A client of mine mentioned a new app called Under the Covers, which allows couples to let their partners know what their sexual fantasies are. The app works by the couple separately typing their fantasies into the app and only if the partners type the same fantasy it comes up on both their screens (and saves them the embarrassment of the other seeing the ones that don’t match).
This allows couples to go forward in playing out the fantasy and gives them both the reassurance that it is mutual and welcomed.
This made me start to think about how very difficult it is for couples to talk to one another about sex in general. Many of the couples we see at Coupleworks come because they aren’t having sex, enough sex or that sex they are having isn’t satisfying or diverse enough.
After taking a sexual history and clearly identifying the specific issue, the first question I ask is ‘how do you talk about this together?’ Unsurprisingly, the answer is usually ‘Rarely’ or ‘ Never’. The problem this can create is that couples make assumptions about their sexual relationship without checking with their partner if it’s accurate or not.
Sex and intimacy are closely aligned and couples often don’t realise that the best way into a good sexual relationship is to talk about it. It’s not as simple as ‘This is what I like or don’t like,’ although this is also important, but to express your discomforts, embarrassments, not knowing how or what to do and other insecurities surrounding sex. Disclosing intimate parts of ourselves is what enables couples to know one another and to begin to trust and rely on each other to accept all parts of them. This is intimacy.