Staying in touch with son/daughters ex-partner?

  • Do you think it is ok to stay in touch with a son/daughters ex-partner?

Sadly, this is not a black and White issue and will need careful handling depending on the circumstances.

There will be raw feelings and it is important to acknowledge that it is a loss – depending on the depth and length of the couple relationship it may even feel like a bereavement.

It is important to discuss and respect the boundaries of the son/daughter and be sensitive to their situation.

For the parent it may bring other, complicated issues. Was the partner a surrogate child or a good friend? Try to examine what is your (the parental) loss and separate these feelings.

  • Is it only ok if there are grandchildren involved?

In a mature separation, conflict between parents has to be put aside for the sake of the children who need the parents to communicate respectfully, however angry or upset they may feel.

Continuity is vital, and the loss of supportive grandparents will only heighten children’s sense of insecurity.

Talk about how this may work for the parents, both of whom may need to be involved and be sensitive to their feelings. Impartiality may be very difficult, but this is where the grandchildren’s stability is paramount.

  • What if the son/daughter does not want them to stay in touch?

There are likely to be raw and damaged feelings. Try not to take sides; there is usually one truth, but two perspectives to every situation. There will be the loss of hope that this relationship brought. Parents may need to face their own losses around any cosy fantasies of a future family.

Allow your child to talk about their feelings. Often anger and stubbornness hides fear and sadness.

Only by keeping careful communication open is there any hope of a future, and different link to the ‘lost’ partner

Christina Fraser

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