier story before meeting your partner? What and who is also is in the room when you argue?

This can slow down the anger and hurt in the room and give pause for thought.  Sharing a healing process can be intimate and helpful taking the couple towards better management of the malignant roundabout of accusation and denial.

Clare Ireland

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